Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

Glad you're back at work. Very impressive.

'We're' not telling? He's not on your side. I'm sorry. This isn't something that's happened to both of you. It's something he's done to you. And it's he that has much to lose in the telling. Please don't be dragged back into absorbing his POV wants and needs. Of course you're going to be drawn towards comfort now because you're in such a painful, uncomfortable situation.

I know you'll view me like a thorn now but I promise I am trying to help you, as I wish I had been helped. You might be so hurt and alone that you will be grateful for any decision or situation that frames you as a team again. Please don't fall into accepting that this was inevitable (60% stats etc), all men are bastards etc. Those statistics are much more complicated than that. That's understandable. But it's not true. You Dh seems to have fallen into some terrible patterns, habits and treatments. You do deserve better (from him even I mean). You have been badly treated and he's dealing with it badly and cruelly.

yes, I would try and focus as much on the life you have around yourself and outside of him as possible. There's way more to life, and to you I'm sure, than this man's wandering and lies. Don't make him everything to you. Use other things and people to lean on. Otherwise you'll justify everything he does simply because you need him there to lean on. Also, it's well known that cheaters tend to only really value the primary partner when they realise there is a real possibility of losing them. Open your mind to your own strength and value here. I wish you only good things. Yes, yoga and mindfulness all good. Especially a class or something where other people are there.

Do you actually know what happened? Or are you relying on his word? (I wouldn't).

Sounds like he might well have had other affairs in the past, eg the young colleague many years ago. You only know what he's told you at present.

I don't think 60% of men have affairs - perhaps some pop quiz or one piece of research found that. It sounds like your friend's line might've been that this is "just what men do". Shit that has to be accepted. It's not.

My original decision was no one was ever going to know but that had to change when she said she was on a plane and would tell my children etc etc etc stupid other threats I don't want to post in case she's on here. I had to send them to be looked after in case the stupid cow turned up.

It's been less than four months. It's getting worse. Fucking hate what he's done. Feel very unwell today. Emotional strain = physical symptoms for me.

Sorry, when I meant 'we're not telling' I didn't mean that we'd made a joint decision not to - just that I decided myself I wouldn't tell my parents and he has said he's not going to say anything to his. I'm not close to his parents so wouldn't talk to them about it anyhow.

dozer - I'm just going along with what he's said at the moment. It's very early days and I'm just trying to take it slowly. I am physically and emotionally in a poor state and just want to be gentle on myself. Not making any big decisions. Need to let things settle and gain some strength.

Hypothetically I would have thought I'd throw him out, think good riddance, be strong and brave and build a wonderful new life for myself. Real life just isn't like that though - you never know how you'll behave in a situation until it actually happens.

goingtobe

have you been to the doctors?

I am going to be thorn number two with Blood. She is giving you great, if difficult to hear advice, with much compassion.

I would like to re-iterate what I said above: You have almost zero chance of a happy and healthy marriage after this if you and he continue to treat him and his needs as the central issues. Your interests are not the same on this issue, and, yes, as Blood says there are alarms bells galore over his past and current behaviour. What is he willing to do for you for your healing? Hint: Guilt and remorse are still about his feelings and have very little to do with you. Next hint: Refusal to agree to any counselling you suggest has little to do with your healing.

We say this not to hurt you. It is an awful, awful time, and I'm actually not sure I could make it through the experience again myself. But if you want a good marriage, not just a marriage, you just simply can't go on with business as usual. It won't work. It really, really won't.

You've never responded to any of our suggestions re you (or ideally he) getting some space for a while. Why is that?

I really do wish you the best.

Sorry, faff I understand now what you mean about 'we'. Forgive me for being patronising.

I'm not suggesting you make big decisions, just that at some poiny you seek further information, from him, from others, or from social media, phones, bills etc. You don't know how many times he's been unfaithful or what happened and there are indicators that he's lied many times and is likely to be lying still.

He won't even attend couples' counselling? That's unacceptable.

You already made some big decisions by accepting his word in the past.

dontknow - I hear you. I do fall into my default mode of carer, it's just my nature, more so since having children I rarely put myself first. He has agreed to counselling and we did see someone for an initial meeting yesterday. Possibility of individual or joint sessions or combination of the 2. Not sure how it is going to progress but it is a start.

