When red flags aren't really red

[Hiphopopotamus]

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

Well I actually sort of agree with you. I do find people on here are looking for red flags like mad semaphore enthusiasts! And sometimes it can just be another person being a dick or a bit thoughtless without being an abuser.

However you examples are red flags in my mind!

I've been there too.

It took me 20 years to realise it's not out of concern and it's not out of love.

Two questions I would want answered before I decide it is not red flags, OP:

a) are you allowed to have equal power over what he does or does not do?

b) what happens if you say "actually, I like this top and really want to wear it" or "I would prefer it if I didn't have to keep you up to date this weekend"? Is he all right with that or does he sulk/become unpleasant?

I have equal power over him. If I didn't want him to see a certain person or dress a certain way, he'd respect that.

Yes he does control how I look. I identify with the poster who talked about makeup - my DP doesn't like me to wear any makeup. He also likes my hair in a certain way. And I'm ok with both of these things.

I shouldn't have posted - I see that now. I'm sorry

Power is a strange choice of words.

You are in a relationship with an arsehole. You both have a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.

Those that say that shouldn't have posted - it's usually because sometimes it hurts to hear a few hard home truths. I mean that kindly believe it or not.

If you're happy having how you dress, make up, how you have your hair, that's up to you.

I meant ... how you dress, no make up, how you wear your hair, dictated by your DH, that's up to you. It really really wouldn't suit me but it's your choice.

I have equal power over him. If I didn't want him to see a certain person or dress a certain way, he'd respect that.
Do you ever tell him to, though?

You've had a lot of replies. It's worth reading them through and thinking about it.

Before you walk down the aisle.

I'm actually really glad you posted. I hope you leave with the idea to consider if it really is ok.

Honestly your latest update is really worrying

Nobody should have 'power' over anyone

Nobody belongs to anyone - slavery is illegal

You've not answered (I suspect because you're afraid if the answers yourself) what you think would happen if you

Didn't answer your phone/text within the prescribed times/conditions

Wore something he didn't like against his wishes

I mean he controls how you wear your hair FFs and you're not even living together yet!

You've not answered what folk who care about you other than him think-are you afraid to discuss it with them? Afraid they'll be worried for you?

Plus you won't say what the several other possible red flags are.

How does he feel about you having male friends? Working with men? Going on nights out without him eg clubbing?

Whoa 'if I asked him not to see a certain person' has he asked you to do this?

The only time I would consider this remotely ok would be if this person were dangerous to your health, or someone you'd cheated on him with (and even then it's dubious)

Hiphop,

I'm sorry: he's not this way because he loves you. If he loved you, he'd love you as you are! He has an image of you in his head and he is getting you to conform to that.

You are not a person to him, with thoughts, feelings, ideas and rights. You are the image in his head that you will turn yourself inside out trying to become, trying to be 'perfect'. And you will fail. Because it's not you.

Please read the thread and think About what people have said.

The OP clearly thinks this kind of behaviour is normal. I don't think anyone on here is going to convince her otherwise.

We'll just have to hope she comes to her senses in time, before the controlling behaviour turns to emotional,financial and physical abuse.

Why doesn't he like you wearing make up?

That's one of the absolute classic, stereotypical controlling things.

they usually use the line 'you look better without it' but unless you apply it like Robert Smith circa 1994 then that's unlikely to be true. What it means is he doesn't want you going out 'provocative' or 'tarted up'because then other men might come sniffing around what he regards as his property

Is he religious by any chance?

Op, I mean this only kindly. He's controlling. You do not control him. It's probably something you tell yourself to rationalise the nagging doubts you have. This is not a nice man. Please, please don't move in with him or marry him. I would put money on the following happening if you do:

He will gradually cut you off from friends. It'll be subtle at first, but you'll end up totally isolated. There will be sulking if you go out.
He will reduce the contact you have with your family
He may insist on children quickly
When you're pregnant, that's when the violence starts. Verbal at first. Then inanimate objects. He can't help it you see, if you'd just not provoke him... One day you'll be out and say something perfectly innocent and platonic to a bloke. He will have a major, major strop
He will control money
He is likely to insist you become a sahm, he will take care of you! No need to worry about money any more. Or going out to work where you might talk to other men.

Or, you could stop this in its tracks now.

I missed that baconyum - It sounds like he has asked that.

I wonder if there are already things that 'crop up' when the OP is due to go out without him that delay her or mean it would be difficult for her to continue with her plans.

I wonder how often she decides to spend a quiet night in with him afterall because it's just easier.

He says he would respect it if you asked him not to wear certain things etc, but words are cheap. Have you ever put it into practice?

Relationships aren't about power. They are about love, kindness, support and fun. No one should ever have 'power' over another adult.

Have you ever told him what to wear? Insist that he contactable st all times? If not, why not?

You disrespect yourself by allowing someone to control you in this way. You were born an autonomous being with your own brain, ability to make choices, preferences, etc. Why would you let someone else stifle you with thinly veiled comments about "what they'd prefer."
What if you said you were going to wear make-up and your chosen dress anyway? Would he say "ok, dear" and drop it? Like fuck.

I shouldn't have posted - I see that now. I'm sorry

Don't be sorry, I'm glad you posted. Because the next time he's getting 'worried' because you didn't text him back quick enough, or your hiding a new dress at the back of the wardrobe because you know how he'll react when he's sees it, the things people have said on this thread will niggle at you, and one day you'll see it's not right.

I wish someone had the done the same for me 20 years ago.

I can only imagine what would happen if i asked my Gf not to wear something that i thought revealing,
the words Fuck, Tosser and You would likely figure prominently in her response.

I don't understand why either of you has to control the other. The fact that you both control each other equally doesn't make it any more ok.

Does he tell you what to vote ?

You've not answered (I suspect because you're afraid if the answers yourself) what you think would happen if you

Didn't answer your phone/text within the prescribed times/conditions

Wore something he didn't like against his wishes

You've not answered what folk who care about you other than him think-are you afraid to discuss it with them? Afraid they'll be worried for you? Plus you won't say what the several other possible red flags are. How does he feel about you having male friends? Working with men? Going on nights out without him eg clubbing?

I think baconyum's questions are worth repeating.

Please don't be sorry op. I think this thread may help others even if it doesn't apply to you. But as poptplant says maybe this thread will have opened your eyes a little and now you may notice things which you've never even considered before as not being quite right. Even if you don't think it applies to you, please don't dismiss it. Re-read it, perhaps print it out and just re-read it every so often - just in case. As every one has said it just creeps up on you without you realising. You are lucky and can benefit from everyone elses hindsight. If there is truly nothing to worry about as you think, then it will just remind you how good your relationship actually is.