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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
jessicarabbit0411 · 08/06/2016 13:40

I have been following your thread with interest, this is the best example of Mumsnet solidarity I have ever seen. I won't subject you to the details OP but I escaped an emotionally and financially abusive marriage 10 years ago. The family (especially the MIL) sided with their darling son and I was threatened with all sorts including never seeing my kids again.
Guess what....it was all hot air....I saw the light and got out. And I did it.....by myself. I am now with a fabulous man who treats me with love and respect and is a proper Dad to my DC's.
OP you deserve so much more. It will be tough but it will be so worth it. Good luck to you, and massive hugs to you and your DCs Flowersxx
I will be thinking of you let us know how you get on.

Hillfarmer · 08/06/2016 13:50

Hi OP,

Loving your thread. You sound slightly euphoric. Keep eating just in case you come down with a little bump in the next few days.

And yes, speaking from experience, divorce does 'cost an awful lot of money', especially if you are divorcing an abusive and controlling shitbag who likes things to go exactly his way. Tin hat on, and Keep on Keeping on OP. Life will be definitely better on this other side of this.

wiltingfast · 08/06/2016 14:01

Jesus. He sounds terrible.

Why are you with this guy?

What is he adding to the relationship and your wellbeing?

wiltingfast · 08/06/2016 14:02

oops missed a bit don't mind me Blush

anonacfr · 08/06/2016 14:07

wiltingfast Grin

OP. Best thread ever.

LawnmowerLadies1945 · 08/06/2016 14:18

Well! I tried to delete this thread this morning along with changing my username, but it seems it is still here!

As an update, DH has been to the house while I was at work today and taken some random pieces of clothing Hmm so either he has bought a selection of new ones or he looks like he has had a twirl in Michael Jackson's cloakroom HmmGrin

Goingtobeawesome · 08/06/2016 14:19

"Let you work more."

So many posts lately about men letting their women do stuff. No no and fuck no. The person with the dick is not the boss. Marriage is supposed to be about equality and team work. No letting anyone do anything. Bollocks to that.

BigPurpleCake · 08/06/2016 14:27

Don't post on it with your new username! Report your comment just now

ElspethFlashman · 08/06/2016 14:28

Yeah if you report it (the three dots) they'll take it down for you.

LawnmowerLadies1945 · 08/06/2016 14:36

I'll change it again, I didn't want people to think I'd disappeared Biscuit

ijustwannadance · 08/06/2016 14:49

Don't change it to something so obvious thongh. Especially the 1945 bit.

ijustwannadance · 08/06/2016 14:49

*though

LawnmowerLadies1945 · 08/06/2016 14:53

I really don't care if mil stalks my posts Hmm she really should be busy elsewhere.

BigPurpleCake · 08/06/2016 14:56

In that case no need to change.

AugustaFinkNottle · 08/06/2016 15:05

If MIL is worried about the cost of divorce, does it occur to her that one way of avoiding it is to advise her son to do something radical like talking to you and actually listening with an open mind to what you have to say without going into a sulk? And maybe opening his mind to the possibility that writing down "Be a good wife" is the action of a total twunt?

In fact, MIL, I strongly advise that you tell him that you will be joining your DiL's washing/cooking/ironing strike unless he does precisely that? It may not work to get OP back, but he might have a fighting chance of turning into a reasonable human being and a good father and role model for his children.

RonBurgundysMoustache · 08/06/2016 15:34

Justine, you are my new hero!! You sound like an awesome human being.. And I would be honoured to have a friend like you!

David, You are a cuntnugget!! Now be a good egg and do fuck off and leave Justine and the children to enjoy their lives and flourish without your evilness! There's a poppet.

David's mum... You are a vile human being. You must be so proud of your spawn.

SpaceDinosaur · 08/06/2016 16:07

Has Dear MIL stopped messaging you OP?

If my MIL (who is a gem) ever tried to interfere in my relationship with my husband there'd be a short sharp shock in it for her!!!

David's mummy dearest, you do understand that talking to your daughter in law in your son's stead is actually 100% not normal right? To be the mouth discussing divorce in a relationship you should not be involved in to such an extent is abnormal.
To tell your DIL about how many children she should have
To wade your opinion in at her about her children's education...
You DO understand that none of those behaviours are normal right???

FattyMcFatFace · 08/06/2016 16:23

Lawnmower, you've had me in stitches and tears throughout this - I hope Twatface and Monster-in-Law rot somewhere, as they deserve.

There should be public warnings attached to gross fannies like this pair, to save anyone else getting caught up in their twisted lives.

All power to you and your DC xx

mix56 · 08/06/2016 17:00

But no one other than MIL has mentioned divorce. So he is crying to MIL r 3 meals not served ???? & she backs him up.
He hasn't thought to have a basic conversation about the "downing of tools" ? He just walks away from his family ?
It is astonishing how emotionally stunted & stupid some highly paid executives can be.
Surely this warrants an adult convo ? Once ?

mix56 · 08/06/2016 17:00

over .....

LiveLifeWithPassion · 08/06/2016 17:08

A decent mother in law would tell their son to go talk to his wife and fight for his family.

Fidelia · 08/06/2016 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 08/06/2016 17:45

A lot of "man child" accusations. I often read it on Mumsnet. I see what people are getting at, but I find the phrase rather insulting to children tbh. Most of these men are acting like utter shits, not children at all.

pointythings · 08/06/2016 18:21

Good point, Emma. My DH was a child once, and he was a man even then. Right now he's outside hanging out the laundry while I cook dinner - that's what men do, they pull their weight.

He only ever leaves me notes if I ask him to remind me of something, and vice versa.

OP, you are a MN hero.

IDismyname · 08/06/2016 18:31

Well Done Lawn!
Ive just read the thread, and count myself right behind you, along with the other wise MNetters...
Love your humour, too - we're here for you!
Hope you're heading for a long bath with more Wine

PS Why, Oh why is there no gin option on the Smileys List??