You cannot communicate with batshit

[Pingpang]

Following on from a recent thread regarding those who are NC/LC with family members.

Welcome to the good ship Narcymcnarcface! The bar is stocked and there's a seat for everyone. Shuffleboard starts in 20 mins.

Same here. I got told how beautifully my brother and I were dressed. We were terrified to move or eat anything in case our clothes got dirty or creased.

One day we were sent out to play outside at my Aunts and I got grass stains on my white buckskin shoes. I was too frightened to go inside. All the way home I heard how ungrateful I was, how careless, how I did not deserve nice things.

Oh yes - as a sharp contrast to all the shit gifts, this is when the toxic person can suddenly seem to become a remarkably GOOD present-buyer - when they're trying to "buy you back" with lots of expensive stuff

Last birthday before NC: a used cardboard jewellery box that looked like it originally came from a pound/grockle shop. I react to most metal so I don't do jewellery. Unwrapped, clearly old/used, deliberately meant to say "I don't give a fuck about you, you're not worth nipping to the shops to pick something new up, you're only worth the tat I would otherwise throw out".No card, no wrapping paper or gift wrap.

Birthday following NC: A beautiful "to my daughter on your birthday" card, obviously chosen for me and bought specifically for me, in contrast to the previous year, containing a cheque for a significant amount of money!

Fuzzy - horrible though the thought is, you might have to consider reducing contact with the aunts as well. If they're going to be flying monkeys for your mum (and/or grandma) then they're not bringing anything positive into your life either, only more stress.
Cut 'em off at the pass - say you're happy to see them but ONLY IF they do not talk to or about your mother.

I mean talk to your mother about you.
Not at all.

Kwirrel it was the same for me - and I'd get the crap beaten out of me of anything got dirty or wet. I knew from an early age that my position in the hierarchy of the house came in somewhere below a new pair of boots I got given for school. Certainly lower status than any of the furniture. One moment of humour amongst thus was when I was about 15, and my mum dropped the iron on the brand new carpet - my mum "admitting" it to me and DDad and her confusion as we high fived each other, exclaimed with relief that thank god it was finally ruined and it wasn't either of us to blame, etc.

Screenshot I'm coming up on my first post NC birthday. Shall I clear a space for the awesome present that is coming to me? Hee! My mother has gone the other way, radio silence since the NC letter, I think she considers me a lost cause. I've been a shitty source of Nsupply for years but she was willing to grudgingly tolerate my presence to get access to her grandchildren. She might send something so as to convince God (nobody else will know about the NC, she's a covert narcissist) that she's the injured party.

Fuzzy another vote here for charity shopping that gift. Someone who's a bit skint will pick up that stuff and be really pleased with it, the charity gets some money and you get it out of the house. I'm guessing it would not bring you any joy dressing the baby in those clothes, imagine the difference if it came as a gift from a family member who you had a happy relationship with and it would be a joy to have.

Ahhhhhh Father's Day and the competitive batshittery it can bring out. Can't go into details but I'm considering abandoning my teetotalling ways and going for it with gusto.

Merd - im posting waaay after your earlier comment and someone else may have already said this, but yes having an abusive childhood fucks your memory. Its because of disassociation, which is how we block things out. I was sexually abused as an early teen, and luckily i had counselling young. But i have almost no recollection of my childhood. Sometimes something will come to me, but i can't put events to years or in the right order. Disassociation means you actually have to shut bits of your brain down. It took me a decade after the abuse to be able to go to uni because my brain was just mush!

I lurk here occasionally, and while not as bad as many of you ladies have suffered, I have experience of similar batshit in my background. Currently LC and building my self-awareness.

I just read Thumb's descriptions of the space suit and glass house. For the past few years, I have taken to wearing full makeup when around DM. My own personal "shield". I wear makeup, but not daily, in fact not even weekly a lot of the time - but when we are "down home", I don't leave the bedroom in the morning until I have a full face painted on. It hides a multitude (probably not, but I can fool myself) of my hurt at what she says. But more importantly, I see it as the shield that her hurtful words bounce harmlessly off.

I like the space suit idea though - I may have to sit and imagine my own personal one....especially with an enforced week of near contact coming up for family wedding and surrounding events.

Hope it helps, Biddy! I like your make up "shield" too.

The posts where people are saying how important it was for them to keep their clothes clean reminds me of how my mother assesses other people's parenting - the best thing she can say about someone as a mum or dad is that "the children are spotlessly clean"!

Also in our house we were not allowed to sit on the beds once they were made - sometimes we did and then straightened them out really well afterwards but she could always spot the tiniest crease and used to go mental. Since I moved out I rarely make the bed properly, just throw the duvet up and over!

