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Original poster

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 05/06/2016 00:26

He is not good with the children if he is treating their mother like shit.

If anyone is using the phrase "be a good wife" they are a controlling bastard who deserves to be left on his own. This is not normal, this is wrong.

Elizabethreallyismissing · 05/06/2016 00:28

How on earth could living on your own be worse than living with ( and even worse having sex with) this twat!

whathaveiforgottentoday · 05/06/2016 00:28

There is so much wrong with his behaviour, I don't know where to start. It's time for a major shake up in your life which I suspect you already knew. Being on your own is not a lonely as being in a loveless, abusive marriage. Time to make some changes in your life. I like the idea of going out for the day on your own for starters and leaving him with the kids that was suggested earlier.
Do you have your own account or do your wages go in the shared account?

Creatureofthenight · 05/06/2016 00:28

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't value you, he doesn't treat you as an equal. Perhaps you could have done worse, but I'm damn sure you could have done a lot better.

Custardo · 05/06/2016 00:29

tell him to go fuck himself

ffs woman, honestly it's 2016

Pocketrocket31 · 05/06/2016 00:29

Omds... I don't agree with all these 50's sexist pigs, but 1 who doesn't even do well money wise and looks after you & Dc, holidays ect. Hmm Can't have his cake and eat it. I would get rid just for the list alone tbf. The first time I have ever said it LTB

Atenco · 05/06/2016 00:29

Are you really only staying for the children? My df left when I was 4, my dsis 8 and my db 14. My db was the most affected by his absence and I was the least affected.

The advantages of separating are so many, the children would get more time with both of you, because he would have them at least EOW, hopefully, and you would have a lot less housework to do and maybe could find someone to enjoy sex with, but I am only going on a paragraph you have written, this is your life.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:30

Oak I am fully serious about being furious. All the time. And I do verbalise this to him and have done so for a few years, it wasn't so evidence when the eldest was very young but became very clear on the arrival of the youngest. I guess I just wanted to see if this behaviour was quite common, which it seems like it is and people have left. I don't want to trouble women's aid when so many need them much more than me!

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 05/06/2016 00:31

Your diary was there on the worktop? Did he read it? Clearly it didn't stop him placing his list of things to do over the top of your innermost thoughts/work schedule. Something of a message there.

It's really difficult to pull away from the snare of a tyrant wearing a fairly (until roused) civilised mask. But really, this is shit and it depends on your tolerance level. Something in you will snap at some point and you'll reject this situation as unacceptable.

Your life should be enhanced by everyone and everything in it, not a battle for tidy home and garden awards, fully ironed clothes and perfectly organised meals. Yada yada. Have you considered getting really messy pizzas and leaving the boxes all over the kitchen, just for fun? When you get that rebel feel you'll find it hard to resist.

Clearly you're doing the lioness' share of childcare and daily life. Hence I think you might benefit from giving yourself a clocking off time to just be you, have that takeaway and don't clear up. Leave that last load of ironing and watch TV. Can you do stuff like that to just let your day and evening get easier?

You might decide to LTB in the end but maybe you aren't "there" yet. In the meantime find ways to liberate yourself just a little?

HeartsofOak · 05/06/2016 00:31

I guess I have always thought that I could have done worse, he doesn't beat me or cheat on me (as far as I'm aware at least)

Why are your expectations of another human being so low?

Why are you putting up with this despicable treatment?

Why aren't you fucking BLAZING that he has dared to treat you this way?

Who the fuck does he think he is. Fucking God? What makes him so special? Because I don't think anyone on this thread agrees with you, that you are 'lucky'.

Come on Just. If this were a friend, or your dd posting, what would you think?

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:32

I have my own account whathaveiforgotten which I control myself, albeit not much is in there!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/06/2016 00:32

"I guess I have always thought that I could have done worse, he doesn't beat me or cheat on me (as far as I'm aware at least)"

Your bar is VERY low. You need to read this thread.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/06/2016 00:33

Think for a moment of what your day would be like without him in the mix. Picture getting up and him not being there. Now mentally walk yourself through a typical weekday, morning until bedtime. Without his bullshit. Without catering to his crap. Never hearing 'be a good wife'.

