"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

Well I think you've got a bloody cheek coming in here and reminding us about trifle at this hour when Tesco is closed!

He is very cool and calm in front of others where's I am my usual flagrant self hmmgrin*

Yhe courts see through this they really do!

They do, yes.

I also thought/think that at least my ex wasn't violent. However, by pure coincidence I was looking on a property website today. I saw an ex property of ours for sale, had a quick click on it. Just seeing the room where he first revealed the really cold, chilling side of his nature made me feel queasy and a bit tearful - and it happened over 20 years ago !!

I was very young and naive, he nearly destroyed me. I wish I'd had MN then. For this reason and many others I think your thread will be really useful to lots of people.

You are an amazing woman Lawnmower! And your handling this very well
One thing I did pick up on though - how is your salary 12k on 30 hours in your job role?!
I just wonder as mine is the same on 24hrs working in as a shop assistant.

The salary depends on how much work I am able to deal with personally fructose, 12k is the basic salary and clients I am able secure myself increase the salary. The issue is because of unpredictable hours I can never be certain I can secure clients and am restricted in networking/getting out there to find them. I also had to accept a lower paying basic salary due to the area we live in, if we were to move to a city for example the basic salary would be much more, probably at least 20k. Does that all make sense?

Lawnmower you are great. I left an EA husband after almost 30 years together. Best decision I've ever made. No regrets apart from why didn't I leave sooner. Life is very good now and has been for most of the past 12 years since I left. For you

Have RTFT and am in awe of you as you are absolutely awesome.Youre braver than me. Big hugs to you and your children. I wish you all the very best for the future

I suspect you'll find you are able to earn more with him out of your life, because you won't have to waste time dealing with his dogs and cooking, washing etc for him, and because you can make sensible decisions about child care without him moaning at you. But in any event he will have to provide a roof over his children's heads and maintenance for them.

Deoending on how much he earns, you may find that maintenance is actually more than your salary. Which will then allow you to pay for childcare so you can advance your career - which is fair enough as that is effectively how he advanced his.

Definitely check how much you can get in child maintenance. There are online calculators.
I'm sure he's been doing them, hence his mummy mentioning the cost of divorce.

How did dropping the dogs off go?

Yes, love the concept that your decision on whether or not you get divorced should be based on whether it's 'expensive'.

"I am ending this really shit marriage with this unpleasant man who the 1950s are suing for deformation of character, has no interest in my feelings and who is making my life a tedious hell."

"But divorcing him will be expensive "

"Oh I'll just muddle on then."

Try her on the 'better a dinner of herbs where love is' line, that might go far enough back in history that it clicks.

Lawnmower, I'm so sorry he did that to you, the utter fucktard. He bullied you into ending the life of your own child and deserves a place in Hell. You are a strong independent woman who deserves happiness. Blessings on you and yours x

Oh, oh, oh.. I'm so in awe of you Justine. Been following, checking daily for updates. You are an inspiration. Will you be taking bookings at the Emu B&B? Think of all your thread who would love to pay you a sisterly visit!
Do please post a pick of Dave and his charmer of a mother, so we can all channel our collective energies to their mugshots... great to put a face to these two throwbacks - otherwise we can only imagine!
Just out of curiosity, what happened to FIL..?

I admire your spirit.

You've clearly been through a lot, and that brings its portion of great sadness, too. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I see, that makes much more sense.
How was the 9am sharp dog dropping off situation?

I hope they are hairy & stink, & bark & generally a pain, & moult all over the stairs.... Dear MIL might get pretty disenchanted rapidly.... all that hoovering.

Just to add - mil is an anagram of "the woman Hitler". Seems rather appropriate in the circumstances.

Hope you had a good day lawn.

Maybe Susan will help with the hoovering.

For some reason, reading about your tosspot husband and his bloody mumsy makes me think of Norman Bates.

You're awesome, OP.

Exactly what the others have said, you ARE awesome, OP. xx
I hope other ladies in your situation read it and are inspired. Because there are a lot of us out there.

I am so loving this thread! Lawny, you so totally rock! It just goes to show that there's an inner bitch revved up in each of us just waiting to be unleashed.

Surprise Mr MotW (Master of the World) and MiL. That little kitten you loved to abuse had turned out to have very sharp claws!!

Tb that's hilarious !