Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

I have one friend I have confided in but that's just by messaging. I don't have family nearby. I've mentioned to my parents that we're having some problems but I don't want to give them all the details.

The intrusive thoughts/images are the equivalent of flash backs in PTSD. You need to get this all out of your head or it will corrode you and your marriage. Your DH needs to answer all your Qs with 100% honesty time and time again. Please read the short book/pdf I attached - it will give you a clear structure of what HE needs to do for you in order to minimise the pain for you and have any chance of saving your marriage. Many of us who have been thru this will tell you that much if the pain is inflicted after the initial blow when questions are not answered honestly and patiently - he needs to understand that only he can salvage this by how he chooses to behave now and how he prioritises your healing - whatever you need.

Pace yourself - this is an exhausting unpredictable volatile roller coaster of a v long journey that you have ahead. I5 months in I still visualise them and am triggered by things daily ... But I am now able (mostly) to put that aside - but at your stage I was consumed 24/7 with it.

Expect to find out that he has minimised everything - you will stumble (or search) and find out more.

Are you communicating with him ? Doesn't matter if you are calm or screaming...how is he responding? He needs to be humble not defensive - he needs to understand how much Thai has hurt, damaged, destroyed you.

Don't throw it away. Find out why it happened and try to fix things. Don't listen to the "leave the bastard" brigade. Unless, that's what you want to hear.

I don't necessarily disagree with this - I think this is a decision everyone needs to make for themselves - but it's probably important to note that this comes from a position of affairs being very normal. If your parents had affairs and your friends do, too, it becomes "one of those things". It feels like it happens to everyone. It's not like that everywhere.. For example, I know one person who has had two affairs, and that's it. It is incredibly uncommon in my community. You'd probably be shunned, if anybody else knew. There's probably some secret ones, but it's definitely not half as prevalent.

Anyway, OP, whether you want to stay or not, you have to process this. The images are a way of your brain making sense of what you've found out. Go easy on yourself until you've sobered up, and then try talking it through. Get answers to the questions you have. Speak to the female friend, if you need too. When it starts to straighten up in your head, the images should decrease in frequency.

Good luck. I hope he is very aware of what he's done, and very sorry.

My soon to be ex DH had an affair after 18 years, so I have some understanding of what you are going through. I won't lie to you, it has been a tough old ride. But there is life after an affair. I was depressed (crying every single day, anorexic, barely sleeping) for around 2 years. Now, 3 years on, I am in a good place again. My kids see this and they are happier as a result, which of course makes everything easier. However you handle this, and I know from my own experience that breaking up with someone you've spent your whole adult life with is utterly inconceivable, it will get better, much better. For me, it was a question of am I more important to DH than the OW. In my case, sadly, the answer was no. But in your case, it sounds like it might be yes and the marriage worth fighting for. Keep your chin up and hang in there.

I hear you.
We never think it will happen to us.
We got the good one.
The one who always said he'd never do anything like that and he thinks people who do are disgusting etc.. etc....

We all understand the actual physical pain you are suffering.
It is horrendous.
And it won't get better any time soon I'm afraid.
But... it will eventually.

Keep getting images in my head of the two of them together. How do you cope with that?
I knew I never could which is why I ended my marriage after an sustained affair.
The fact he could hurt me so much when he was the one who should be doing everything to make me feel safe and loved.
The fact that I would never trust him again.
The fact the relationship would never be the same again.
The fact I would never ever forget.
The fact I would probably never forgive properly.
All these things meant I ended my marriage.

The images will fade in time.
It will all take time.

And don't forget.. YOU will NOT be throwing it all away if you decide to end it.
HE did this. It is all down to him and not you.
You did not break your wedding vows.
You did not sleep with another man.
You do not have to stay and 'suffer' if you don't want to.
You can walk away and please don't feel any guilt if you do.

But, like I said before - 28 years is a long time.
This is your decision.
Don't rush it.
Give yourself some space and time.

So you got drunk.
Hell we all did that.
I drank a lot!!!
Not always the best idea but sometimes we need that.
Don't beat yourself up about that either!

Oh, OP, those first days/weeks are horrendous. I remember well the racing heartbeat, insomnia and sick feeling (by the way, that's adrenaline - fight or flight response - and very normal following a stressful event). I also remember being shocked by the physical aspects of it, as I had dealt with other tragedies in life (deaths, including a suicide, of immediate family members and serious alcoholism of a parent), and nothing compared to the atomic bomb that seemed to have gone off in my life. It really is one foot in front of the other at this stage. You will do well to just do that.

When you are ready, keep re-reading the responses here. They are all valid. I am not necessarily in the LTB brigade, as you can see from my response above, but I equally think the assumption that any long marriage is worth fighting for regardless of the other party's actions is just as wrong. That's why it's good to keep all options on the table. Remember that, above all, when somebody has an affair (I'm assuming this was not a one night stand) the mental gymnastics required for a non-sociopath (again, I'm assuming your husband isn't one!) mean that your husband at some point de-valued you and your marriage to an extreme that I personally would never have thought my husband capable. Unless and until your husband understands why and how that happened, you might stay together but at what cost? Again, I can't recommend individual and then couples counselling enough. And please, please, please insist on it for him. The insight really must come from him. Anything less, and 28 years or not, I would hope you would be questioning whether it's worth it. (And again, you might conclude that it is for all sorts of reasons, but do it with insight of your own as to the costs and benefits for YOU.)