Re gifts - at Christmas I used to ask mother if there was anything she wanted, she would reply with a list of things NOT to get her - clothes, scarves, gloves, perfume, soaps, body lotion, make up etc etc - anything I could think of! So I used to get vouchers...until one year she added 'vouchers' to the list. Anything I got her would be left unused for months anyway. At some point I would visit, an old present would be sitting there, she would point at it and say "you can take that when you're going, I've no use for it".

How rude, WishI. And sad, and cruel. :(
Hope you gave up buying her anything a long time ago.

Hi Thumb, I went LC 5 years ago and no longer spend Christmas or birthdays with her. For birthdays I just send a card and for Christmas I send a card and a voucher - no longer care whether she likes/uses them or not!

Sounds like a good sanity-saving choice, WishI.

Just finished reading Behind the Scenes at the Museum. It's funny, I do normally remember when I've read a book - but this one, for some reason, I couldn't quite decide for ages. I do know now (now that I've finished it) that I have read it before, probably quite a long while ago - but must have blanked a lot of it out.

Such a sad mess of so many lives. And yes, highly illustrative of the sort of emotional neglect that so many on this thread have experienced. :(

Another good book written by someone who seems knows a lot about narcissistic mothers is The Rain Before it Falls, by Jonathon Coe.

www.amazon.co.uk/Rain-Before-Falls-Jonathan-Coe/dp/0141033215

Hi all

I've not posted for a while I have depression and it's been really bad lately and as I'm sure you understand while this thread is lovely and supportive it can also be upsetting.

But I saw 'behind the scenes' mentioned and had to see.

I also had a birthday recently - it was shit! Card from aunt, money from mum (she bumped into dd buying gifts and I think felt guilty and shoved some money at her to give to me rather than have to admit to her granddaughter that she doesn't give a shit!) but no card. Text message a day late. Very hurtful.

Sorry to hear that, Bacon - sounds like a tough time, made worse by your mother being your mother as usual :( Hope the depression starts to lift soon and you feel "better"

I'll look out for that book, thanks Goodlove

Hello. I've read the thread and may have commented previously.

I've been battling my own batshit crazy mil from a long distance. Backstory - mil lived with fil. Then after 30 years married divorced and moved back to her home country. We (Dh & I) visited for Christmas 2014. I was tormented by mil for the duration of our trip and have been since. Dh has only just (as in the past month) recognised it for himself and has seen how it's affected me. It took me saying I was leaving to get him to listen. (Massive argument, I've been stressed about work and a lot of things and there was a tipping point email from mil which broke me).

This morning. After receiving exciting news about Bils engagement (yay!) and realising we'd have to travel to mils country for the wedding (Bil and now sil to be live there). Dh told mil in no uncertain terms that she wasn't to fuck with me again. Ever. She got snippy because I was on the Skype call (new tactic - I wasn't previously "allowed" to be but after our very cathartic arguement we decided we handle everything together) and it escalated. And Dh told her off. He put his feet down. Hard.

I'm now waiting For the fallout. But cannot be prouder of Dh for actually telling her off.

That's great em.

Thanks thumb, so much going on just now, I'll get there

Hopping on board! My narcDM due for a visit this week

(I didn't invite her btw)

Just a hello and hope everyone's doing "ok". I'm a bit paralysed by Brexit lately, did not see that coming one bit.

to all who are dealing with batshittery at the moment in all its many guises.

Bit past breakfast now, maybe I'll start teabreak...
Danish pastries, pain au chocolat, warm croissants with jam etc. and my own personal favourite - warm doughnuts with jam, UK style (not ghastly dry Kremethingy jobs).
Tea, coffee, hot chocolate (with or without that extra little something, depending on whether or not you're entertaining batshittery at home)
And of course some relaxing seating - take your pick from the deckchairs, the sun loungers, the giant beanbags or the sofas.

Now - lie back with your tea break, close your eyes and think of your most favourite place in the world, and your most favourite sound.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh. S'better.
all round.

Evening all, hope everyone is well.

merd struggling myself with everything going on this last week. Hope you're ok.

Latest Batshit from my mother is that she's now unfriended both dh and myself on Facebook

I bought thank you cards to send for the gifts but have had shit few weeks with my anxiety, (have been signed off work until my mat leave starts) so didn't get around to sending them which has apparently resulted in the unfriending.

I'm now thinking I'll send a standard thank you for the gifts when the baby arrives as to not feed the drama that she's obviously trying to stir up. [Sad]