You cannot communicate with batshit

[Pingpang]

Following on from a recent thread regarding those who are NC/LC with family members.

Welcome to the good ship Narcymcnarcface! The bar is stocked and there's a seat for everyone. Shuffleboard starts in 20 mins.

Merd I constantly doubt my memory, specially under stress, but don't think that's the same thing. IDK. I've always worked a bit funny in that I am good at forgetting things once they're over - work and stuff - I'll check it's finished, file it all so I can find it again, and then put it out of my mind. I'm always in awe of those people who can go "oh we had this issue back in 1984, I remember what we did was" and then furnish you the full details. I think because of the abuse and the gaslighting, and therefore not trusting my memory, I learned as a workaround to record everything well and that's like my primary source. A few years ago I was doing a job where you needed near-perfect recall of stuff in real time and I thought it would kill me but I was amazed to discover that my memory is almost always right. I still like to check though!

I'm getting one of those weird tingly moments about Behind the Scenes. My boss of like 10 years ago recommended it to me, and I read it, and liked it, but I never recognised the mother as being toxic.

toomuchtooold

I'm similar at work, I hate when people ask me to re-call past events on the spot, I like to go away and go back through the documents so that I can check the facts, and then get back to them - I'ld rather not trust the subjectivity of memory, even though there's technically nothing wrong with my memory.

Interesting - I'll order it and see how much I can stomach

I work in a very creative role and have to keep emails and project planners as otherwise I'd forget everything. I really do worry sometimes when someone else can't remember a conversation that I've invented it so sometimes email myself too after meetings as "proof"! (Not that I'd be bonkers enough to wave it in their face but you know what I mean).

merd I do the exact same thing, I always get email confirmation and keep it as a record of what's agreed/discussed I don't trust people not to twist things.

My wedding was epic in terms of DM and DGM misbehaving! I hate attention and wanted to have the least amount of fuss as possible sooooo obviously DM went out of her way to do the opposite.

Tried to cause problems with my dad by getting me to uninvite him and SM.

Party the night before that didn't finish until midnight when I had to be up at 6 am, made food for everyone there but didn't cater for my food allergies or tell me she wasn't so I had a tiny turkey roll all night

Invited the whole family and her friends to leave from her house with me the morning of the wedding even when I'd repeatedly told her no.

The morning of the wedding she woke me up 30 minutes before my alarm by walking in switching on the light and telling me to "get up" my 2 bridesmaids got tea in bed and one of them woke up with her stroking her face

Then she refused to help me get dressed just got herself ready and sulked, cried in the car on the way to the ceremony because I didn't tell her she looked nice in her outfit?! She didn't tell me I looked nice either...

sulked all day and hardly spoke to me apart from for pictures!

She also told everyone I was acting like a total bridezilla, we had a religious blessing for dh after our civil ceremony and while I was getting changed she was telling everyone I was goingto call it off because I was going ape shit, dh ran up to the hotel room to find me calmly but firmly asking people to start moving down stairs so we could start the blessing as we were over running by an hour on timings for the day. My aunt still says about me being all bridezilla as if it's a joke makes me want to cry, god knows what our friends think of me

Then the morning after she had a huge meltdown in the car park of the hotel in front of half our guests about how hard she'd being trying but I was a horrible horrible person who had been unbareable then drop off leaving me, dh, 2 bridesmaids our puppy with all our luggage and our wedding outfits to get home in a Toyota yaris

When we finally got back to her house she refused to speak to me spent 2 hours telling dh and bridesmaids what an ungrateful spiteful bitch of a daughter I am and had barely spoken to me since that was 2 1/2 years ago although she spends all her time telling people she doesn't know what she's done and why I refuse to speak to her?!

I spent the week after my wedding in tears poor dh wedding and honeymoon was ruined as I still can't look at the photos and have very few happy memories of the day

I've probably outed myself there but I'm preparing for nuclear fall out of us maintaining NC after SF's call this weekend so I'm a bit meh about the whole thing!

Sorry for the essay/rant! I feel better now though!

Is it time for afternoon tea?

Oh fuzzy. I'm rushing to do a big pitch now but big hug from me. And a special huge slice of (from the Captain's table no less) for the afternoon tea.

Jeez Fuzzy - that's epicly bad behaviour. :( So sorry you had to put up with that bollocks.

