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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 08/06/2016 08:40

Please don't disappear completely, think all of mums net is routing for you. Good luck!

ZestyMaximus · 08/06/2016 08:47

Hi Justine :) I think I'm a little bit in love with you (MIL - in a purely non lesbian way BTW) This is the most enlightening and satisfying thread I've read, possibly ever, about leaving an emotionally abusive spouse. KOKO. You're doing great. Wine Cake Flowers All for you.

Hi David - How shit are you at your job that your boss is constantly on the verge of firing you and merely looking for a flimsy excuse to do so? Here, have a biscuit Biscuit Is there anything you're actually any good at? Crap husband, crap father, crap employee and hides behind his mother's skirt. Maybe your golf handicap is semi-decent? So yeah... you've got that going for you I suppose. Hmm

NameChange30 · 08/06/2016 08:54

If you haven't already, please block your MIL's phone number so she can't call or text you.

MIL, if you're reading: congratulations on raising an abusive bully as a son. You have completely failed as a mother. Leave Justine alone, you and your son have done more than enough damage already.

Ladybird11 · 08/06/2016 09:03

How will we find out what happens (?!) I know it's none of our business but please let us know as we're all rooting for you! Xxx

brassywind · 08/06/2016 09:13

I'm pleased he has buggered of to MIL, but has he even tried to explain his absence to the DC?

ElspethFlashman · 08/06/2016 09:14

Keep on fighting for yourself Justine.

And David's Mum, just STOP being an arsehole.

BigPurpleCake · 08/06/2016 09:20

Dear David's Mum,
Perhaps get out of your son's marriage?
Just a thought

Lweji · 08/06/2016 09:24

Not much to say, considering who could be reading, just:

What a pair of twats

LazySusan11 · 08/06/2016 09:32

Waving a gin bottle for you Justine! Please start a new thread to keep us updated. I hope you find the strength and support to follow your own happiness Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 08/06/2016 10:02

Have you heard from him OP?

ddrmum · 08/06/2016 10:13

Just - you are truly amazing & your DC will have a fabulous future with you as a mum. Wishing every happiness in your future with gin, lawnmowers, cakes and all good things.
MIL has got her baby back - good for her. Looks like the reality of her lousy parenting has come home to roost (with crap on the clubs!!). I'd ignore her texts etc & maybe just block her.
Dave - you've really messed up. Well done👏👏👏👏👏

ArmfulOfRoses · 08/06/2016 10:14

Why is she worried about you coping with the dc alone?
You already do.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 08/06/2016 10:17

If I'd read a thread like this related to my DS's behaviour I'd be mortified and giving him a right old bollocking - not enabling his behaviour FFS....(thankfully my son is lovely and not even a teenager yet - but contributes more to family life than "DelisionalDave" - think on that MIL/D - outclassed by a pre-teen) Hmm

AmateurSleuth · 08/06/2016 10:29

Wow, well done you for getting from "I mainly do as he asks to avoid the almighty dogshit attitude if I don't" to celebrating the end of his power over you in hilarious and stylish ways, in just three days! I'm in awe.

Clutterbugsmum · 08/06/2016 11:02

She says that a divorce will cost "an awful lot of money" I really hope you told that's ok as her son keeps 80% plus of his income so he has plenty

and am I really sure I want to be on my own with 2 children that you are already on your own with the children as he does not parent them in way including paying for them.

I glad he gone I hope he stays gone.

RiceCrispieTreats · 08/06/2016 11:22

Well, presumably he's the one who's going to be on his own with two children every other week. For the first time ever.

KarenW · 08/06/2016 11:48

so the MIL is texting you about the cost of a divorce, when David has not had the balls to even have a conversation with you about it, his mum informs you that it will be costly?? WTF!

ijustwannadance · 08/06/2016 12:01

Send the dogs to his mum's too.

ijustwannadance · 08/06/2016 12:04

It is quite ridiculous that a grown man can't have a proper conversation with his wife instead of running back to mummy.

I think once he is out on his arse he will realise just how good a wife you are!

Fidelia · 08/06/2016 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 08/06/2016 12:18

The dogs do need to go too OP Sad

DeathByMascara · 08/06/2016 12:52

Justine, you're awesome. I've been reading from the start, agog at his behaviour and cheering with each of your posts. You rock!

MIL - please realise that you should be ashamed and not proud of the son you've raised. A bully and an abuser is the very last thing I hope for in my son and certainly wouldn't be supporting him in continuing to abuse his wife this way.

georgiegirl · 08/06/2016 13:04

I'm delighted that you're taking action OP. I can't imagine how enraged I'd be to receive notes saying "be a good wife".

I can see that you (and everyone rooting for you on Mumsnet) are euphoric that you've put your foot down about how you are treated by your husband.

But can I play Devil's Advocate? We all sign up to unwritten (and often unconscious) contracts when we settle down with someone. Dave's seem to be something along the lines of "I want to the Lord of the manor and my wife will be subservient and will create a perfect home".

But this plan doesn't seem to be working for him. And especially not for you. Do you think Dave would have the wisdom, courage and insight to address these attitudes he has? To think of ways in which he might build a better home (with both of your happier in it). For example, if he paid a cleaner and let you work more, that might be a solution for both of you? This would entail sitting down with a neutral third party, and doing some serious work on behaviour/attitudes? Do you think this is even a remote possibility?

Not to excuse Dave, but lots of people who get shipped to boarding school have the emotional intelligence of children. This, along with huge levels of entitlement, plus enabling from his parents, might lead him to behave the way he does. Do you think he'd be willing and able to address any of this?

Wishing you the very best of luck

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 08/06/2016 13:10

you will be alone with two children

Yep. It'll be great! A big step forward from being alone with three children 24//7 as you have been! Grin

TempusEedjit · 08/06/2016 13:19

Well done you Flowers

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