You cannot communicate with batshit

[Pingpang]

Following on from a recent thread regarding those who are NC/LC with family members.

Welcome to the good ship Narcymcnarcface! The bar is stocked and there's a seat for everyone. Shuffleboard starts in 20 mins.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

I don't think there are any coping mechanisms as such, either you learn to take it and just learn not to care, or you don't take it.

[GarlicSteak]

I'm going to nominate the many forms of Garlic for a special first days sailing prize

Thanks, Cap'n! My garlicy friends and I are honoured to accept this case of champagne and distribute it amongst the passengers & crew. May I suggest a "Hit the flying monkey with a bottle" game? After emptying the bottle, of course.

[blueskyinmarch]

I appear to have managed to pocket post on this thread. Please ignore me!

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

money was a feature in my family too

things would be okay, we'ld be offered some money for something, and then the claws would come out but we wouldn't feel able to speak up because we were indebted for the thing that being paid for.

I feel that money was used as a way to make us a captive audience to however badly she wanted to behave.

We stopped accepting it. And it made her behaviour worse actually, she seemed to be very displeased that she didn't have something we needed to hold over us and dangle on front of us. But, even though she was acting far worse to us when we decided not to accept any money at all from her, it made it easier to cope with because we didn't feel "ungrateful" if we spoke up for ourselves.

There was a power thing when she was giving us money, we were a bit powerless, and without taking money we were able to be more on a level with her.

I think by not taking any money you can say: "I don't need anything from you, but I would like a mutually respectful relatinship with you"

It might not work, but it sure made us feel better to take away the money dynamic out of the equation.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

ThumbWitchesAbroad re your next generation post on the old thread

I know a local mum who reminds me so much of my mother. It's almost hard to describe, not so tangible, so much so that I wondered if I was projecting, but I don't think I am.

[SoThatHappened]

Does anyone have to deal with parents who slag you off to your sibling and say how nasty you are to them....and then slag your sibling off to you and say how nasty they are?

I need lessons on how to deal with this as I am plum out of wisdom.

[Merd]

...Are you close with your sibling? Are they pretty sensible?

Because I'd suggest meeting up and talking it over, and then both of you putting your foot down from now on.

"Stop talking about X mum/dad, we do talk to each other you know - and I don't want to hear it." (Then change subject firmly).

It might be all you can ever do is change your reaction to it all rather than any of their behaviour sadly.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

I used to tell my mum that I didn't want to hear about other loved ones she slagged off to me

It never stopped her TBH, and it would sometimes make her angry

[Merd]

Sometimes it's worked with mine. Especially if the two of us are alone and there's no other audience. She goes quiet and then finds someone else to complain about instead.

It's almost funny when it happens, like a naughty schoolchild has been reprimanded. But it's not of course because you shouldn't ever need to "tell a parent off". That too goes against everything society seems to teach us.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

No, I either get told I'm selfish because she needs to talk about it and I'm not supporting her

or

She goes a bit mad and says I'm disloyal to her and "taking their side", when the whole point of me saying that I don't want to hear it is that I don't want to be on either person's side, I want to be neutral

[LizKeen]

Me starting to refuse to engage in her bitching was the beginning of the end for this most recent NC.

I am sitting on my hands atm. I feel like messaging distant relative and saying that we were disappointed not to be invited to latest thing. I know that is inappropriate, and I WILL NOT do it. But that is what I want to do today.

Really need to move on from this and get over the lot of them.

[Hissy]

I'd like to check in, but of course my batshit doesn't communicate with me. I put down the boundaries. They can't and won't agree to them.

[Hissy]

Life is better without them.