I was branded a bridezilla too.

I'm really not, I would have happily eloped but that would have caused even more problems!

One of the suppliers was a friend of mine. My mother contacted her and said that I wasn't happy with X,Y& Z and he needed to change it all because I had very exact instructions. I had NO knowledge of this being said until years later when I heard that my wedding was one of the most stressful one's he'ld ever done because of my very exact and hard to source requirements. And he laughed about me being a bridezilla

it's one of those situations where if you protest it you just make yourself look worse though

For the record I am and always was of the POV that so long as everyone's well fed and the legal bit is done, it's a good wedding!

My mother was the hostess with the mostess on the day, she had a better time than I did!

all over my bridesmaids and friends, but not a word to me, didn't help me with my dress or anything

When we met with the photographer afterwards she apologised for "missing" out a candid pic of me and my mum on the day, she was mortified and offered to give us a free mother-daughter photoshoot to make up for it. I told her it wasn't necessary, she didn't "miss" any warm moments between me and my mum on the day because there weren't any!

Thanks for your welcome, feeling quite emotional, but thank you.

I never married my LTP when I was younger as I simply could not have coped with my narc mother (I was the scapegoat child) and the thought of arranging a wedding in my home town.

I'm so sorry that she wrecked that all for you Fuzzy. God I wish I could explain about my wedding day. I've had utter hysterics about it since with friends who were baffled by parts of it.

The allergy thing's an interesting one isn't it? My mum's convinced I made mine up for attention (because that's the sort of thing she'd do) and periodically likes to test me. God I wish I was just making stuff up. It's like when I'm ill and I have to end up apologising to everyone and saying "I really am sick, honest, here are all my revolting symptoms", even if they aren't remotely interested - because she used to get so cross and tell me I was faking. Sometimes I wondered if I was! People at work must think I'm just skiving sometimes as I'll still check emails on sick days if I can so as not to be a bother...

If I'm feeling unwell my mother gets angry, she somehow takes it personally, if I pleeded with her to please give me a break because I'm ill, she'ld spit "I'M SICK TOO" at me!

crazy

On a slightly lighter note, Made in Chelsea anyone?
Aliks dad gets my batshit radar bleeping, but in a GC sort of way:
Alik slaves away for his dad for years and years being the good son.. gets an English girlfriend and moves to UK to make it work, suddenly Aliks dad says "I need you to take over the company RIGHT NOW, now is the time.. after all these years.. I've decided you need to come back to work up to taking it over from me"… then he's all "you need to give her an ultimatum" and generally fucks it up.
Until.. she's had enough and she breaks up with him, now Aliks dad is all "you gotta make it work, fuck the business, go to england, do what you've got to do for true love" - knowing it's already too late but now he gets to pontificate about how he was the one who encouraged Alik to make it work

Is it just me?

Ah my wedding...

My father is generally the most batshit out of the 4 parents I was dealing with re this yet he was actually an ally several times (I know I was shocked too).

Mother wanted to invite cousins (2nd 3rd ... 10th!) that even SHE hadn't been in touch with for over 20 years! That I'd never met! Every decision 'wasn't traditional' - it was actually very traditional.

Mil - didn't feel involved enough (partly now ex's fault as he barely told her anything but 'it's all in hand') her answer to this was regularly threatening not to come as she was 'too ill with all the stress it's causing'

Fil - 'waste of money, just elope, nobody should get married anyway it's just a con by women to get blokes money when they split' 'why are there so many guests' because I'm from a large catholic family - that was a dig from him.

It was actually a great day shame the marriage was shit

Hi everyone, I'm truly shit at joining in or being included so can I sit in the crows nest please?

Finding all this really triggering yet truthful too - which is I guess why it's triggering, somewhat circular there sorry!

I'm going to see the counsellor tomorrow. She's good.

But I'm in a right mess, following the awful meeting last week that I wrote about on thread one, with the woman who's being like the stuff we talk about on here. I'm really struggling to hold it together and doing all the stuff I do when I'm closing down bit by bit.

I'm too scared to open my post as I can see there are nasty ones in there, and I'm too scared to open my computer to start working for the same kind of reasons. Too scared to try and get a GP appointment, I'm scared of picking up the phone.

I'm just closing down slowly and I can't as everything relies on me so me & DS only have me to keep everything going. F*ck I'm a mess. Why can't I just be a proper person.

