"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

Ouch! The mans a knob!

But....and I mean this in the kindest way - you let him be a knob ! He doesn't own you , so take his list and flush it.

I know you have been together forever, and it's often easier to just do it but this truly sounds like it's not floating your boat one little bit! My Gran used to say life is too short for stuff you hate doing and she has a point.

I'd sit down, if it was me, and be very calm but say I'm not doing this any more I'm exhausted. This is what I will be doing, this is what you could do to help, but bear in mind if you don't help it's not happening. I'm not your mother, your nanny, your skivvy or your secretary. We are a partnership and whilst I've been busy being 'a good wife' you've been a lousy husband.

He can rant, rave and puff all he likes. Stand firm.

Good luck xx

Point out he won't get fired if he spends less time on the golf course and more time with his family. And that you're tired from work plus looking after his children and skivvying for him, but that fortunately you can do something about that because you won't be skivvying for him any more.

Quite rightly you can worry about the challenging times ahead when you eventually leave your husband.

But do not worry about being single/alone/on your own, however you think of it. Being away from somebody who is supposed to love and care for you but instead f*s with your head and ruins your life is utterly liberating. I'm not saying he won't carry on being a gold plated arse hole when you're not together, looks like he knows no other way. But you can go back to being you, not living a half life that makes you want to scream.

You'll find new friends and acquaintances through work, school etc because you'll be in charge of your life once again. I can't think of any further words to describe the type of man your husband is, pp have said it all. How f*ing dare he ask you to be a good wife, you sound pretty bloody amazing to me. Perhaps he could begin to try and do an impression of a human being.

Oh, and tell him that if he thinks Susan is so bloody wonderful he can ask her to come round with her hoover and an attachment, as it's the nearest thing he'll get in the way of sex whilst he's still married to you.

He sulks.

He earns more than you but you pay for holidays.

You have a nice house but do you also habe to pay half mortgage as wellas holidays despite facilitating him earning more money?

He belittles you

He compares you to other women.

You say he's a good dad but he canmot look after his kids by himself.

Hehas isolated you from your friends.

Don't be a good wife. Be an ex wife. Be a very very good ex wife.

Fuming so much on your behalf I may have to go downstairs now and eat a scone with lots of butter on !

The relief once you've left is amazing.

Fuck putting up with that sulking.

I do everything op. My DH is a workaholic and we have been together for 27 years. He has always been out of the house for at least 12 hour days. I have worked full time again for eleven years but spend more time at home. Our dc are grown(ish) now but I did all the school stuff, all the house stuff, all the organising. TBF he always supported ds's sport as he got older. He plays golf now and is winding down a bit. My earnings are less than one tenth of his.

But, we've done it as a team, although it was never negotiable that his job would come first. He appreciates and acknowledges that I am part of his success and he wouldn't be where he is without me.

At times it's felt like being a single parent and it hasn't always been easy. He still writes the occasional wanky note about clearing shoes from hall, dealing with paper pile but laughs if I write him a list: Stop writing me notes, polish bald patch!

It doesn't sound as though yours is working as a team or being appreciative. Once when ours were the same age as yours I went out for the day without consultation as he had a tendency to do. I just got up and announced I was going to some galleries and having a day in town. I left him a list of the children's activities and left party present with card and wrapping paper for him to deal with.He had to do swimming, football training, a party drop and pick-up, lunch and tea. I actually had a miserable day and it dragged but I was determined to stay out until 7.30. It was a little wake up call and made a very good point.

He really needs to deal with the business of wanting you to be grateful for his financial contributions. Could you go back full time and subcontract house stuff and childcare for the sake of equality?

Reading your posts, and I hope I didn't miss anything, you're rightly fed up with him, you have tried to change how things are, you don't even fancy him anymore.

What do you think would take for you to leave?
Would you tell him to leave you when he's huffing and puffing? Would you tell him to find a new wife when he compares you to other women?
Would you tell him your next call is for a solicitor if he rings you again at work? Or tell him that he spends more time at home and less at work or the gold course or you're gone?
And then do it.

