Should I cancel our wedding?

[crazyassfool]

Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....

I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.

When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.

Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.

This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.

Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.

If he lies about this does he ie about other things?

In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding :(

I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!

"He can be a nightmare after a drink"

Cancel it

I thought you had got with him when you were still very young and really had no life experience behind you. Your relationship bar at that time was too low as well and he has taken full advantage. BTW did you grow up in a household where drug and or alcohol problems were featured?.

Your man uses substances for his own reasons and none of them have anything to do with you personally. He will continue to lie to you and has done for some considerable time and not only to you. He has lied to himself as well.

Being in denial does you no favours at all in the long run and you certainly cannot enter into a marriage in this denial state either. Is this all you think you deserve, why exactly is your relationship bar this very low to begin with?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents set you?.

Hard though it is, if you cancel it now you will save yourself a lot of heartache and unhappiness in the future. No doubt about it. Cancel it.

Cancel from me too.

I would say cancel. And absolutely don't have children with this man.

It doesn't matter if he's addicted to alcohol, coke, weed, all or none of them. The fact is that he has problematic substance use. He gets drunk and behaves abusively every couple of months. He takes cocaine and lies about it. He smokes a mind altering substance every week.
Addiction is a red herring. The fact is that this is a horrible way to live and it is a problem. Full stop. So you accept that you're going to have a horrible time with him every now and then, and he will lie to you and take drugs (yes even after you have children) or you extricate yourself from this situation. Those are your options.

The fact that this was all preplanned as you were away would completely end this for me, he's gone out of his way to be deceitful and do something he knows you have a problem with. If he was drunk and he chose to do it in the heat of the moment I could probably forgive but the effort and lies is just another thing entirely.

Have your friends and family witnessed his behaviour when being nasty? Do they know how often he smokes weed, or that he uses cocaine?

Crazy it is very, very simple:

Can you trust him?

Surely trust is the very minimum standard for marriage.

There would be no need to feel embarrassed about telling everyone that you've decided to call the wedding off. All you'd have to do is say "I found out that he was taking cocaine and lying to me about it. He promised to stop but he hasn't. I can't trust him any more". Your family and friends will support you.

I think the drinking and calling you a bitch is a bigger problem than the drugs per se. I couldn't stand for that.

For me, occasional drug use isn't a huge problem, and it obviously wasn't for you once, or you wouldn't be with him now. I think it's a very difficult thing to have someone change their stance on something and expect another person to simply fall into line. That said, you have every right to change your own stance on what is acceptable and, having made your position clear, he had a choice to either agree to stop and mean it, or tell you he had no intention of changing his ways and let you decide whether or not that was acceptable to you. What he's done instead is tell you want you wanted to hear, whilst continuing to please himself, because he doesn't consider your opinion on this to be as important as his desire to do it. He wants it all his own way and what you want isn't important.

Previous posters are right, there's zero point issuing ultimatums if you don't intend to stand by them. so you have a choice now. You either leave, or you decide that, unpleasant as the behaviours are, they are not deal breakers to you. Only you get to decide whether or not this is the end.

From the experiences that other posters have written, crazyassfool, you can see that the marriage ahead for you is going to be bad, really very devastatingly bad.

The loss of the wedding deposit monies may be seen as a fee for avoiding a really very devastatingly bad marriage. From a wide, long term perspective, it will be a small price to pay. Pay it gladly-you are worth it.

I thank God [insert higher authority of your choice] everyday that I broke my engagement to the "occasional" drug user, liar, cheat, and thief that I was engaged to when I was 23.

Gook luck-just rip the plaster (this is your final answer) and you will be fine.

My DF was an alcoholic. He did many things, but he never called his wife, my DM, a bitch.

Cancel the wedding Op, you will be heading for a life time of misery. I bet his drug taking is much more often than you know.

Your "finance"??????

I also disagree that occasional drug taking is ok. The scumbags that sell it to the 'recreational ' users are the same scumbags that would happily sell it to your kids.

For me it's not the booze or drugs that worry me. It's the nastiness, it's you being on the receiving end of it. That's him. Showing you who he is. Someone who thinks its ok to lie, and to insult you.

As other posters have said, I can get blind drunk on occasion. Not often but when I do I don't start fights, or make others nervous around me.

I know it'll be hard to end things, but my dear, possibly 50 years of what you've been given an insight into is much much harder

Marry him, go for it. Have his kids.

Then split up ten years down the line and realise that every other weekend your kids are now in the sole charge of someone you can't trust not to take coke, smoke weed or drink himself into a nightmare.

Look I know it's going to be hard and awful to call it off. But ending it at every single point after that would be worse.

Be brave OP.

Good luck X

If he doesn't want to give up alcohol or drugs, he's not going to stop. You can give him ultimatums, but he will carry on doing it - he might do it less, and hide it when he does it, but he'll still do it. You'll always wonder and worry. He's lied before and he will again. Do you really want to live like that?

This is the most worrying thing you've told us:
"By being an idiot a couple of times a year I mean that he drinks to excess. Sometimes to the point where he can no longer stand. He can be very argumentative in this state, not wanting to stop drinking, calling me a bitch if I want to leave the night out etc. Generally being unpleasant."
That's a big red flag for abuse. It doesn't matter that he only does it occasionally; you've already said that the fear of this behaviour makes you anxious every time he drinks, or attends an event with you when he could drink.

It's been said many times before and will be said main time again: the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Read the opening post in this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

*many times

Crazyassfool you call it harsh I call it reality, no point thinking that a man snorting coke is anything but a major problem.
Those of us on this thread who are saying occasional use is OK have either never lived through a drug problem or never lived with an addict.
You have been with him since you were 19 and sound like you've no intentions of dumping him so what else is there for you to say or ask? And why bother dishing out the odd ultimatum and all?

Bottom line if he doesn't give ALL of this stuff up including alcohol you will always have this issue and I guarantee when kids are in the mix these things will be a million times worse.

Stop making excuses for his occasional drinking where he gets so paralytic he can't stand up and where it doesn't just stop with alcohol. This is not someone who doesn't have an alcohol problem.

Cancel fro me
Sounds like my now exH - he apparently took coke at the weekends thoughout our marriage unknown to me. He was also a nightmare after a few drinks to the point of not coming home/never knew where he was/didn't answer phone or if he did get home woke the whole street up with banging on the door or not paying the taxi, but he didn't think his behaviour was unacceptable because he was having a laugh. Well he's having the last laugh now that I have left!

Don't marry this man.

Don't have children with this man.

You are minimising his actions.

You know what to do.

Do not marry this man.

Can't really add anything to what everyone else has said, my DH (and I) like to drink - but never to such excess that we can't stand or call each other names. I have been married over 26 years and my DH has never sworn at me.

Please, have some self respect and walk away now.

He doesn't appear to have any respect for you, that alone would be a deal breaker for me. My dh has never called me a bitch, it's not a great way to start a marriage with someone who has already shown you their true colours.