Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

I don't know. She told him about my husband. He employed a private investigator to find me and wrote me a letter telling me what they had been doing. It came the day DH left work early to tell me himself as he knew a letter was coming. He got home ten minutes before the post man brought it.

Part of me would rather not know but there has been slight positive so...

You have to live your own life for yourself and make your own decisions. I've been influenced too much by others and it's only brought me pain.

How's everyone doing?

Hi no I haven't started another thread.
I've been trying to keep busy. Too much thinking gets me upset.

Our house is now for sale, although seems like it's a really bad time to try and sell. I've been to the bank about a mortgage and trying to get some free legal advice. I've also been able to get some free counselling through an employee scheme at work. First appointment next week.

Trying to focus on the here and now as analysing the past or worrying about the future is causing anxiety and depression.

BR - glad you've had a good week. Hope it continues.

I understand you Faffa. I'm finding it isn't always helpful to talk about the past. The date has now passed for when we said we'd try and move on and I find in the couple of days since I feel awkward when I mention it. I don't want DH getting cross as we said we'd try and not talk about it but I have to be free to do so if I need too. He dropped another shock yesterday which really upset me and I was surprised how upset I was as he told her worse but there's no accounting for emotions.

My blood went cold when I read he'll be with her. Is there no way he could change jobs?

I take my hat off to you. The ow lives the other side of the world and has still seeped into my house and life here with her threats and knowledge. She might even be dead now as she's threatened it many times and if her stbeh is to be believed has tried. I understand why DH did it. Just picked the wrong thing to try and make X happen.

Hi faffalotty,
I can understand, how to feel at the time? 28 years is a very long time and I think you should hire a professional couple therapist, who can understand your problem and get back to a trusted relationship.
Thanks!!

I've not met her, to my knowledge, as long as he's telling the truth and since the letter came from America I assume he is. Told him I don't want to know her name. I do a bit what she looks like .

I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

I'm finding that every little thing DH does that annoys me or makes me feel rubbish, puts me back to the day he told me.

Hi ladies, just read this thread again, I don't want to hijack but I'm struggling too at the moment after finding out about DH affair in November. It seems to come and go in waves and now all friends I told assume all is ok and I feel so lost. Is this normal?

Emptynestx2 feel free to start your own thread but just for now, yes, it is perfectly normally to feel all over the place. Your life has been turned upside down with no warning and of course you're not going to feel settled within five minutes. If you want support, tell your friend how you're really feeling.

Thanks Going, I've bumped my original post rather than re write it all.

Take care everyone.

Not sure really, BR. The peri-menopausal symptoms I have - while not being p-m according to the doctor - are not helping .

How are you?

I keep thinking about it. How they swapped fantasies, flirted. He's NEVER flirted with me. How he booked a specific room with contents. How he spent family money on her paying for the hotel and dinner. Took her chocolate. How he must have touched her.

The lied it was just one day. How he only told me in the first place and then the rest because he had no choice.

Fucking fucking fucking twat and I don't have the energy for this.

Fucking bastard.

I'm glad you're feeling much better, BR, and hope you don't get so low again

There just no time and I have no energy to think.

DD is needing a lot of our emotional energy at the moment so DH and I are left. We ate dinner in the garden yesterday and I felt like we were on edge and feeling very polite towards him.

I'm so sorry, this sounds terrible. I can't really advise but a male friend had an affair while he was married to a mutual friend, I found out after they had just separated and asked him what the hell was he thinking. He just said it was because it was something different and exciting. It wasn't better and he didn't love her (the affair) was just in a rut and the girl who pursued him made it fun and exciting with none of the normal slog of house work and normal life issues. And he fell into it.

Terrible I know, and in a way cheapens it more that he throw his marriage away for that. But it may be some consolation that it very often doesn't mean anything, not love or intimacy just a cheap excitement that you can get carried away in like having a double life, rather than it being the reality someone wants.....I don't know if I've made it worse, but although terrible painful it might be worth finding out what it meant to him before deciding what to do? 🌺