Write it up: what you won't put up with, tick the boxes and ring that solicitor.
He may backtrack and it will be your decision to give it a go or not, but definitely keep an eye on crossing any lines.

BTW, keep those diaries and those notes, in case when he wants to play dirty when you break up.

Stop doing the things on his list!
Let him huff and puff. Go out if you don't want to hear it.
If he asks 'do you want me to get fired?' Say 'I couldn't care less'
Tell him you're not putting up with any more of his crap and he's the shittiest husband you've ever heard about.

Don't be a good wife. Be an ex wife. Be a very very good ex wife

Bravo, Eggs

OP, sorry love for your situation. ^^^ what they all said.

From everything you have written, I cannot think of one reason to stay with him.
I suspect you've been ground down by his thinking over a long time. Your self esteem won't return overnight, but it does feel to me like the scales are falling from your eyes.
It's not you- it's HIM! It feels to me like it's a question of when not if!

You are rightly angry with the insulting nature of the way he is towards you. Keep the anger. Talk to your brother. Or to a friend who you think may understand
It may be gradual, but I think a plan for escape from this way of living is needed.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you want your children to think this relationship is normal?

I left my exH 6 months ago and he was very much like how you describe yours. (Only mine actually earnt LESS than me, however his job was still far more important than mine.)

I love my life now, only have to clean up after myself and the DC's and there's no one around to talk down to me. I feel like a new, free woman.

My DC's are listening to the 'Fast Car' cover a lot at the moment. It's got a line in it "My mama went off and left him, she wanted more from life than he could give" which couldn't be more true!

Stop fuming and get out.

Honestly the younger the kids are the better. In your shoes I'd organize for someone else to do the kids wrap around care and earn more ready for when you leave. Honestly for women like you divorce is brilliant. Every other weekend completely off. Not just a few sparse minutes when your master deigns to play at being a father.

It must be soul-destroying to share your life with someone who thinks so little of you.

Get out and save yourself. You deserve better.

I get that you've been with him since you were 17 and this is all you know, so leaving him sounds daunting. But you are a capable person, and you'll also get to rediscover who you are when you have more time to yourself when he has the DC eow.

Sorry but your DH is useless.
My DH is not perfect, and I am a SAHM.

We have holidays every year - and they come before his hobbies on the expenditure list.
He has looked after the children for up to a week on his own, with no checking up phone calls.
He will take time off if they are sick and it is necessary (including if I've volunteered to help on another one's school trip).
He has also worked at home when there have been crisis with the children.
He can cook when necessary - and certainly knows how to order a pizza or cater for himself if I'd exhausted/in a rush.
He sometimes moans a bit about the state of the house, but is quite capable of tidying up himself etc. (and does better than me about getting the kids to tidy up).
He used to whinge about the state of the car, until I pointed out he travelled mainly in Dad's cars and Mum's cars were often worse than ours (I've had lifts in them).

Not hitting, and "putting up with" the children is not enough.

F hell, be a good wife, Justine!*????!!!!
Sheeeesh, you're kidding me!!!

You're a financial advisor, you don't need me to tell you what to do.
Get your ducks in a row and be a very good ex-wife, Justine!
The man is unvbelievable!!

Ps. There's a whole thread of people like us, Justine, HERE

So time travel is possible, he thinks we are in the 1950s.

You need to make some serious changes, or get out. Get him to have responsibility for the kids at the weekend, cook a meal etc. If he gives the 'getting fired' line, call his bluff and say ' let's risk it and see what happens'.

Do you really want your kids to grow up to be like him? Or to have your life? Because that's what you're teaching them. If you can't leave for you, leave for them

You can always spot a complete wanker....he plays golf!!!

Hmm interesting, it's pointless comments like these I use to spot airheads...

Not only is he behaving abusively, he is deliberately humiliating you. He doesn't just want to treat you badly, he gets a kick out of rubbing your nose in it.

No marriage can work amidst that level of contempt.