I have had a quick look through the pdf (thanks for sharing it) and could identify with many of the things it says - about how I'm feeling. I've asked him to read it - I just don't know if he has it in him to try hard enough to save the marriage. He says he just wants it all to go away (I think this viewpoint is mentioned in the pdf as common for the adulterer to feel). He is currently anxious and low from other things going on and is seeing a counselor for that (although I don't know how much of his anxiety has been caused by his guilt)
'Fortunately' in our situation the affair is long gone, it ended badly and he hates her. He says he has felt guilty ever since and is sorry rather than defensive.

do you have close friend or family you can confide in and go and stay with so that you can have some space in which to process the pain and see what you want to do?

No close friends. I do have a friend that I have messaged and told and she is supportive but on holiday now. I don't want to tell my parents and I'm not that close to my siblings

Going to try to get some sleeping tablets from gp today as I'm exhausted.

Luckily I'm off work. Think I'll go out soon. But no booze today! That was a very odd experience yesterday. Never been drunk in public places in the middle of the afternoon before - I won't say where, but if it wasn't so tragic it'd be funny

Faff - your last post shows potential to save your marriage. From a "technical" perspective some of the foundations might be in the right place to rebuild - but it is how the emotional fall out is responded to and maintained over the long term (years) by your DH that will determine the future. As PP have said, individual counselling and couples counselling is essential at this stage. But it needs to be with a quality counsellor and sustained over at least the next 6 months to build in any impact.

I think also that a good mind set is not to expect a definitive, clear answer or decision on if you leave or stay anytime soon - this will evolve and become clear over time and will depend on how you feel and how he chooses to respond to those feelings. It is also not a straight line, lots of twists and turns, ins and outs, ups and downs on this journey. We separated "for good" for a few months, then got back together "as a 6 month trial" which has now been extended for another 6 months - so going in "the right" direction for now. Couples counselling was brilliant (although painful) for us and has helped us start to build a much better marriage. Watch the booze - IME it triggered me into unhelpful rages when drunk (didnt take much alcohol) and then sapped my already expended energy and crushed my mood to negative thinking when hungover. You need a healthy, well rested, nourished mind and body to have the physical energy and mental clarity to get through this arduous journey. Make sure you look after yourself and cut yourself some slack.

Sleeping tablets will help get your body clock back in check and get your sleeping pattern back to normal.
I waited way too long before going to the GP for them.
They helped no end so hopefully they will do the same for you.
Keep busy is you can.

He may want it to go away but it's not going anywhere any time soon.
He's had time to deal with it. You have not.
He needs to understand that you need time as well.
I'm glad he's feeling guilty. So he should.
And he should also try to be more understanding of your feelings right now.

I'm sorry, you are clearly (& understandably) reeling 💐

If he hasn't 'got it in him' to 'save the marriage' then there's nothing to save 🙁That's really the bottom line IMO.

You can't 'save it', it's not in your hands.

I don't think it's going to be the historical affair that's going to kill your marriage but his attitude right now. He might want it to 'all go away' but he's not a 4 year old, that's not going to happen & he can fuck off playing the victim. He CHOSE to betray you over a period of time, how many times he stuck his penis in her really isn't the point & he's been lying to you since, having a close relationship with another woman, confiding in her & excluding you from yet another relationship. Seriously, he just wants to carry on like it never happened?!

I think the alcohol was a one-off. I've been teetotal for about 3 years.

Where should I look forward counselling? Just local private counsellors or relate?

Sorry typo! Meant to say where to look for counselling

"You can't 'save it', it's not in your hands.
I don't think it's going to be the historical affair that's going to kill your marriage but his attitude right now."

....and also for the next few years....he needs to know this....

I have not found Relate to be particularly effective - you need a very experienced, highly skilled couples therapist. I would get a shortlist from your GP and meet with (interview) them all - it is costly and you only have this one window to get it right.

Not Relate, start looking anywhere but Relate. Ring around a few and book a couple of 10 minute 'meeting you' sessions, if they won't do one for free, then don't bother with them. It's hard to find a good counsellor, there are way too many crap ones out there 🙁 If you book a session with one & you really don't get on, try another one.

At this stage it's really, really normal to want everything to go back to how it was, the fact is that no matter what you do, that will not happen. You can't 'fix' a marriage that's had a great big hole blown in it, you can either go your own way or totally rebuild your relationship together. BUT you can't do it alone, you can't do it if he's not showing all of the signs of being committed to doing that. Sadly, your DH is not showing you that. He just wants it to go away 🙁

I think that it is normal to want it to go away from the cheaters perspective .... It is painful to face the reality of the hurt and damage that they have caused - they want it fixed and forgotten about asap....in many ways you do too ie get it fixed asap and then try to "move on" and accept it too quickly. This approach will fail. Any repressed thoughts and feelings will leach out unconsciously overtime and corrode the relationship.

