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Original poster

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/06/2016 00:06

How exactly is he a good husband ? Just earning more isn't it. I could not live that life and I will not be given a list of tasks by anyone except my manager at work.

I would let him pout and refuse to be his PA. Where is the give and take here. I hate that men climb the career ladder and having kids often means that the wife isn't able to.

While he's at work for longer, you have an extra job with the kids and homework and activities and preparing dinner etc etc etc.

I did all those things but my DH wouldn't dream of making a list of stuff me to do. The final straw would be a stupid comment like be a good wife. Hell no!

PhylumChordata · 05/06/2016 00:06

Actually this is victim blaming. He doesn't behave like this because you let him or because of something you've done.

He behaves like thus,because he's a twat

QueenLaBeefah · 05/06/2016 00:07

I'm furious just reading this!

Just divorce the prick. You'll be less tired because you aren't having to run around after him. He's a total arse.

blowmybarnacles · 05/06/2016 00:08

Fuck the ironing his shirts for a start. Stop condoning, start living, FFS before you die with this 50s throw back.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/06/2016 00:10

My god, you roll over and do all this shit because if you don't .... he pouts and sulks? That's all it takes to enslave you.

Have you considered getting yourself some counselling to work through your issues there?

I can't see how you can actually go through with a fair divorce if you are this avoidant of witnessing a grump.

Perhaps get help to sort your head out and then make your moves. Think of it as your own personal getting your ducks in a row. The ducks that live in your head.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:10

I have been on the shirts protest. I honestly can't handle the huffing and puffing and tantrums. I find it easier to just do it then I can ignore him without the dramatic noises Grin I just don't know where to start and I'm always so angry.

OP posts:
Iknownuffink · 05/06/2016 00:11

Be a good parent.

He can learn how to cook for himself, clean up after himself and do his own laundry.

He can also learn how to be a husband and a good parent.

NameChange30 · 05/06/2016 00:13

Well it's abundantly clear from your posts that your husband is a sexist, controlling, selfish twat, that you know it, and hate him for it. You've already seen a solicitor. You know what you have to do.

So what do you need us for?! Do you want some encouragement to go through with it?

My advice is very simple. File for divorce. Get him to move out ASAP. Meanwhile stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, and doing any other favours for him.

There isn't really anything else to say is there?

Apart from maybe get some counselling to help you work out why you've put up with it for so long, and give you the confidence to end it and move forward with your life.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:15

I think a lot of it stems from having never been apart. 20 years together is a long time and it's not that I'm afraid to be a single mum, I'm not, it's just that I've never been alone in that sense and don't know what to expect or whether I will suddenly regret it at the expense of our lovely DC.

OP posts:
Pocketrocket31 · 05/06/2016 00:16

Quit your job... At least be a "kept good wife" spend your child free days buying expensive shoes with his wages Grin

OutToGetYou · 05/06/2016 00:16

Pack your bag, as he walks in you walk out. Go and stay with a friend, but don't tell him where you are or how long. Turn your phone off.

Write him a list of what to do for the days you are away. Make sure one is a work/school day. At the top of the list write "be a good dad". You don't care by now about him being a husband but he needs to learn to parent his children while keeping the home running. He's going to need the practice, isn't he......for when you're gone for good and he's getting those alternate weekends.

Iknownuffink · 05/06/2016 00:17

Before I walked out on the ex

I stopped cooking, cleaning up after and sleeping in the same bed as him. Eventually I did not even speak to him.

Apparently he was a broken man when I left him.

Not as broken as I was when putting up with his crap.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:19

We have a shared account for mortgage and bills, what's left of his wage is his. I don't have that much income because of reduced hours and large outgoings, so being a kept woman really isn't on the cards as if I didn't work we would never have any nice luxuries (I say luxuries, we go on 2 small holidays a year within the UK because I have to pay for them and it's all I can afford realistically).

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 05/06/2016 00:20

Surely if he tries the phoning every 10 minutes trick, you answer the first time and tell him that if it's urgent he must text you, but you won't be answering the phone to him again. And put your phone on silent.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:21

Oh he's wise to that one he rings anonymously on the office line to the great annoyance of my two colleagues who get pissed off with him ringing me literally every hour during the working day anyway.

OP posts:
lovelycuppateas · 05/06/2016 00:22

You are not spineless or useless - it's really hard getting the strength together to leave someone that you've been with for such a long time, it's like leaving a part of yourself behind. I think you know that this is the right thing to do though, for both you and the kids. It's important they don't grow up with the idea that it's normal to treat women with contempt. Do it for them, even if it's hard to get enough strength to do it for yourself. Family and friends can be amazing help too.

MilesHuntsWig · 05/06/2016 00:22

WTAF?! You would have more time to yourself without this complete sexist idiot who you don't sound like you like let alone love.

You.deserve.better.

Repeat this over and over as you kick him out and divorce the twat. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can get a life you want. You are not his skivvy. What a patronising fuckwit. Am so cross on your behalf!

NameChange30 · 05/06/2016 00:23

Hmm, this sounds like possible financial abuse.
That, and the examples you gave of him being controlling and critical, make me wonder if he could be abusive... Does he do anything else on this list of signs of emotional abuse?
If so, call Women's Aid ASAP. 0808 2000 247

HeartsofOak · 05/06/2016 00:23

You only seem semi-serious about this Just, but at the same time you also seem genuinely at the end of your tether.

You have to really mean it. If he rings every 10 mins, there's a simple answer to that isn't there? But you have to be really committed to changing the dynamic.

It seems to me, that unless you have that commitment to force a change your marriage or sanity is doomed. And I'm deadly serious when I say your sanity.

Because being treated like shit makes you very very angry. If you don't express that anger and take action it will fester away and turn inwards.

And then you get seriously depressed. Next step is mental illness with all the ramifications that entails for your family, particularly of concern obviously to your dependent dc.

So I think you have to put on your big girl pants and stand up to the manchild bully, or walk away. But allowing this to continue is self-destruction.

Creatureofthenight · 05/06/2016 00:23

Please don't tell me you are funding the entire family holidays, him included.
He is a waste of space.

SpaceDinosaur · 05/06/2016 00:24

Hold on. YOU PAY FOR THE FAMILY HOLIDAYS???

And he keeps all of his "extra money" in a private account.

Cunt.

Stop acting like such a doormat. He's utterly vile.

Pull on your big girl pants and get on with giving your children a healthy role model rather then them believing that being treated like a skivvy is acceptable

CoolCarrie · 05/06/2016 00:24

You are NOT spineless, you are afraid to move forward , and it will be difficult at first, but you and your dcs are worth so much more than this!
I am glad that your brother has noticed his behavior and i hope he can help you move forward. As another poster said start breaking away from that twat!

QueenLaBeefah · 05/06/2016 00:25

Why are you afraid of being a single mum? You're pretty much one already and you'll have heck of a lot less ironing into the bargain.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:25

I guess I have always thought that I could have done worse, he doesn't beat me or cheat on me (as far as I'm aware at least) and so I have stuck at it. The DC do love him and we have a nice home and much more than others are have so we are lucky. Why does he have to be such a twat and why didn't I realise this sooner?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/06/2016 00:25

Wise post Heart, I agree.