"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

That's just it though, I don't really have anyone to support me. Both my parents passed away years ago early into our marriage and I have nobody else within 300 miles. The small amount of sort-of friends I have probably wouldn't want to know.

Your brother sounds marvellous and you need to confide in him ASAP. He knows more than you think. Does your dh also expect you to tell everyone how amazing he is and maintain the facade of perfect dad and dh? Time to let that slip a bit. People already know btw. It's not your fault either.

Your dh sounds a nightmare " be a good wife" ! He sounds deluded and frankly not fit to lick your boots. I can't believe he doesn't contribute to holidays etc- it will only get worse as he is probably thinking of fucking off when the DC are older- he won't even use his money for them.

Personally him sulking is good. You won't have to have sex with him, for a start. I hope.

You're already doing it alone. The DC and you won't notice much change. And if he is this controlling, you might find as the DC get older and more challenging ( normal growing up and being their own people) he won't cope. And look up sunk costs fallacy.

Op, well done. You have realised somethings in your relationship are not right. You have also shown you are clear thinking and can find the best way through this.

Sorry this is an abusive relationship op. Abuse is not always of the physical kind. He's just grinding you down and no one deserves that. Definitely look into the freedom programme

My brother works away all over the world and although supportive he hasn't got a support network even himself, he's late 40s unmarried with no children and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even own a house in the UK anymore. He stays over with us about once every year for a week. Although, of course, my DH hates him. Perhaps because he's unmarried, successful and free as a bird (literally!)

Lavender he is constantly in a sulk and not sleeping with him just exacerbates it. It doesn't happen often as he is a boring bastard with a bad back and I'm not even sure I fancy men as I'm quite tired usually I have to be quite drunk to DTD.

No, your DH hates him because he's your brother.

I suspect your DH dislikes any of your friends and colleagues that you know independently of him. I suspect that's why you don't have (m)any close friends any more.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you may work less than he does, but you are still working 30 hours a week, plus taking all the childcare and household responsibilities. Tell him you are near the breaking point. He is taking you for granted because he can.

With respect to Susan, I would have told him "Well, unlike you, she has a good husband who is able to support her financially, so she doesn't have to work 30 hours a week. She has 8 hours a day that I don't have to cook and clean. When you are a good husband, I'll be a good wife."

Once you are single and without the burden of the man-child, you may find it easier to find closer friends. You're already bringing up the children as a single parent and looking after the house/holding down a job. You don't need a support network as you've already shown you can cope. You just need to eject the excess baggage.

You know what you have now is worse than being a single parent. You have all of the responsibility and a husband who thinks he owns you. And he holds back his money.

Please value yourself more than this, you are worth way more than you are given to believe. Stop enabling him, unfortunately this is part of the problem. I don't normally think that LTB is the best answer, but in this case I do believe that it is. Good luck.

The technology is there for your db to help you ( messaging, Skype, email) plus he would want to. Wouldn't you help him? Give the man a chance. I think you don't because he would want action and that means getting his sister out of a terrible relationship- it's ok, keep posting.

I left my dh with the help of the most surprising person ever, same type as your db and not even related or living in the UK. I never thought they'd be the one to help and listen - I blush now at the emails and dithering. But they were very calm and nice.

Er- he sulks for sex? He sounds even worse. Has he ever hurt you physically? Or intimated he would?

I'm really glad that what was my man-child is now my STBXH. I'm still doing everything in house and with DCs but no sulky brat to drag along. I think, like other posters, that he is keen to control you and is the reason that you aren't close with others.

With respect to Susan, she must have crack for breakfast because she hoovers the stairs every day and has many, many children

Women's Aid will put you in touch with sources of support.

This, unfortunately is not an uncommon situation and often women don't have anyone close because their lives are such that they don't get the chance, or feel in the right frame of mind, to make close friendships.

Your problem is not your own shortcomings OP. Your problem is an emotionally abusive relationship.

Have you read 'Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

I think you really need to educate yourself about abusive relationships in order to get a grip on what is going on and what is likely for the fture if you do nothing.

Please take the risk to your mental health seriously Just.

I know from experience just how inevitable it is to feel depressed and despairing in this situation. You will get to the point where you don't recognise yourself or know black from white if you stay in this relationship.

It will totally erode your self-confidence and esteem and will leave in a permanent sens of confusion and doubt. You must get out for you own long term survival.

No, he has never physically hurt me or physically forced me into anything. If anything I have been the one to control sex as I have never enjoyed it, and so it is very much on my terms hence the sulking. It has a lot to do with a termination and so he knows not to push me in that regard.

Susan probably has a secret housekeeper. Or cleaning is her actual hobby.

don't think she would allow a housekeep as her husband is a right perve perhaps

Your dh hates your db because your db knows he's a knobhead, and a controlling idle fucker treating you like shit.

And no, you're not selfish to want better for yourself. And no, you're not letting the kids down. Quite the opposite. It will be all bluster and threats ( yawn) and then 6 months after the divorce he will piss off and leave you all alone as hell be busy looking for his next victim.

Your db can help you - and you can work f/t, get an au pair or something, it's exciting isn't it, the next chapter?

Susan is Susan. Maybe she likes hoovering stairs. Maybe her dh is not a horrible man keeping her poor, letting her parent her DC alone and sulking. Who knows?

Concentrate on you and what you want. It doesn't have to be like this. He won't change because frankly he just sounds like a shit lodger.

Anyway, stop having sex with him if you don't want to. Let him sulk. It might be over faster.

Oh god.

Leaving aside your self esteem, which sounds abyssal - do you seriously think that your children won't be harmed if they are brought up in an environment in which their father treats their mother like dirt and their mother behaves like a doormat?

You say you've verbalised your feelings to him. How does he respond? I struggle to understand how anyone with half a brain wouldn't realise that writing down "Be a good wife" makes him a massive twat. If my DH did that I'd never let him live it down.

Wow! What a nob!

Idk what to say to be perfectly honest. You sound like you have asserted yourself and he simply doesn't care. You don't deserve that. Sounds more like he is treating you like the housekeeper/nanny.

He typically responds with "I'm tired from work I don't need this don't you think I'm stressed enough", "do you want me to get fired because I will" (when I ask him to take more responsibility) and the list goes on. He doesn't acknowledge there's a problem because in his mind he earns more than me and I work less hours so therefore I am inferior.

Yes my self esteem is horrible. Not even because of him, a botched c section and middle aged spread has been difficult to shift, I used to be very active right up until the DCs and so the change in physique and not having time to take care of my appearance has taken its told. I look knackered all the time.