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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When red flags aren't really red

369 replies

Hiphopopotamus · 31/05/2016 19:32

Hi everyone. Been reading a lot on here about red flags and abusive relationships. I was wondering if anyone else was in the same position as me - where things taken out of context look bad, but are actually part of a good relationship. I just find it a bit worrying when sometimes these types of things come up, and everyone automatically assumes that the relationship is awful.

Contact - my DP expects me to stay in contact with him unless I've told him I'm going to be busy. He has no issue if I genuinely can't talk but he will worry if I don't respond within the hour if I haven't told him I'll be busy.

He tells me what I can and can't wear - or rather, he tells me what he'd prefer. He doesn't like me wearing anything revealing in public so out of respect for him, I don't.

There are quite a few more things like this, but hopefully you get the general gist. Our relationship is loving, kind and supportive, despite some things that could easily be picked up as being 'red flags'. Can anyone else identity with this.

OP posts:
DrowningInWallStickers · 01/06/2016 10:55

Summerwalking been in my relationship since before 50 shades and that book is a lot more harmful than it seems. 50 shades is nothing like a proper relationship built on trust and respect. And trust me if you want a true relationship like that you become friends and partners first. It is NEVER advisable to jump head first into D/s or bdsm (incidentally D/s and bdsm are not the same). And you don't need belts or whips or whatever the heck they talk about in those books to have a D/s relationship either. Hell would freeze over before my dp ever raised his hands or anything else to me.

DrowningInWallStickers · 01/06/2016 10:58

And also, I'm quite happy for him to be in 'control'. So it's what I want and I get what I want, so think that answers your question.

dowhatnow · 01/06/2016 10:58

Oh god, I forgot 50 shades of shit. I came out of that cinema horrified at the message that was giving youngsters. She should so have told him where to go after the first date.
Sex fine if two consenting adults but not in the rest of the relationship.

PirateFairy45 · 01/06/2016 10:58

My DH likes to know where I am. As do I with him. That is because he's been in a few accidents (1 life threatening, 3 serious and 3 minor) and I worry myself sick of I can't get hold of him.

DistanceCall · 01/06/2016 10:59

And I was also thinking about D/s relationships, where there is a (sometimes rather strong) degree of control of one partner over the other.

As Drowning has explained above, this type of relationship (properly done) is strictly consensual, and the parties involved discuss the relationship on a very regular basis to check that everyone is happy. In fact, some D/s couples I know are among the most self-aware and emotionally healthy people you could imagine. (And yes, 50 shades is complete crap - someone who turns up in your bedroom unannounced because "he is worried about you" is not a dominant, he's a creep and a stalker).

BUT this is not the case here. The OP hasn't discussed her wishes and needs with her partner. She's only concerned about not "disrespecting" him. This is not D/s, this is potentially abuse.

seeyounearertime · 01/06/2016 11:00

Summer

i think you'r missng the point of a Dom / sub relationship TBH.
It's easy to think,
"well the man just gets to boss about the woman and she has no choice" etc etc,
but ultimately the reverse is usually true. in a proper D/s relationship, i'm hoping Drowning will somewhat agree, the "power" actually resides in the sub. its them that decides when it ends, it's them that decides how far it goes, it's them that say when / what / with who etc. Obviously it's far more subtle than that but the whole basis is giving control to someone whilst remaining in control to remove that permission.
which is totally different o an abusive relationship where permission for control was never given or was coerced.

DrowningInWallStickers · 01/06/2016 11:03

Exactly Distance she's not consented to any of it nor said she's discussed it, unless that happens and both parties are comfortable then it's not a healthy relationship. Red flags will always be red flags unless both parties have come to an agreement they're happy with.

ptumbi · 01/06/2016 11:05

Don't know how we got onto D/Sub....

But anyway - OP my DP texts at 1pm but if I miss the text (yesterday was driving) or am busy, at 2pm he will text again to say 'ok you must be busy, call you later'.

He wouldn't profess to be 'worried about me' or 'care so much that he would have to know where I was'....

That doesn't mean he doesn't care, or if I was driving, that he wouldn't worry. It means that I'm too busy.

Thurlow · 01/06/2016 11:06

Having to say "he doesn't hit me" and thinking that is a good thing really, really isn't. The fact that it has even crossed your mind...

On the clothes front, there's two different ways of people approaching this. The normal way is for one person to express a general liking of certain clothes - "dresses really suit you" or "that's a lovely colour on you, I like it a lot." The controlling way is "I only like you wearing dresses because they look better than trousers" or "don't wear red, it's not a good colour on you."

And then no be pissed off or react badly if you pay absolutely no attention to their preferences at all.

Can you not see the difference?

