Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

It is just shit isn't it?

Enjoy your chocolate

It is.

I've eaten two bars. Oops. The first was crap so...

I'm utterly shattered. Don't know what to do. Feeling fed up. Don't feel I'm being a good mum at the moment .

Brexit fears have now added to the confusion. We've had our house valued with a view to getting it sold, but is anyone going to want to buy now? And can I get a mortgage to buy my own place?!

Please don't worry. I suspect everyone is panicking too quickly. Nothing is going to change for a long time. Go talk to the bank about your mortgage. No point worrying unnecessarily and also if you can't get a mortgage just yet you can see what your other options are.

Tough day here but it's a middle of things.

In other news my little cat is being very cute, and naughty, using the pile of DS1's clothes as a pillow for her nap.

I am totally remain and am shocked by the result.
As are many others.
It's the shock that will affect things in the short term.
It's knee jerk reactions.
Things will start to settle.
They may not go back to where we were but that might be better for you.
You can't predict so try not to panic about it all just yet.

I'd just get rid of him now op.

Muddle not middle.

Oh God, the 'person who has hurt me more than anyone else ever could is also the only person I want to turn to for comfort' dilemma. It's a horrible one. I am there myself at the moment. Still living with ExP, pregnant with his child, and allowing my emotions to be controlled by his like a puppet on a string.

I'm a year down the line and still living with him. I kept sleeping with him and fell pregnant. I think he's still seeing the OW, though he won't be honest with me, and it breaks my heart. With the baby on the way I don't see how I will ever get over him. I'm as heartbroken today as I was a year ago (to the day, as it happens) when I found out. Even more so, in fact.

Don't be me. Get out while you can and get a clean break. Look after youself. Get into counselling. Put yourself back together. And don't fall for his lies.

TLRH - I can feel your emotions through your post. If it makes you feel better it took me many years to get over someone and accept we wouldn't be together. What is really embarrassing is we both married in that time and didn't see each other more than three times in those years . I'm much worse than you, probably much older than you and felt so so stupid. I'm realising that it was more about me than feelings for him but oh dear, all those years wasted and now I'm paying the price part of the reason DH had the affair.

going - cats are great aren't they? They don't let you down. I find giving ours a cuddle makes me feel a little better.

redhead - sorry to hear things aren't going well for you I do need to stick to my decision to get out, it's tough to give up my usual default of being a pushover.

I got drawn into the brexit panic this morning and envisaged us never being able to move and having to live together (but apart) for ever. Hopefully things will settle down. Fortunately I should be able to get somewhere with only a small mortgage, which online calculators say I will be able to get (even on a fairly low, part time salary). But I do need to speak to someone to get that confirmed.
I could get somewhere without a mortgage, but it would be in the back end of shitsville.

These two are cats 2&3 for me. I lost my first ever cat that was mine three years ago when she was almost 19. Still miss her. Twice this week called girl cat her name .

Your later post has reminded me I need to ask DH something. I'm all turmoiled today. I know that's not a word. Shucks.

Aw bless, we lost our old cat just over a year ago. We have 2 now, the youngster is bonkers and very entertaining.

Turmoiled sums it up well

It's also setting my asthma off whenever I'm stressed.

Be careful with that goingtobe

I'm going through a really bad time again. Cried a lot yesterday and already cried this morning. If I'm not keeping myself busy I think too much about what he's done and I feel devastated all over again. Also can't see any good in my future. Feels like my whole life is permanently fucked up

I will. It's scary and also fucks me off that his actions are affecting my health too.

Keeping busy does help so try and do that but make sure you have time for fun business too. Pedicure, hair cut, bake a cake he doesn tlike or one he does and don't share don't make it all chores.

Right now it feels impossible. I'm three months down the line and sometimes feel worse than the day he told me. Him laid reading the paper can piss me off. I don't want him sad but I don't want him too happy either . But it will get better and being practical might help with that.

We were talking about the practicalities of separating today and he seemed so calm about it as if it were normal. We think we'll tell DCS tomorrow.

He's staying at a friends tonight. I'm in pieces. I can't believe it's going to be over. It's ridiculous that I still love him after all that he's done - effectively emotional abuse for many years - lies, affair, emotional affair, shutting me out. Why don't I hate him?? I need reassurance now that this is the best way. It helped when I spoke to the counsellor, she helped me see it all so clearly. Now it's muddled again.

I'm sorry things are so difficult. You will be better off without this man though, really you will. Could you see a counsellor again, alone?

I don't have another appointment booked with the counsellor but could go back - it is just the cost that is the problem. We have very little income at the moment and need to be very careful.

She identified a recurring pattern of behaviour where I panic, then try to reassure us both that we can put 'x' behind us and move on. Never actually dealing with x. She used the analogy of me putting it all in a box, and that the box is now full.

I took that approach when I first found out about the affair but subsequently realised the 'box was full'. Feels like I'm slipping back to panic mode again. I've been crying so much the past few days - tears uncontrollably pouring down my face.

She could also see that I have a fear of being alone and that no one would ever want me as I believe I'm not good enough.

I'm sorry I haven't the words faffa. I've drunk loads Tonight and rarely do so....but I'm still sending you warm wishes and strength.

The future looks so scary. Leaving our home to live somewhere new, but not as nice. Very little money. Very lonely.

All my dreams gone.

Thanks for your kind wishes

The box isn't just full, the contents have been emptied over my head