Sorry I wasn't deliberately ignoring questions. Re getting space - he has had a few days away and may be going again. In some ways it's harder when he's not there as I feel more alone and there's more opportunity to get myself worked up.

Not really fair to you if you're left caring for confused DC and he goes off alone - unless he usually does this it might be better for him to do domestic and other work, any DC help with their stuff/homework (if you usually do this) to give YOU some time and space.

dozer - sorry I think I was still typing when you posted (i'm not getting much work done!)

As the affair was so long ago - 4 years, not 3 as said originally. There wouldn't be any evidence now. I am hoping that things will come out more productively through counselling rather than us having 'discussions' about it ourselves which will just be emotionally draining and probbly counter-productive. If there are deep underlying issues which can't be resolved then I hope we can come to that conclusion in a relatively controlled way. If it ends up that we don't stay together I would like it to be because we have both realised it is for the best rather than from fighting and resentment (admittedly maybe I'm hoping for too much there).

faffa, I understand completely. I really am not exaggerating when I say it took me months in therapy (and a therapist who picked up on the issue right away) before I could make statements like "I think", "I feel", without having my husband's views in my head. It is difficult. I get it completely and have no judgement for you.

I just hope that you can bear to hear from a few voices on here, like mine, that will go against some of the well meaning advice you'll get from the vast majority of infidelity "reconciliation" websites and pop psychology, all of which will tell you that some needs of your husband were not being met by the marriage, so you should be exploring those. Sometimes that's the case and the marriage has gone really off course and your husband has been unhappy for good reason for a long time (and even then, he should have addressed that first, and not cheated). But in a long-term marriage like yours it's at least as likely (if not more likely) that his infidelity was caused by a toxic combination of the usual boredom we ALL feel in a long-term marriage, opportunity, shitty boundaries and entitlement. So if you are spending all the time trying to figure out all the ways he was failed by the marriage, you have completely missed addressing what actually may have caused him to cheat. Be very, very wary of explanations that are talking about his needs.

No I strongly feel that it was just his decision to do it. If needs weren't being met then he should have addressed that with me.
I think it was opportunity and weakness.

I have no empathy as I literally cannot imagine behaving like that, however flattering or exciting it seemed.

Rather than looking at what was/is wrong within the marriage (although there are aspects to consider there, circumstances had caused us to drift apart a bit and we didn't address it) I think the deciding factors will be more down to his issues of honesty and respect and if those can be changed.

Faff - you do not have to feel, do or think anything at the moment about your future. You are in shock - it is v early days - it will take many months for you to work through all of your feelings. Emotions will range from numbness to anger to despair to rage to confusion - these may be transient or intense and/or build or dissipate over time. You will just need to work thru and process them - in time how you feel and then what you need or want to do will become clear. Keep sharing, off loading, venting, trying to understand etc it will help - but don't feel pressure to make a black or white decision at this point. Take care

As well as addressing his issues of honesty & respect, I would also look at his sense of entitlement and selfishness - cheaters are usually selfish people who have decided that their "need" to have extra marital shags is more important than keeping their vows/promises of being faithful.

When it comes to respect, which is a frequent problem for cheaters towards the person they cheat on, the best way to explore that is to work to become as independent as possible. The entitled expect the world to revolve around them and for others to collapse without them. It is a huge shock when the betrayed start to question whether the CHEATER is in fact worth being with.

poppledopple thanks for your advice. I have indeed been through a whole range of emotions already today and it is really helpful to know just to let the feelings come and go and not be hasty and make any decisions.

Blood yes, independence is something I have lacked. I get the feeling that you probably understand me quite well, maybe because we are similar or you are just intuitive

Barbara and goingtobe hope you are ok today.

Hi faff

Please don't think of it as something you lack. Far more likely is it something you have let go of to support and invest in a relationship you believed in. Respect and reciprocity are things that HE has lacked.

And I have helped hundreds of women through many different sorts of infidelities on these boards, and been through my own in life (on both sides I'm afraid). So although ever circumstance is of course very different, and each couple, there are psychological patterns and strategies that as human beings it is impossible to ignore.

Sending you all the best for today.

💐 and 🍷 All round.

Take care of yourselves.

Thank you.

slept for about 20 minutes so probably going to crash soon

Hope you got a better sleep last night goingtobe