Summerwalking16 · 01/06/2016 11:07

Seeyounearer still bollocks GrinHmm

DistanceCall · 01/06/2016 11:09

We got onto D/s because it makes it clear that there isn't a one-size-fits-all model for relationships, and D/s relationships illustrate that some people are very happy with interactions that other people would find oppressive or even disgusting.

The point is that practically anything goes in a relationship PROVIDED that both parties freely agree to it, discuss it, and enjoy it. And this doesn't seem to be the case in the OP's relationship with her partner.

DrowningInWallStickers · 01/06/2016 11:10

seeyou you're exactly right. My dp, even if he is my dominant, would never say "this is what's happening and you've no choice." If he wants something we talk (the same if I want something) but ultimately whether or not we do it is down to me. He may have the 'control' but would never force me into something. He's a very loving and affectionate person and if someone was to call him abusive or say that our relationship was skewered towards him he would laugh, at the end of the day it's me that decides if I am happy with something or not and if I'm not we simply don't do it (Or if it's me who wants something and he's not happy with it we don't do it either). I've always got the option of ending the D/s part of our relationship too, we were in a good relationship before we progressed to this and we would be happy with each other even without that aspect of it.

Respect for the other person is a big thing, the way it is in every relationship. He respects me as a person and I respect him as a person. That's all there really is to it.

DaveCamoron · 01/06/2016 11:20

I'm sorry but he's a knob.

MistressDeeCee · 01/06/2016 11:28

Interesting

I think IF you are truly happy and comfortable in this relationship dynamic then thats fine. I wouldn't be. But I accept that many are the ways in which couples conduct their relationship, and it suits them perfectly even with imbalance. We don't know the half of it, really.

Roussette · 01/06/2016 11:48

FIS if you are happy not wearing make up and you feel just as good without it, that's fine. But if your DH not liking make up and not wanting you to wear it is not necessarily what you want, it is not fine.

Personally, I just don't get at all a man not wanting his DP to wear make up. To me, it means he doesn't want you to look attractive particularly in my case, as I would look like I was on my deathbed without it

The other day, I suggested my DH got his hair cut (his hair looks beyond awful when it gets beyond a certain point..) He got it cut and he looks very handsome to me now.... and I told him so. is this the same? Not sure.

dowhatnow · 01/06/2016 11:57

Rousette you wouldn't have given him a hard time if he hadn't immediately got his hair cut though. That's the difference.

Roussette · 01/06/2016 11:59

Yes true dowhat even though when it grows he looks like a throwback to the 80's - bleedin' awful!

FIS2016 · 01/06/2016 12:02

With us I don't wear makeup as I feel ok without it and he doesn't like it. On a night out I don't feel ok without it so I wear it even though my DH would prefer I didn't but respects my choice to wear it. If he refused to let me wear it, that would be a different matter.

BuunyChops · 01/06/2016 12:57

The thing is OP we get what you're trying to say. You're thinking of those little things that if your OH/DP/DH did it would drive you up the wall but other people not only tolerate in thier relationship but seem to see no issue.

For example my friends DP never ever calls her by name; she's Sweetheart/Darling/ Doll (??), until recently I think I heard him say her name once. This would drive me up the wall; but it doesn't bother her at all.

She hadn't even noticed it till I asked if it didn't annoy her; now she has she's decided she actually likes it. Big thing is; if she asked him to stop he would at least try; it came up in conversation, he hadn't realised that he did this and instantly offered to stop; which is when she realised she liked it.

I believe that's the type of thing you were thinking of; problem is the examples you gave aren't little quirks of either a person or a relationship; they are classic examples of the creep of controlling behaviour.

All your examples are of you changing or doing something the way he wants; my example was of a 2 way conversation; yours are all one way

And your comment of He's never ever hit me. How can it be wrong. is chilling

But I ask again: what conversation were you hoping to have?

People don't post when all is fine and dandy; unless it is a 'Oh Wow guess what happened today' in Chat.

Let's be honest most people either post to seek advice on a problem or vent, which did you want?

MidnightLullaby · 01/06/2016 13:04

Good post, BuunyChops

blindsider · 01/06/2016 13:17

Why do you sound like you need convincing??

PreAdvent13610 · 01/06/2016 13:18

DH would probably be a little Shock if I were to go out in this.
Is this the sort of style you naturally veer towards?

GingerIvy · 01/06/2016 13:22

PreAdvent you don't wear that to the supermarket to do the shop? Grin

PreAdvent13610 · 01/06/2016 13:26

Only to Waitrose, it would look out of place and revealing elsewhere.

PreAdvent13610 · 01/06/2016 13:35

The real point is unless OP has a very strange taste in clothes and really does go to the supermarket in something resembling a bikini, her DP should not control what she wears.