Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

DCs are on their teens so no childcare issues

I've told parents that we are having some problems but no details.

I only told my parents as I was meant to be going to see them. When I called to say I wasn't, I started crying.

I've just had a meltdown. Worried that she's going to contact me and tell me things to upset me. I looked her up online and she will see that I have. I'm out on my own at the moment. I messaged DH but he doesn't appear willing or able to reassure me right now. I literally don't know what to do or where to go right now

Sorry to hear you have had a bad day Barbara

and thoughts faffalotty and BR.

Is there anyone you can reach out to in real life, faff? Why not go to your parents anyway, you don't have to let them in on everything yet, just a safe place where you can just be, with company?

And forget about OW, who gives a fuck what she does, she's not worth bothering about.

I should hopefully be able to see a friend tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. It's been a very lonely few days. This will sound very odd, but when I've been out, walking around and seen other women (strangers) who've smiled or said hello I've almost wanted to go up to them and tell them how I'm feeling, not that I would actually do that - but I feel this urge to be comforted by other women.

Trying to get OW out of my head, I know that it is a waste of my energy.

That's not weird at all, I totally understand. I once broke down in the street and a woman came up and hugged me (but then asked if I'd found Jesus and gave me a flyer!) I suddenly understood why and how some people suddenly find god.

Great news about tomorrow. Sometimes watching a movie/TV show or something can help, if you choose something upbeat, give part of the brain something else to focus on.

Women are great. Well except the married but soon to be divorced woman who tried to appropriate my husband and did fuck him and did threaten me and my kids.

I couldn't have got through these last weeks without a poster on here (S) and a real life mate.

He either doesn't have what it takes to reassure you or his shame won't let him.

Everything you're going through is normal for the discovery of an affair. You'll see this from the healing library, but you will struggle to get through this on your own. Without him doing anything to help it's going to be like flogging a dead horse.

I was nearly 29 years in. We'd just had my birthday ( loving card) and valentines ( loving card) and were flying to Florida at the end of the week when I mentioned that it would be nice to renew our vows for our 30 th the following year when the shit hit the fan.
He was thinking of leaving me. No, there wasn't anyone else. He kept that pretence up for 10 months. Can you believe that?

I cried buckets.. Everyday . For months. It was a long slow torture.

Loads of rl friends, family our children. All bloody marvelous.

It was like someone opening a door into unfamiliar territory and chucking me in.

Everything looked the same....but there was nothing familiar about it.

He took to going away every weekend ( with the ow ) and taking our baby grandson ( to play with her toddler.)

Telling me he was going camping with his mate Graham. Oh the lies. Then he would be back Sunday night. Oh he wanted to try to rebuild our relationship .

He loved me but wasn't in love with me crap.
He played me like a puppet on a string faff.

No mn then. You lot would have seen straight through him. He hurt me good and proper. Stuck the knife in and twisted it.

He dithered about that much in the end she didn't want him either

I should've booted him right out that door whether there was an ow or not.
As they say in these parts, get your ducks in a row.

Make sure you know what is going on with your finances. Take photocopies. You might just need it.

So sorry op. it's such a horrible, horrible thing.
I've told my story on here many times and will tell you that it had such a happy ending.

He ended up with someone he didn't really love ( he told my son.) . Karma has a way of biting you on the bum. He was glad of her when he got a really nasty cancer and died of it a couple of years ago. So, at least I didn't have to go through that. He was estranged from his beloved daughter and three gorgeous grandchildren at the time of his death.

When my divorce ( horrrible and acrimonious ) came through, I went on a dating site and met my now DH.

He's worth ten of my ex and we've been together almost 8 years and so very happy.

Far happier than I ever was with the first piece of doo doo.
Never feel you have to settle.
I was 56 when I met my new DH.

When my .

Oops, sorry. I didn't realise how much I'd written.

It worries me I haven't cried yet. I immediately went in to love mode as he was very distressed.

Hope you got some sleep last night faff.

If you're anything like me I got on average about 5 hours.

I got up one winters morning about 5 am. Wind howling, bitter cold, hail blowing against the window pain and I was deeply distressed.

