Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

lots more replies and lots to take in - head is spinning a bit!

I've got my sleeping tablets now and an appointment with the GP on Monday.

It is difficult for me to give much information without saying too much - but the 'woman' involved has recently caused some trouble for DH and he hasn't been able to tell me (I know about the trouble but not her), so he had spoken to this female friend (from sports training) about it as he's been in a complete state over it (threatening suicide). Hence he didn't want me to see the messages between them or to meet her. He tells me his friend advised him to own up to me.
Basically it's messed up not only our relationship but his career too.

At the moment I really can't consider that there is any more that he hasn't told me. I'm so incredibly fragile right now, I'm only just keeping it together. I would say to you that, I believe him, he's so sorry for what he did - but then again I would have sworn blind to you a few days ago that he would never cheat on me. This is my life he's messed with, it's not bloody fair! I'm not the perfect wife, but pretty much my whole adult life has centred around him and supported him.

I've been out today and yesterday on my own. I'm neglecting normal life and chores (fortunately DCs are old enough to take care of themselves but they are aware that something is wrong so I feel bad about that). I don't know how I am going to manage to go to work on Monday.
Do you just pretend everything is ok and carry on? I don't even know how to be around DH - it seems ridiculous to have trivial conversations, like have we got any milk? or talk about things in the news or laugh at something - but should that just go on as normal? It's pathetic that I'm asking this but I just feel like I need guidance constantly.

I wish I had a good support network, but I just don't have close friends and I really can't tell my parents - I can't imagine they would think much of him after that (they've always liked him) and I think it would make it harder for us to rebuild the relationship.

Can you take a couple of days off work ?

Right now you're in shock. It's important that you :

Keep hydrated

Eat a little. I know chewing and swallowing food is hard right now. Just try things like yogurt /grapes. Enough to keep your energy up.

Get fresh air

In terms of what he's told you, do you know the length of the affair. How and why it started/ended?

You have a long marriage, so there's a lot to think about.

At the moment you won't know if he's remorseful, it's probably just regret right now. He told you because he had to, now that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't remorseful.

Your head will be spinning. Whether you want to stay in the marriage will be on your mind.

How you rebuild the trust will be with you for a long time or for the rest of your marriage.

You need communication although you probably don't want to see him much right now.

If you need space can you get him to leave for a couple of days?

By the way, that website has a forum for wayward spouses as well. If you both want to work this out, there is a lot of work ahead of you. If he isn't willing to do the heavy lifting, it will be a waste of time.

I am so so sorry, faff. I know what it feels like, I promise. Please please find an individual counsellor and please please think about who can support you, it doesn't need to be parents, or even old friends. What amazed me at points in my life is who shows up, sometimes quite casual friends become much much more if you let them into a traumatic time and it's amazing how many people have been through similar.

Please don't close your mind to asking for help and real life support, though we will be here for you too.

It does not surprise me in the least that you say your whole adult life has been arranged around him. This is true in the vast vast majority of affairs. There is an old saying around here that people are infidelitous when they are not GIVING enough to a relationship, not when they are not GETTING enough from it. Whenever someone invest a lot in something, they inherently value it more, this is true economically and emotionally. When someone invests less, either because they can or they are afraid or any number of things, they inherently value that thing less and will be more likely to betray it. It's called, commonly, taking things for granted!

It would not surprise me if when you start to think about it, your DH has shown entitled behaviour in other areas too, not because he is a villain, but because he has a tendency to compartmentalise, crave validation, or has had a lot of success in areas that offer him a lot of praise and status. He probably also manages to make himself the victim in things when he is retelling them ('she has cause a lot of trouble for me' etc) and that he is often somehow central in things, even without realising it. There will be traits that allowed this infidelity to happen and they wont' just apply there.

Faff, I'm not going to push with speculation or things at this point which will hurt you more, but I ask that you keep your mind completely open and try and surf this a little before making decisions. You will get stronger at some point. The anger will kick in, and that is the time to use that adrenaline. Right now you need to think of yourself as bereaved and make no major decisions. Because I promise you, they will not be based on anything solid. Of course he's sorry, whoopdidoo. He'd be a fucking psychopath if he wasn't sorry.

As you say, yesterday you thought he would never cheat on you etc. You do not know what you feel or, to be honest, what has actually happened. You do not know. You are going to survive and beat this not knowing and I promise you will get through this. But please do not continue to make him the centre of things right now, especially your sanity, support and source of beliefs. He is not your supporter right now. He is fighting for himself. Please trust us.

I promise people surprise you when you reach out with vulnerability. I know it hurts. It is awful right now. It will not always be this bad.

Much love.

I'm sorry and I hate to be thinking this way and possibly be adding to your pain, but have you seen the messages between him and his confidante confirming that his affair was with a 3rd party woman and not her as well? I genuinely wouldn't trust a word out of his mouth..

