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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found out dh had an affair

486 replies

faffalotty · 02/06/2016 11:09

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

OP posts:
BarbaraRoberts · 04/06/2016 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 12:45

Did you consider counselling Barbara?

OP posts:
dontknowwhatcomesnext · 04/06/2016 12:48

Oh, OP, the faster you and he can start knowing that what happens now is not about him anymore the better off you will be. It is that belief that is at the root of what happened, and it needs to be ruthlessly taken out. It's not about how guilty he is, or how depressed, or how bad he might feel in counselling. And really it's not about punishing him (though you might want to do that too!), it's about the inability to heal and have a marriage worth keeping if he continues at the centre of his and your universe. He must start to see you again as a separate person.

Please, please, please consider some time away. Can he not leave for a while? While you are in the same space it will be excruciatingly difficult to get that perspective and start the process of getting his "voice" out of your head and yours back in. In my case, it took a full six months before I could stop anticipating my husband's comments and could stand firmly with what I believed.

xMumToTwox · 04/06/2016 12:51

How are you feeling today xxxxxxxxxxx

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 13:07

All over the place. Vaguely calm then panicking then feeling sick. Very tired

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Poppledopple · 04/06/2016 13:28

I know you are daunted from what you have read that it takes years to work thru this - but it is not the same level of hideous all day, every day. The clouds do change, shift and lift in time and IME I could look back after 3 months and 6 months and 9 months etc and to see that things were becoming clearer. You are at a bad point right now and again IME it gets worse (disclosure, withholding, etc) in the short term and then turns a corner. But as others have said this is 100% about your hurt and healing which he has to be 100% responsible for. There is no provision here for indulging him - he has to suck it up. If he has been recently bereaved he should have empathy because again the pain you are experiencing is as profound and earth shattering. He needs to know this and appreciate this. An affair revelation leads to the grief of a marriage - your past, present and future marriage has been eradicated.

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 15:38

I've looked up some counsellors - prices range from £35 to £85 for 50 mins. I can use savings if it is going to be worth it. But what sort of price should I expect? Is a cheaper one (working from their home) still going to be ok?

They are all BACP registered

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BloodontheTracks · 04/06/2016 16:17

Hi faff

Thinking of you today. Remember to eat and keep going where you feel supported. Reach out to that friend of yours, maybe talk on the phone? Something about the reality of a voice rather than a text is vulnerable but really really helpful.

Yes, avoid NHS, price isn't always the best guide, go with your gut, look at websites if possible, you can ask for a quick chat on the phone first. If someone doesn't seem like 'your sort' try someone else. I think if you are generally isolated and with little real life support it is worth it. Like many people with unfaithful partners you may find that you have been gradually more isolated for years and years as your world revolves and integrates more and more with theirs, while they stay more compartmentalised and powerful. It is a terrifying place to find yourself in. But this is the beginning of remembering yourself again. (remember what I said about who GIVES the most to to the relationship is actually more likely to be faithful? And the person who gives the least, less.)

Yes, couples counselling assumes often that your first priority is saving the relationship. Who knows, it may be. But one thing I would say is that your husband is getting off scott free right now, and clearly doesn't want anyone coming too close to what's been going on lately. Don't let his preference seep into becoming your preference by default. He's been seeing his own counsellor for christ sake (and probably partly because of the mess he's been getting himself into)! It's not like he's opposed on principle to therapy. He just doesn't want to. He's prepared to take that step to protect his own mental health lately? But not yours? Even though you are the victim?

But I can completely understand you not being ready for that. I deeply deeply regret not going into counselling in the wake of an affair, I had absolutely no idea what was reasonable or not, felt mad, I lost complete sense of what was ok and not ok and things were not resolved for a very very long time. I was just too afraid to face it and what it could mean.

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 16:31

I've spoken to a female counsellor who is local and sounds nice, without being too soft IYKWIM - not someone who is just going to make sympathetic noises.
I can see her next week for an initial consultation, which I like the sound of as it is about an hour long for me to talk to her and see if I want her to help

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BloodontheTracks · 04/06/2016 16:49

Great! Yay. Go for it.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/06/2016 16:53

Ime tell him he has to own up to everything and he will say he has/will and fhen weeks later you'll still find out stuff.