[wizzywig]

Id like a family suite (with balcony preferably) on this cruise please. I have batshit krazy inlaws who like to gang up on my husband for stepping out of line. If i bring them on the cruise i fear id chuck them overboard

[coco1810]

Ooh, can I pull up a chair to the table too? My load of batshit is my fantastic mil, sil and bil aka the Royals. I get everything wrong from raising my DC (both of whom have a mind of their own) to buying the wrong type of dog food. I do not iron my DPs pants and I cook too much fresh food. TAKES A BOW TO APPLAUSE

I am also too working class and only work in a supermarket (whilst doing my degree in political history).

DP is plotting to go NC as soon as we can sell our house. Can not freaking wait!

[SoThatHappened]

My sibling is as batshit as my parents.
Just like them. Ive got to the point where i just want to forget it all but my sibling drags it up whenever we are together then colludes with my parents in running me down.

I am sick and I am tired of it.

[LtPigeon]

Oh, gawd, the two faced gossip, so very familiar. My own M was a master of that. She has finally driven a wedge between me and my sister which I don't think is repairable. No idea why divide and conquer is such a popular tactic, maybe it's similar to the over sharing thing that they all do...

Sgoinneal - I totally agree in principle, I stopped accepting money from my own M a long time ago when I realised that it always comes with strings attached and it's never given as a gift with good grace....can't go into much detail without it being quite outing, but the thing with MIL is that it isn't her money, she's nominally jointly in charge of a trust. Who has money in trust for children that are now in their 30s/40s and still debating if it's time to hand it over? She can't accept that they've grown up and can handle their own affairs.

[MariposaUno]

Marking my spot as couldn't find the last thread to post!

Only recently accepted I have a Narc, detached over past year but also agree it just takes it to a whole different level.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

LtPigeon mine has told me that she's leaving all of her money in a controlling trust for the girls with named trustees who have strict instructions about controlling what they spend it on.

Even after she's gone she wants control. Jesus. It'll never end. They'ld be better off if she left it all to her cats!

[LtPigeon]

Delusions of grandeur and inflated sense of self importance, I think. We're not talking millions here by the way. About enough each to pay for a small house, so it'd come in handy, but not enough to retire on.
That's BS by the way about controlling what they spend it on, that isn't possible.

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

actually it is possible in terms of releasing money from the trust before the age the trust is set to.

The trustees can release some of it early in certain circumstances, circumstances she has instructed them on.

So when they turn 18 or 21 or whatever they can spend it how they like, but before that, she can instruct the trustee to say "only release it for ballet tuition" thereby being controlling over a tomboy girl who would rather do football but feels they should do ballet because it's paid for IYKWIM

[ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism]

or she can say that it can be released early but it must not be used in a way that benefits me or DH.

So say we all find ourselves homeless before the kids reach 18, no, we can't have any of the money towards a B&B, but the kids can have a new fucking violin every year

That makes me sound greedy and grabby, I'm not! I'ld rather get nothing than get money used spitefully to control

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

May I join the voyage?

I was on the other thread but have been away.

I am very recently NC with my mother and sister. Finally had enough of feeling bad about myself for their benefit. Sick of being their scapegoat, and tired of being held back because of their control issues.

It's been 1 month. I can't believe how much better and easier life is without the constant worry of making everyone mad.

My own young DD has said she won't talk to her grandmother on the phone as she heard her yell at me.

Drinks on the lido deck?

[Merd]

Blessed Nina is still going on on the other thread about her "12 terrible hours in bitter old Mumsnet" I see.

This weird idea keeps surfacing in these arguments; that in the good old days everyone just rubbed along and sure someone could be just awful but we all stuck with them didn't we? Whereas these days someone online tells you a relative is toxic so you throw them off forever.

What the fuck. So many things wrong with this; not least of which of course things have changed (we also no longer accept domestic abuse, child abuse for example), but also there are examples on those threads where it's not true and where some of the gransnetters had to cut relatives off too.

I wonder if the very presence of forums like Mumsnet makes the Ninas of the world thing this is an increasing problem - whereas actually we're just all collectively coming together and talking about it for the first time. (And I'm glad we are).