All dating gurus say don't chase a man, let him chase you. But there's a flaw in that plan

[Chatarunga]

.......nobody has ever approached me. No that's not quite true. Last year, a man 7 years younger than I am asked me out. I'll be told off for being a snob here but he was between jobs (and had been for a while) and he was a granddad at 37. On the plus side, he went every where on his bike so he wasn't completely unfit. So, to be 'open' I went for a coffee with him and he talked absolute shite for an hour. And that is it. In nearly a decade. I have had a few v short flings with people I met on courses or through a friend, but that is it. So if I sat around waiting for somebody to approach me a decade could pass.
Do you ask men out? Are you brave enough? How do you even know if they're single?
I can't wait another decade for another passing unemployed granddad on a bicycle to ask me out! I need to take control of my love life.

Food for thought, thedogdays, thank you.

So, you would never entertain thoughts in my case of a younger man being afraid of taking a risk with an older woman who he might have put on a pedestal? Disclaimer; I do NOT think I am a better person than he is! I do suspect there is a bit of a fantasy thing going on here though.

I'd be wary around a younger man. the last man I got close to, he was only three years younger than I am but he saw me as an 'older woman' whereas I saw him as a man my own age. I think it was a factor in the ridiculous half in half out time wasting place holding grey area he subjected me to. I think if he'd been a few years older than I am he would have VALUED me. But perhaps that's a fantasy.

ps, of course, it depends what you're looking for!
Having been inadvertently in a long line up of flings either because I figured out their flaws and walked away, or, because they only saw me as a fling, now what I'm so ready for is something real and lasting. But of course, if you want to go for it with the mechanic and let it play itself out, why not!

that's just not where I'm at now in my mid 40s with a life time of short relationships behind me. I'm ready to give and take now. Not just give. Or just take. I can't think of a better way of putting it. Now, off to my tai chi class

Grandad at 37??? How rude are you. Im that age and dont consider myself a grandma at all!!!!

thisistherighttime I like MH's advice too. It's just, you know, a lot of it revolves around walking away when your standards aren't met! NOBODY has ever met my standards and I 'm not hoping for anything I couldn't offer myself.

Also, a lot of MH's advice is forget about that guy! there are millions of guys out there! I think he underestimates how hard it is to find anybody you'd want to have a cup of tea with! never mind go out with, have a relationship with! but that's biology. Women's eggs more precious etc.. So women are going to struggle to find a single man they'd want to go for a cup of tea with. whereas MH coming from a male mindset where hardly any woman would be ruled out is more like, there are millions of the opposite sex out there!". He's riiiight, buuuuut.....

I asked my now husband out to group events. It worked eventually..

happyandsingle I mean he had a 19 year old son who had a baby.

Whilst honest words are always good to hear or read thedogdays I find you quite offensive. If this guy is just leading me by the pants why for Heaven's Sake does he leave me looking so completely flustered, with lowered eyes and blushing? He helps me out whenever he can and is always hugely respectful towards me. And how do you know that I'm not a good catch too? You are surmising that I have baggage instead of being a woman a man would be lucky to go out with. Furthermore, had you read my first post I made it fairly clear I was only after fun. A one night stand is exactly what I'm hoping for after a year of upheaval. I do not think he and I are going to ride off into the sunset. I think it's a shame to wish to reduce a flirting game into something demeaning and manipulative. I prefer to see atraction, on any level, as something beautiful. He's had his heart broken after a seven year relationship ending a few months ago. I seriously hope this game we're playing is helping him heal a little too.

I never want to be that cynical. Never.

Chatarunga, my husband was almost four years younger and we were married for 13 years. I don't think our pending divorce has anything to do with the age difference.

I think you'd have to go out with him to know if he just wanted to get in to your knickers. or not. Do you feel a rapport?! Asking him out is not ''giving him the green light'' imo. I do see what dogdays is saying and I only wish men approached me so I could just sit and wait. But I am going to need to be a little bit more pro-active than that myself. I did end up up the duff by a loser though. That was a long time ago now though and I'm not sure I'd get married now. Never say never but it's not my goal here. I'm not thinking like that.