I personally would demand to see communication, the messages you refer to. They will exist. Or else look yourself. Please take care of yourself. Bear in mind it is very very common for people who have had or are having affairs to collapse in depression and / or threaten suicide to try and find a way out of the lies and it often is a subconscious tactic to distract and protect them from the pain of the injured spouse and to force them into a caregiver role.

I really don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to add my support. xx

bloodonthetracks thank you - I can really relate to what you are saying.

sandy thank you for the link, I've been reading through some of the resources on the site and although it made me cry it does make me feel like I'm not alone. There was a section on wondering how the world is still carrying on and other people are still doing normal things around you - that is exactly how I feel. I was out today where there were a lot of groups of mums with kids, chatting, playing and enjoying themselves. I felt like I was the only person in the world to have been cheated on.

Thank you to everyone who has posted their support, it really does help. You are all very kind.

We are here for you faff. And you are not alone. I promise some of the people you see walking around looking happy and laughing were once cheated on! And time has healed. Please return here if you need us and please don't put pressure on yourself in any way right now. You will be ok. And what you are feeling now is totally normal. Just keep your mind and yes eyes open. Don't waste the next decade wondering why you feel so sad with rotting lies shoved under the rug.

I would echo what Blood said. You don't know who shows up when you are in trouble. It is almost mystical - my confidant was not one of my closest friends or one if my sisters - it was a random older neighbour that I met when I was dog walking - don't know how I opened up - it just happened - she must have sensed something (maybe had been there as well, I never asked). And there will be old friends who disappoint and swerve you. I would carry on working (take a break if you need to recharge) as the distraction is helpful otherwise you will be consumed by it. Google the 5 stages of grief as whatever or wherever you ultimately end up you will emotionally rattle through this cycle many times.

Sorry you have to go through this. As far as I can see you have two choices either stay and put it behind you or leave. You can listen to people who have been through it and can give good advice, but ultimately only you can make the choice. But you do need to take some time to think what YOU want.

It's awful.
No 2 ways about it.
I did carry on.
It helped to be able to focus on other things and not wallow.
But if you need time then get to your GP and get signed off.
We all handle things differently.
I don't know what else to say.
Nothing will make this easier.
Nothing can make this go away.
You need to decide the best way for you.
It's so hard and I really feel for you.
Try to sleep.
It will really help.

Thanks. The sleeping tablets helped although not as intense as I expected. Got a lot more sleep than I have been getting but don't feel refreshed just groggy with the same churning, heavy feeling inside.

Spoken to dh a bit this morning. I asked about couple counselling but I think he has a bad view of it as just blaming and judging him. So I have asked if he will go to see someone on his own. He suffered a bereavement a few months ago and hasn't dealt with that productively either.

Yet again I am overwhelmed by pain this morning and don't know what to do. Is it wrong to keep going out to be alone? If it wasn't for the dc I would think of just disappearing.

I wish I was a stronger person

There are no wrongs or rights. You need to give yourself permission to do what you need to do to cope. Find space to take stock whenever you need it.

Couples counselling is critical - he needs to face up to this - you need it, he just doesn't want it. He needs to feel the discomfort and get over himself - this is about your healing.

Couples counselling works on context so will deal with each of your issues as they stand as well - so the bereavement, work crisis etc - in fact I found it a significant and helpful part to listen to his discussions around his feelings on things that had nothing to do with me - I learnt about the whole person and had empathy and sympathy for a lot of other stuff he was dealing with.

How do you cope with the pain - physical and emotional? I don't think I can take it much longer. The doctor asked me if I had thought of harming myself and although I haven't, it does seem like I could be heading that way - I need to escape it

Hi Barbara

Thank you for your understanding.

How gave you coped? How are things with your DH?

Everything I've been reading says I should expect to feel this bad for months and for it to take years to recover

Sorry for typo - how have you coped?

You are not a weak person. You have had your legs swiped from under you.

I am afraid your husband's response to the completely obvious, essential and tiny next step of couples' counselling is woeful and dispiriting. If anything he should be suggesting and arranging this. You 'asked'? Of course you feel weak, you are literally having to spend energy, when you have nothing, on trying to persuade him to possibly attend something maybe that is an essential beginning to look at the massive massive damage he has thoughtlessly inflicted and the chance of saving your marriage and your mental health (all of which he is responsible for assaulting). And then been rejected. Please get yourself to an individual counsellor ASAP. It can only help. This is not you. You are not crazy.

He doesn't want to attend couples counselling because he doesn't actually want to explore the reality of what has happened and be made to feel bad about it. Boo hoo.

Barbara - nice to hear that things are going in a positive direction for you. I'm sorry to hear you've not had any support, posting on here is really helping me when I've felt desperate and alone the past few days. Please keep posting and sharing if it helps you x

Bloodonthetracks - I will get myself to counselling, I've been looking at what is available locally. Not sure who to contact. My only previous experience was with an NHS counsellor years ago who, beyond the initial sympathetic noises, I didn't find useful at all.

I don't know if I feel I want couples counselling at the moment.