Do what you need to do right now and don't worry about his feelings.

I'm so sorry for you.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/06/2016 17:11

Sorry, I should have read everything before I posted. My post is disjointed.

Now I've read the whole thread I feel like you're typing what I'm feeling.

Unicow · 04/06/2016 17:42

I know two couples who have come out strong after an affair but it takes a lot. It takes both people to want to save the relationship. The person who did wrong has to be truly sorry and open to being questioned etc. Both people need to communicate constantly to address any issues and ensure it doesn't happen again.

Both couples had a really rough year or so, especially rough for the wronged party. There were lots of tears and roller coaster of emotions to go through. It is very bloody hard but doable. It takes a lot though from both people.

Good luck and lots of WineCakeChocolateFlowers

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 17:45

Sorry if you're feeling how I am goingtobeawesome

I really don't know/think there is anything that I am going to discover. I didn't discover this, he just admitted it all to me. Although I knew that he had lied to me about things in the past (not sure if I've already said this but many years ago he had a close friendship with a young woman at work who appeared to be in love with him) and more recently confiding in his training friend, this revelation came like a bolt from the blue. I'd never even heard of this woman. He admits that he was stupid and pathetic and has felt guilty about it ever since (I know you're unlikely to feel any sympathy!)
Although a part of me wishes that he'd never told me, I guess the aftermath of it had been affecting our relationship ever since, even though I didn't know it. He didn't shower me with love and affection as you may think a guilty man would act (clichéd unexpected flowers etc) but acted very defensive if I was ever suspicious of his behaviour, even accusing me of being suspicious when I wasn't and we did drift apart quite a bit. We talked just recently and I committed to making a fresh start and for us to reconnect and revive our relationship and he didn't quite seem to share my enthusiasm. I now wonder if the guilt was stopping him. So I hope that now it is out in the open that we really can move forwards.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 04/06/2016 17:49

I feel sympathy for both I think.

He was never going to tell me. Only did as her husband wrote to me and he told me ten minutes before the postman brought the letter. He still didn't tell me everything though until he was forced too in similar circumstances to the first admission. I'd rather have not known. He's ruined everything.

I wished I'd listened to my gut feeling as I felt he was up to something but I felt I was projecting. I recently had a legal situation where an ex was involved (police insisted. I really did not want him called) and ex and I had been texting so I thought that was my guilt thinking he was up to something Hmm. He was.

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 17:50

Thanks for the positive stories unicow

I don't know any stories of people who have been through this, as I've said I don't really have close friends who would share that sort of thing with me. No doubt there are people that I know who have been through this, they've just kept it all private.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 04/06/2016 18:03

Just to say if you don't "click" with the counsellor you shouldn't feel bad about walking away. A good counsellor knows that you need to be a good fit for each other, it's not a mark against them if you don't want to continue. Hope you're well matched and that it helps you move forwards.

faffalotty · 04/06/2016 18:27

On my own this evening and a bit worried about panic attacks. My emotions have been all over the place today, I really don't think I will be capable of going to work on Monday. I have a dull, numb feeling, then suddenly re-live him telling me and it's like an explosion going off inside me again.

My initial reaction was horror, followed quickly but briefly by anger and rage. I've not really felt any anger since, I thought I would. I hate what he did, that he brought this into our lives, but I don't actually hate him. I had an initial thought of wanting to tell her husband (he may already know, I don't know) and mess up her life, but I don't wish this pain on anyone else.

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Goingtobeawesome · 04/06/2016 18:29

Mine lied to me today. Chest tight. Feel back to day one again. I'm not impressed.

BarbaraRoberts · 04/06/2016 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poppledopple · 04/06/2016 19:39

Google the 5 stages of grief and the symptoms at each stage - you will go thru these, flip back and forth, feel a few all at once intensely, repeatedly, for short periods for days and then go thru it all again. It is exhausting, you will be damaged by this - life has changed for ever. Expect anything to happen - but just look after yourself. It resolves in time. Take care.