The 'younger man' I became close to recently approached me initially, when I would have identified that he wasn't a good candidate to ask out, seeing as he had no dc and I did. He left me feeling used but used for a relationship so that one was a first for me!
He just didn't see me as a long term prospect even though he initially instigated things..

thisistherighttime I believe that. I think with that guy who I call the younger man on this thread anyway, it was more that he didn't have dc and I did. so if we'd both been in our 30s rather than both of us in our 40s it wouldn't have been a factor I guess. He just didn't 'feel' it at the end of the day. But even so, I do feel like it's another lesson learnt.
I won't be going out with any more men who have no children if they are still young enough to date a 'fertile woman' (blunt, but a lot of men my age without kids are still walking that line - will it happen? and it miiiight, or it mightn't)

i'm sorry if you found my post offensive, I apologise, but like I said I take no pleasure in it, only that I've been a love zombie all my life, construing situations around long looks. I am trying to make you see the situation from his point of view, he is a much younger guy who knows you are going through a divorce situation, and as way back as March still not asked you out. Yes he might act respectful, and he might well ask you out but if he does there is no basis on which to build a fairytale romance, he might see you as a punt worth getting a shag out of, and you can see it as beautifully as you want. He leaves you looking flustered, why would he do that? Because he enjoys the attention. I have said nowhere that you are not a good catch, but the likelihood of you being seen as a good catch by someone much younger than you who has no children and is single is way low. I'm sorry but you seem to be feeding the situation a bit with your imagination. I have done it before myself, this is not an attack. The stark reality is he has not asked you out and I doubt he ever will. You will not get a more real piece of advice, but please feel free to disregard it, I am after all a stranger on the Internet and that is your right.

FWIW Chatarunga, I have no intention of asking this guy out. I've never ever asked one out in the past although I've been a tad guilty of orchestrating a situation in which a man can make a move. I claimed he's gorgeous. Yes, to me he us. I beleve physically speaking we are equals. I also believe thedogdays is demeaning all lighthearted and fun relationships which happen all the time between older women and younger men. I have three children and I've had longterm relationships behind me. This new phase of my life is about fun and frivolity. God knows I've proved how responsible I am in other spheres of life.

I am very sorry, I really am. I do not mean to hurt you. I just think a dash of reality would be useful. I have replied because I see the trap you are walking into very clearly and I don't want that for you. Please at least don't ask him out. There is really no harm in waiting.

Ok I hear you but please be careful because getting your heart broken by some young idiot with his brain in his crotch is not fun and frivolity, as much as you would like to think it is right now. I wish you well.

Ok I see that you are not intending to ask him out, sorry.

I'll be the first to report back thedogdays to say that you were right, if you are right. I didn't say I was left flustered. My sentence was not clear, granted. HE'S the one who leaves completely flustered. He can barely meet my gaze, reaches out to hold my hand and blushes. He finds every pretext to come round to my home alone instead of with his boss as is usual protocol. He drops things and trips over his words. Unless my body language is betraying me (it probably is) I've not until our last two times together responded to his advances.

He may well never ask me out thedogdays. Who cares? He's done me so much good especially as he's done it with respect. Meanwhile, thanks to him, I've opened up once more and have been invited out by other men. It's all good.

Well you know, if you can handle a roll in the hay with someone and not be afraid to do that, if strings don't need to be attached, if that is what you want I say go for it then. You know yourself more than I do.
I can't have stringless sex but that is just me. I can't speak for you love. Good luck and enjoy!

good for you girl, sincerely, I hope you have a really great time.

I'm in my midforties too thedogdays and gave plenty of reasons to be cynical but plenty more to not be. I choose to see this mutual attraction as something lovely...even if I know that it won't add up to much in the end. Reality is good but I suspect sadly your words express the disappointment you've endured in the past. I know my worth and I know I am a bit daft when in lust. Who cares? It's fun!

Yeah they sure do reflect my disappointment, at my own naïveté and reluctance to listen to my own higher reason, before I got totally muellered by some unworthy idiot. However, I'm not in the least bit cynical as a result, I had a right old word with myself in the two years I was completely single before I met my husband, and thought, I cannot be fkin arsed to ask anybody out, I really cannot be bothered, if they don't speak up then truly, they missed a good thing. I think the absence of desperation made me attract a genuinely good guy, who I was very keen just to be friends with for 14 months. I own my disappointment though. I'm not ashamed of any of it. I just know a thing or two about it as a result. I was sick of lazy men not making an effort and I surmised if they didn't speak up at the beginning, the most important request, then they wouldn't be helping you take out the bins at midnight later on. 25 years of being the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results, said I needed to try something else.

I hear the wisdom of your words thedogdays and it's good we've been able to express our differences of opinion and hear each other out.

Funnily, he was offering to take my bins out the other evening...

... not the sexiest of moves...

Dating Gurus = Shit Peddlers.

If someone likes somebody then they should just let them know, rather than waste time sitting around wondering about what's going on and what the person might be thinking and "do they like me" and "are they giving me postive signs," etc, etc...