Went into our spare room where he'd moved into and it was empty. Laid awake worrying about him because none of us knew what was going on. Oh the irony. He came back in time to get showered and changed for work and said he'd been for a walk.

In the pitch black and freezing. Yeah right. He kept up this pretence for months.

I started to wise up. But by bit but the sheer grief I went through was unbearable.

My lovely mum used to make me laugh. She used to say, If only your dad was still here...
I'd say mum, he'd be 80 now. Doesn't matter, she'd say...he'd still have a go.

He probably would too...

Don't want to be the voice of doom and gloom here faff but I found out much later that his affair was the tip of the iceberg. She wasn't last in a very long line of affairs and prostitutes.
The one he eventually married , I ave no proof but I know he will have cheated on.

In the financial form e you have to fill in for your divorce was his subscription to a dating site while he was living with her.

His firm sent him two nights a week to another office in another city where he rented a flat and then he went to work in Dubai. He used to tell our son that you could hire a prostitute for a whole night for 500 quid.
Before that he used to go regularly to Kiev and I caught him looking on the Internet for prostitutes.

Not saying yours is doing the same.mine as a businessman who travelled made the most of every opportunity.

We all struggle to eat.
I couldn't eat anything that needed chewing.
I got by on ice lollies and sugary tea.
Try to keep hydrated and sugar levels up.
You need your strength right now.
Soups and smoothies might work for you as well.

I'm sorry it's so crap for you right now.
Hopefully you'll get to see friends soon.

Could you go to your mums for a couple of nights?

I'm actually feeling a bit better today, thank goodness. At least more stable and not overwhelmed.

I know that it may only be temporary but at least it's a little bit of respite.

goingtobeawesome - I wrote a reply to you earlier, but it obviously didn't post.

• do you feel that you want to cry? I guess we all deal with these things differently, I cried and howled uncontrollably. If you do want to, is there somewhere you can go to let your emotions out?

I feel like I should. I never ever cry about anything to do with me but do about strangers, to stuff etc.

I'm conscious of wingeing on your thread, don't want to make it real by starting my own .

I have a ten year old at home 24/7 so...

Feel free to whinge! We can all support each other.
I'm the opposite to you - I only cry about personal stuff, never cry at the telly or films or anything.

I'm all over the shop still. Okay moments, terrible hours. It's all crap.

Oh bless you. It is crap. I spoke to my friend today and we agreed that life is shit and not what you think it is going to be. I also read today that research found that 60% of married men admit to having affairs. Awful.

I've got diazepam from the gp. So see how that goes. May mean I'm not capable of driving to work though. Is it OK to call in sick for this do you think?

Make sure you cling on to any good moments and see them as a positive sign. Small steps

Of course OK to ring in sick. Would you be able to get to work by bus or other means and then feel able to work? If not, call in sick.

My whole life has been shit and my DH was the only person I have ever been able to rely on, then he's done this. I know why. I understand but it doesn't stop it fucking hurting to the point of not wanting to go on.

Had a dream that has unsettled me even though I can't remember a thing about it. Then it felt wrong I woke up and he was in bed next to me. Told him all this. He feels rubbish. I'm struggling to tell him I love him most of the time whereas before we said it a lot and always back at each other. Kissing him didn't feel right either today. Feel his mother sided with him when I told her the other day he was supposed to speak to her, he'd lied again and I wanted him to tell her and feel shit for once, and she said no opportunity with the kids about. I said no, all about his priorities. He later said he didn't want to upset her.... I won't be talking to her about it anymore.

I've made it into work - no drowsiness. Glad that I have as it gives me a sense of normality and life going on. Not sure I'm going to be working particularly hard, but I'm not that busy at the moment so it's not really a problem. I'm not in a highly responsible or stressful job thankfully.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling goingtobe We're not telling either set of parents as we don't see there would be anything to gain from doing so. Sorry, if you've already said this - but how long is it since you found out? I think that my best moments of coping are coming when I can see life as a bigger picture so that this doesn't completely overshadow everything. Such as spending time with someone talking about all sorts of random stuff or just focusing on yourself, not in relation to anyone else. I keep meaning to try mindfulness, I did download an app a while ago - ahve you ever tried anything like that?