Remember, it is better to be alone than to wish you were.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 05/06/2016 00:35

Please don't stay for the children as they will know how badly your are treated or even worse they will grow up thinking this is how a wife/mother should be treated. You aren't doing them any favours keeping the marriage going.

NameChange30 · 05/06/2016 00:36

"I don't want to trouble women's aid when so many need them much more than me!"

Women's Aid is for any woman who is in an abusive relationship. You might not want to admit it, but you are.

They can point you in the direction of local support services and solicitors with expertise in abuse.

If you were ill, you'd still get medical treatment, even though there are people who are more ill than you... It's the same with Women's Aid. Just as hospitals aren't just for people on death's door, WA isn't just for women who have been beaten black and blue.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:38

I am hopelessly disorganised so my diary just has a daily list of things, some written by me but a lot by DH too.

I have tried to liberate myself via work with socialising a bit more with collegues but it's been a bit difficult as you can see from the situation. I would never be able to go for a night out without coming back reasonably early for DCs, staying out at a hotel or at a friends is just not an option because he gets v irritated, rings constantly and then youngest daughter gets very upset. He doesn't shout as such but she is very sensitive and he isn't tactful. I avoid friends my own age because he is constantly commenting how slim/groomed they are, how well behaved their children are, how kept their house is etc etc and so I have subconsciously avoided them.

I know, this sounds worse yet again. I have tried to make friends and be more independent but we live rurally amongst middle class perfect wives Hmm which I certainly don't fit in with.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 05/06/2016 00:39

Missed a whole load of posts while writing mine. He really does sound unpleasant; more to the point you have probably really and truly outgrown him. I don't like the sound of him keeping so much money after paying bills while you have to fund family holidays. A huge hmmmm there. Golf isn't a cheap hobby and he has plenty of time to (self)indulge.

It can take awhile to regain the you that you were always meant to be when it's been diverted into being a couple at such a young age. Be patient with yourself, less so with him and let yourself think what might seem to be unthinkable things. Like how you might feel as a free woman. Not the young girl you were when you met him. You as you would like to be in the Now.

marriednotdead · 05/06/2016 00:40

I could have written your last post a couple of years ago. Not beating or cheating does not make a good man, I see that so clearly now. My bar- and yours- were/are set way too low.
It's simply the bottom two crap things on a long list, and why should you have to tolerate all the other shit because he doesn't do those two things?

It's not enough. Not even close. You could've done worse? You could do a whole lot better. And for the time being/foreseeable future/maybe forever, being single and free of the bollocks is a million times better than I ever envisaged!

I now know why I had low self esteem/standards, which I believe is how women like us end up with twats. Might be worth a look at the Freedom Programme...

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 00:41

Freedom programme?

OP posts:
whathaveiforgottentoday · 05/06/2016 00:41

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. My parent's relationship was similar and 25 years on from the divorce the mental damage is still very evident in all of us (except of course my Dad who is still fairly oblivious to the damage he caused). The earlier you get out the better.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2016 00:41

You can make changes to make this situation better yourself. You just need to be resilient. In the past if I was too tired to cook.. I didn't cook. If there was any huffing and puffing I'd walk away. Or get in my car and go for a drive.

One friend of mine asked her DH if his penis would fall off if he cooked for himself.

He's a grown man.

I once saw a man dry cleaning his shirts because his wife had travelled and he didn't know how to operate the washing machine. Your his wife not a skivvy. What would he do if you became ill.

You need earplugs to block out his huffing and a soothing eye mask to not see it.

People take advantage of those who allow it. You're allowing it.

QueenLaBeefah · 05/06/2016 00:43

He is financially and emotionally abusive. For your own (and your children's) sanity you must end this marriage.

marriednotdead · 05/06/2016 00:44

Freedom Programme

SuckingEggs · 05/06/2016 00:44

Er, tell him to get himself a robot.

He's not a good husband. Your kids will think he's normal and emulate him (and you allowing it). Let that sink in...

whathaveiforgottentoday · 05/06/2016 00:46

My mum used to say it would have been so much easier if he'd just hit her as at least then she would have had something concrete to show how badly he treated her.
Of course, she didn't actually want to be hit, but I know exactly what she meant. Once they had separated, lots of people came forward to say what an arse he was. They'd always thought it, but didn't want to say anything. You will be surprised at the support you will get when you do throw him out.