Misc you ARE a proper person especially to your son.

Who is the person that is a problem? If you want to tell us?

Don't know where to start. Someone abusing her power and proving abusive people don't always turn it off out of their family.

I find myself ill equipped to deal with it as like the other posters on here have had a not very nice childhood (understatement) with a very cruel and abusive mother and a father who I idolised at the time but now can see made himself absent from it a lot, and left his children in hell rather than protecting us.

And a lot of other awful stuff been happening over the years which have left me broken and basically that the most whiney person on mumsnet ever.

Misc

First things first: remember that you can get through this, you really can - you know what she is and what she's doing but you've survived her sort before and will again.

Second, all you ever have to do at one point is get through the next minute. When I feel extra sick and panicky, I sometimes find that slow deep breathing can help but I can't regulate it myself at first so I have an free app on my phone which guides me called "breathe2relax". It might be worth a try?

Perhaps the doctor's appointment is the first thing to tackle tomorrow morning. Imagine that it was your little boy who needed the doctor's appointment - I bet you'd battle like a lioness to get him there. Your own little inner-child needs you to be the same parent to her right now - and you totally can do it.

Is there anything we can do to help? Do you want to live-Mumsnet as you open the mail (a bit like live-tweeting) so we can give you a virtual handhold or something? Could even go OTBT temporarily if you're worried about something being recorded online...

X-post ... I told myself off an hour ago for "whining" again. And then I thought fuck it, that's part of the "my needs don't matter" delusion, which is as destructive as the "my needs matter most" delusion! (Don't think of it as whining is what I mean)

It's not whining - it's expressing yourself to find healing

misc - please stop letting your mother's opinion of you rule you! you are NOT whining, you are CERTAINLY not the "most whiny person on MN" - that's your mother's voice you're hearing.

I am worried though - I understand your fear of action but I think making a GP appt at the very least would be a good idea - glad you're going to see your counsellor, hopefully she will be able to halt the shutdown process at least, and support you in making decisions you need to.

I think that your work situation is insupportable as it stands and something must be done - but what, I just don't know! I think we've talked before about unions before, and iirc it's not an option for you - what about going to the MD or something? Or is that a (many) step too far?

Weddings - mine was done at very short notice (7w) which reduced the batshittery. I invited my parents to come and view the venue but for some reason or other they failed to make the appt (can't remember why, I think they got the time wrong). However, it didn't really bother me - I was doing it to be inclusive. As it turned out, Mum never saw the venue at all - by the time we got married she was in hospital and she decided not to come out for the day. I felt really badly guilty that I was actually glad she wasn't there to somehow make it all about her (which happened a bit at my sister's wedding), and also because it freed my Dad to have a really good time. He had a ball!
I'd also made the decision that, against tradition, all the invitations would be from me and DH, not my parents. The reason for this was the unwanted, loathed but "must be invited because they're family" relatives - I was damned if I was going to pay out money to feed and entertain the shitbags! But Mum still tried to put the guilt on me, saying that they would hold it against her - I said no way, and she could turn it off by saying I'd done it all myself so it was all my fault. She also offered me money towards the wedding costs, which I had to refuse because I knew she'd use it as a bartering tool and insist on these relatives being invited.
I still feel guilty that I was pleased she wasn't there. But in all honesty she couldn't have come - and we went to see her in the hospital, which I'm glad about - she was too ill and died not long afterwards.

Misc do you mean physical post? Letters? If so, take them and give them to the counsellor, she can see them and help you see them for what they are.

Frighteningly I think I can do the same - I'm always worried I'm rewriting memories and often check with DH. I have a fucking atrocious memory sometimes. Anyone else have that at all?

Constantly, it worries me a bit, especially when others tell me they remember detail. I seem to regularly empty out non useful/unhappy memories. It's weird, especially when friends tell me about incidents from childhood and I have no clue. Bizarre.

misc IMO it's usually the people who say they "can't" speak to their GP who need their GP the most. They might be able to get you signed off from work for a while, and in that time you could communicate with work to get some resolution?

I think my functional short term memory is fine, I just prefer not to rely on it

But there are a couple of very specific years of early childhood that are gone. I can't remember being those ages. I don't mean baby ages I mean some of the primary school ones.

I don't think they were happy times but other than that? fuck knows?
quite scary actually.