It all needs to come out on the table and be examined in minute detail - over a long period of time this is painful and exhausting - but the only way to process the emotions. Hence the need for a v skilled counsellor - alongside the full commitment from your DH for 100% honesty, humility and patience for you to heal so the relationship has any chance of survival.

No matter how long ago it was, your pain is here and now.

I've private messaged you with a helpful site that specialises in infidelity.

You will find it helpful and understanding, as unfortunately so many others have been where you are.

faff, relationships can be rebuilt after an affair, so I am absolutely not negative about that sort of thing but I think you should take the time to look at some of the many many threads on here from the past. With the greatest will in the world, and an understanding of your immense pain, you need to accept that it is HUGELY UNLIKELY that you are being told the truth about this right now. It is almost certain that he will be minimising, and very likely indeed he will be outright lying. This is what cheaters do. It's a panic, kneejerk response to lessen the pain for the other and cover up misdeeds and keep options open. The fact that you have described him as somsone who wishes it would all go away makes me pretty certain your partner will be doing this.

I understand that you will be veering massively on the side of making things work right now. The fact is (and I do not believe there are any exceptions to this) you cannot know this unless you know the truth about what has happened, because you cannot judge. And you also cannot really know this until you have truly, deeply and frighteningly considered leaving, properly. Otherwise it is not a choice to stay, it is a terrified, shocked pick me dance from the hell of someone else completely destroying your perceoved reality and replacing it with nothing.

The story of JonestheSteam on here is worth searching for, it's a positive one. You will find many, many of people lied to and minimised to at the point of discovery, who then spend 2 to 10 years trying to revive a relationship while brushing inconvenient truths under the carpet, with an under-invested, resenting cheater partner, and a neglected, bitter, broken and confused cheated upon partner. This is very very very common. Don't waste years of your life. This has to be looked at. Get yourself into individual counselling to bolster your esteem and get yourself a support network in place. I know you are going to feel ashamed and confused but you should tell people close to you if you have friends an family you trust. Keeping it as a secret isolates you, prevents you gaining objectivity and makes him your only source of support for the thing he has done to you. This is not healthy.

Watch Beyonce's Lemonade!

And we are here. There is not enough information in your posts to really take your hand and guide you through this as we could do here. For example this friend he did not want you to contact because she knew about the affair etc seems odd and weak as an explanation. Most people who know about affairs will not admit it anyway, or if they wanted to, they would have done unprompted, so I am not sure why he would be so concerned about contacting her as to admit it to you. Perhaps you could elucidate if you want to.

I am not trying to worsen your pain, I promise. I'm trying to reduce it long term by suggesting you really fact this thing and the reality of it now. I am so so sorry this has happened to you.

Local private counsellors are best in my experience but you may have to try a few to get someone right for you. There are some weak ones out there.

I would strongly suggest getting individual counselling alongside or instead of couples counselling. It is you that needs support right now, and you need it outside of him. A couples counsellor considers the relationship the patient and it may be you are not ready for that yet.

What is HE doing, is he offering couselling, is he understanding how bloody devasted you are - I get that he feels guilty, big deal, he should, perhaps you can save things but it can't just be you that is driving it all OP, he should be bending over backwards for you now and for as long as it takes for YOU to trust him, he's broke it, not you, no matter how bad things got you never had an affair, he choose that route, sorry but it just sounds like it's you running about trying to make things better, just remember YOU have done fuck all wrong here.

And you also cannot really know this until you have truly, deeply and frighteningly considered leaving, properly. Otherwise it is not a choice to stay, it is a terrified, shocked pick me dance from the hell of someone else completely destroying your perceoved reality and replacing it with nothing.

Yup. I can only speak from my experience, but when I found out, that evening I told my husband to leave. He has not stayed in the house since. We have now been separated for just over a year. We have both had individual counselling most of that time, and in April began couples counselling. In many ways, my husband is the "ideal" cheater after the fact. He has followed the books almost to the letter, answered all questions, been consistent about what he wants and in his role with the children, and it still has been excruciating and I am not 100% convinced a reconciliation can happen. But I will tell you when I started to think there was some possibly, when I let myself open up, just a little, to him again. It was about 9 months in, and it was one of our talks, and his face just turned to agony. He grabbed my hand and he said he was so sorry. And for the first time, it didn't seem driven by guilt, or self pity. It was just a realisation. It was very powerful. I'm so, so skeptical that any marriage can survive without that.

And now I am in a place where I am truly at peace with one of two outcomes. In the first, we reconcile, pull our relationship back together and have a different, but in many ways deeper (I wouldn't have believed this until about a month ago) connection. In the second, we go our separate ways. I can live with either one. And it is from that place I will decide.

I wish that place for you, but let me say that it took a full year of living apart to get there, and was anything but a foregone conclusion. Quite the opposite.

That's fascinating, dontknow, thanks for that. It chimes with my experience and those of the people I know. I think it's almost impossible to see or imagine that though at OP's point in the process. But I have seen marriages that didn't do what you're describing in terms of realisation and full consideration and where they are now and it's way way sadder.