Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

I feel very silly now . He said he wouldn't have cheated if he didn't think that ex was waiting in the wings to er you know.

I do feel guilty that I've still cared about someone when married to DH and there's been an element of feeling like I wish I'd been with my ex but through emotional reasons rather than I still really loved him.

I don't want to feel it's my fault as it turns out I didn't still love ex after all or have any desire to jump his bones. If both single I'd have definitely gone on a date but DH and I work better than I would now with ex. If we hadn't broken up and been too messed up to talk then maybe we'd have been fine.

He does say he doesn't blame me but it often has a but after it.

I've changed towards him since I told him and in some ways it's good, others not so much.

I'm seeing the difference between reasons and blame and it will help to think more like that. I will discuss it with DH. I want him to let it go as he was wrong about my ex and he says he can't just forget his feelings. I had told him more than ten years ago I wasn't sure if I still loved him and that still hurts but it hurts me too that nothing I have done or said since has wiped out the hurt feelings.

I have been on here long enough to feel influenced by people's posts and I'm confused as I don't know if I'm feeling what I would if it was just me in the world or if I'm thinking what I think I should .

going I think that given your situation you would really benefit from couples counselling. You seem to be stuck at the moment.
I can't remember if you've tried it?

Well, my situation is that the separation is now official. We have told our DC and families. We will have to live together until we can sell the house, but everything is amicable at the moment. Very surreal and keep having moments of overwhelming sadness at the situation. Still have those few moments every morning when I wake up, until I remember.

You will survive - and it will get better.

Faffa, I'm sorry that for now you are no longer approaching your future life as married to this man but I hope that now it has been decided it will free you to start a new phase in your life. You will be okay and we will be here to support and listen to you. Sorry we've kind of gate crashed your thread. Too scary to start my own .

DH and I haven't talked seriously about couples counselling but we will if we are stuck for too long.

He's agreed there are reasons for what he did but he isn't blaming me. He says he wants us to get past it but he doesn't want me thinking he is getting away with it. He knows he's done wrong and he shouldn't have done it. He says he's got past thinking I wanted my ex.

Part of it was not feeling good enough for DH and thinking well my ex used to love me..

She hasn't called him for over three weeks so hopefully she's accepted he doesn't want her.

BR, you have helped as has Faffa and another poster. Given I can't tell anyone in real life, other than a neighbour friend and a school mum friend, it has been invaluable. Thank you .

Thanks both

It is starting to feel quite odd at home. We aren't in the same bedroom, so that makes it a bit easier. But it is hard to know how to be around each other. We are being polite, haven't argued at all. He's told his parents we are separating but not the reason - part of me feels cheated by that, that he should take the blame for it. I haven't told mine yet as they are on holiday - I'm not sure what I'll tell them.

I'm still wearing my wedding ring, but it seems wrong.

I think I may need to start a new thread if I need to rant or get advice on this new stage.

I was the one to tell my PIL what DH had done as I needed them to take the children immediately.

He is being a twat for not telling them and I'd be tempted to tell him he has to or you will.

I'm also feeling polite and on edge with DH. It's crap, isn't it?

DH actions have also turned me into someone I don't like in some ways.

Just bollocked him as DD is struggling and I can't help wondering if she's known all along but I've pointed out how much worse things would be for her if I'd kicked him out, somehow I'd have made it worse after his crappy actions .

She's 12 and she doesn't know. We talked last night and I could tell she was telling the truth.

It would be worse for her if I'd kicked him out, I.e. I have to ignore any feelings I might have had for our children so he gets let off again.

How you can manage within him seeing her I don't know. Has she accepted it is over?

The she here threatened to buy the house next door...

I'm happy either way. Don't want to pressure you to share more this you are happy with.

The OW is being divorced by her husband.