BloodontheTracks · 04/06/2016 22:58

Sweetheart, faff, I'm so so sorry this is so painful and hard. I know it must be breaking your heart and I know it's hard to hear. but he won't have been unenthusiastic for the last three years about your relationship because of guilt of an ended affair. That doesn't make sense. People just aren't wired that way. If an affair has ended, particularly badly, people tend to either (rarely if there are kids involved) leave having realised they cheated for a reason or, much more commonly, throw themselves back into the original relationship almost grateful for its existence after an infidelity which has proven to them the grass isn't greener.

I know this is hard to hear but the fact is by far the most likely explanation is that this affair has been on and off all this time, beginning around the time that he claims it ended and that recently someone has been pressuring or threatening him to tell you. Either the OW or the mutual friend you mention who may be unwilling to conceal what she knows.

Whatever, the fact is you were just as committed to him three years ago as today, so does it really matter, in terms of hurt and morality when he did what he did. Someone who has definitively ended an affair years ago does not admit to it years later out of random 'guilt' and then show no real motivation or passion for repairing the damage. That's just not psychologically believable. It's not how people are.

You know this young person who appeared to be 'in love with him' probably had reason to have confused emotion, right? It is very often the case that an adulterer explains away bad behaviour with this explanation. (I am not saying it NEVER happens that random people get obvious crushes, but it's a vast vast minority in cases like you're describing)

The fact that he has lied to you in the past does not surprise me. Nor does you having suspicions which he ridiculed. This is par for the course. I am afraid that to repair this, he would have to be really really brave and honest about his character and past. I am not saying he doesn't or didn't love you, nor that any of your relationship up to this point is false. But From everything you describe, he is someone who has massive problems with honestly owning up to his flaws and misdeeds and if that is the case, he cannot address and repair them with you until he is honest about this. I promise I am not trying to paint him as a villain, this is very human and many people have infidelitous behaviours in their past, for many reasons. But you are the person we are caring about and worried about here and at some point when you feel strong enough, you may need to let him know that he can no longer treat you like this and he is going to have to show some completely different behaviour, around honestly, vulnerability and courage, the opposite of what he has done so far, in order to keep you and to save himself.

Why do you doubt you could discover anything else? Are you not intimately involved in his social and professional circle? If not, why not? That, again, is par for the course if someone wants to keep secrets. You are well, well within your rights to speak to any of the women you mention here, and though many would talk about 'dignity' and pride' in relation to this, which I can totally understand, and i know that this is too early for you, but I would say it sounds to me like you are well out in the cold on this, with no help or protection but a husband who I'm pretty sure is still lying to you possibly about a number of things. If you want to reach out, you can. There is already an almighty mess. I'll bet at least one of them is waiting for your call. Or threatening to make it themselves.

I am so so sorry he is treating you this way. I would suggest speaking to some people, snooping, or challenging him more directly in counselling. What is your relationship like generally? Do you feel comfortable challenging him when you think he is being dishonest with you? I get the feeling from what you're saying that he is somewhat central in his idea of this relationship and unused to having to explain himself.

BloodontheTracks · 04/06/2016 23:02

Sorry for the intensity of the above, faff. I know you are just trying to get through the days. I just don't want to see you taken for such a ride. All I'm saying is, if everything you are accepting is coming from him and him alone, with no third party to help you in support or enquiry, then you need to not lean totally on its believability and really start trying to build a network outside of him to love and reflect with, because he stinks of bullshit.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely and bright and kind.

faffalotty · 05/06/2016 12:00

It is a bit intense and a bit too much for me to think about at the moment Just getting through each minute and hour is enough right now.
Sleep is still very poor despite taking the sleeping pills and I'm struggling to eat, so feeling very weak. Weighed myself and it was a shock.

DH told our DCs that we'd had an argument, when I disappeared after finding out. I think they must know what it is about, but aren't mentioning it at all. Unless they were completely fast asleep they must have overheard some of what I said to DH and from the state I have been in, they must surely suspect the truth?

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 05/06/2016 14:12

Try and eat something, even if it's just dry toast. Sweet tea also good. How old are they? Can someone help you with childcare? Maybe you can tell your parents you aren't well, which is pretty much true?

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