Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

goingtobe sounds like things have got really rough for you, sorry to hear that. I would really recommend to you (if you haven't already done so) to go to see your gp and possibly get something prescribed to help you relax/sleep etc. and get some counselling.

I think my situation is somewhat different as there has been an ongoing issue of lying, deceit and shutting me out - the affair was not a one-off incident in an otherwise wonderful marriage. I had some doubts at the weekend over whether I was doing to the right thing, as, like you, I do still love my husband and am attracted to him. However, I do have to remind myself that I love 'a version' of him which isn't actually real. It is a very scary step to take to decide to separate, you do need to be sure that life on your own will be better than life with him.

Thank you BR.

faffa, my period started today. I am convinced I feel worse around this time. Does anyone else get that? I've always struggled with pmt issues and have yet to find a way to not let them take over. If you feel you have to separate it doesn't have to be forever if you feel he wants to change and be with you. Maybe space is what you both need but even if he does change, you might find you prefer life without him. I'm not sure but does he want to stay with you?

I cut DH and my chat short so he could eat and said to call me when he'd finished if he wanted. He didn't but he did text me to say here ok xxx I love you so much. I hate that you are in pain because of me. I replied, if only you'd fucking thought and then when no reply after 9 minutes said I give up. Straight away he sent four texts. I can't change what I have done. I'm sorry xxxxx. I want us. I want you. I love you.

I haven't replied. I feel mean, like I'm punishing him but I'm fed up.

I thought I loved him but I love DH more as I didn't cheat. I love what ex and I had but I've known for a long time I'm not in love with him and DH knew that. If I thought I feel as I do because of my own fault then I can't go on as its hard to take. It's all been for nothing then.

I want us to make it. I just don't want it to be my fault.

Glad you've had a good day.

I've not worn my rings all day.

Yes

He said he takes responsibility but he did it because.....

I felt he was blaming me. I thought sensible to know why so the same situation can't happen again.

You're not, BR, it's all okay.

I feel like I've brought it all on myself by ever telling DH about my ex.

He says everything is mixed together for why he did what he did but there were three main reasons and one of them was how he has felt for years . None of the three issues should ever happen again but if they did it wouldn't be to the same degree of stress. He feels rubbish all the time at what he's done, feels angry with himself not me as I see the anger in his face and he wishes he hadn't done it but can't change it.

We both chose to talk to and meet people we shouldn't. She started flirting with him seven months after starting to talk and booked her flight without telling him but he booked the hotel. We both chose to meet them. He chose to sleep with her. I chose to talk to him and not have sex.

His actions were deplorable and inexcusable, but it seems clear that your relationship with your ex was completely inappropriate and that your H must have been hurt and pissed off about that, for a long time. You taking responsibility for your actions and decisions in all that doesn't equate to taking blame or excusing H for cheating on you. It does sound to me like he's taking responsibility and doing what he can to make amends.

Getting divorced and then somehow "trying again" would make no sense if you actually want to stay with him.

Nothing happened with ex. We talked twice in twenty years and I saw him once when DH was there because of legal stuff. DH could have told me never to mention him again. Sometimes he brought him up. I know he's hurt but I haven't done anything. I just mixed up my feelings of abandonment and abuse in my childhood with the happiness at meeting ex. I wanted my old life back when things were easier as the last few years were hard. And if it's fine for him to fuck someone and to lie to me numerous times because he couldn't understand the attachment to an ex when no one else had given a shit would to have been okay to fuck my ex last week because I was hurt? Of course not. I feel punished for my shitty childhood and now have the pain of dhs affair.

Both of us want to be together. I instantly forgave him when he told me and I understand why he did it. I had similar feelings. He acted on his by cheating, I didn't and I feel I'm still being blamed.

I want us to move on. So does he. It is just hard when I feel blamed and keep thinking of answers I want.

Is it really time to ignore my niggles and fake it until we make it?

what is he saying or doing that suggests he might blame you or resent you?

No one is excusing his cheating.

That he wouldn't have done it if he didn't think I still loved my ex and hadn't felt second best to him (as well as two other issues. ) he says they are all connected. They aren't really but I know what he means.