You cannot communicate with batshit

[Pingpang]

Following on from a recent thread regarding those who are NC/LC with family members.

Welcome to the good ship Narcymcnarcface! The bar is stocked and there's a seat for everyone. Shuffleboard starts in 20 mins.

When I was about 9 I saved my pocket money for nearly 6 months for a gift my mother immediately threw away in front of me.
Oh and then there was the surprise party I didn’t throw for her one year..that I'm not sure (N.C.) that I've been forgiven for it even yet (I've never thrown her a party - nor she me and I still don’t know why she thought I would be doing that one especially as I live over 400 miles away and don’t know any of her friends)
oh but that does remind me of my 8th, I think, birthday party I was told I had to have and organise myself..have you ever ever hear of an eight year old organising their own birthday party...? Not a complete success (understatement) but something handy to criticise me about for many many years afterwards.
Cant buy them with gifts,
cant bury them under the patio....sigh...

My mother organised a party for my and my twins 21st to which she invited only her friends. We were told that our friends wouldn't want to come anyway. We were then expected to cater for her friends while she told them how ungrateful we were (as we had expected to invite our friends on our birthday). To top it off my lovely older sister organised a cake for us but we nearly didn't get it as her stupid second husband who had been sent to collect it with older sister decided it was more important for him to go to his hobby store, leaving big sis and the cake in the car in the heat while cake melted.
For our 18th mum decided to turn up at our halls of residence and introduce us to the new love of her life (soon to be stupid second husband) who we had never even heard of before. She made the whole ocassion about her and our birthday was forgotten.

665 - I should think that just about broke your heart, your mother throwing your gift to her in the bin like that, didn't it? I think it would have broken mine :(
What an unutterably cruel thing to do to you. for you.

Horrible ways to hurt your DC over the presents thing, I just can't imagine doing that to a child.

We had Mother's Day here a few weeks ago (it's in May here) and I help run the Mother's day stall at school (children bring in $5 per gift and they can choose whatever they like). Because I help run it, I get to see the gifts available and can tell the other helpers in which direction to push my Ds1 (and DS2 now too, because he comes with me to the school and then his brother helps him pick out a gift too). This year, DS1 (8) refused all guidance and said he would get what he thought I would like. So I ended up with a heart shaped photo frame and a plastic orchid in a pot. NOT what I would have chosen AT ALL but I smiled, gave them both big kisses and said Thank You, what lovely gifts! Because that's what you're supposed to do with small children, however much you really don't like their choice. I can't imagine doing anything else, and seeing them look so hurt and disappointed and not caring. Just gobsmacking. :(

My mum has just sent a huge box of beautifully wrapped presents for the baby in the post, no card or note just a gift tag saying to Mr & Mrs fuzzy a beautiful baby....
I'm just sat here crying and staring at them now I'm the evil one if I send them back or if I don't contact her gushing with how grateful I am.....

My nan's gift is just addressed to her great grand daughter

Forgive me for not remembering, Fuzzy, but what is your level of contact with your mother now, and your stance on presents?

If it's full NC and no cards/gifts accepted, then I would say send them back with no note.
If you still have limited contact then keep them and send a formal thank you note.
If you don't like them (and since she has form that's quite likely) then send the formal thank you note and regift away.

Same applies to your nan, I think. At least whatever she has got for your baby won't be something she would like to wear! (Unless it's nappies... )

There comes a time when you have to do the adult on them. She's expecting you to behave like a child - either OTT grateful, or sulky and ungrateful. Don't gratify her with either - do the Adult and a simple thanks, if you are keeping them.

They have been LC for 8 months only spoke to me because my grandfather on df side died and they saw an opportunity to create drama, then completely NC for almost 2 years so I've been cut off from the family by them for almost years total

I've sent Christmas gifts because of FOG but resolved late last year to go completely NC unfortunately when I got pregnant I decided to contact them to let them know they showed zero interest so I decided NC was the best option all around haven't contacted them since 12 week scan.

3 weeks ago step father rang asking why I didn't want them involved etc. Now this obviously more opportunity to create drama and make me feel like shit so they're back in contact.

I was going to go with a formal thank you for the gifts I'm sure the baby will love them and leave it at that but I know what they're like I don't think that will be the end of it.

And now dh will be swayed back around to thinking they are ok and trying to make me ring them why can't I have normal fucking family!

It's all from m&s and Cath kidston beautiful stuff must have cost them a fortune!

*Almost 3 year sorry managed to delete that bit!

It's just so they can say Ahhhh we've spent all this money and sent her all this stuff and she's still shutting us out see ungrateful selfish child doesn’t get it from us we're so generous and loving.....

All right, so you're still a bit FOGbound and your DH isn't helping with this because he obviously doesn't "get it" - tell him to back the fuck off where your mum is concerned (nicely, if you prefer!) - you're hormonal, you can get away with more just now!

When is the baby due?

Yes, still some FOG but I'd made up my mind at the start of the year to maintain the NC and had a heated discussion with dh when step father rung about maintaining NC.

Baby is due in August.

I feel very on the back foot, it's clear they are only interested in how they can get to the baby and not interested in me especially my grandmother.

fuzzywuzzy, they want to provoke a reaction. If you send back a note, the next thing they will want to meet the baby when it arrives, get pics etc etc and you will be so vulnerable then. If it were me, I would say no note. Then see how you feel once baby comes, if you're feeling positive you can always send a pic of baby in them.

Right then - if you want to maintain NC, then you should probably send everything back.
They can fuss and scream and rail about it all they like, but since you won't be in contact, you won't have to listen to it.

You already know what they're after, and it's not positive in any way for you, so don't give them the chance.

Maybe send them a pic after the baby is born, but honestly, I wouldn't do that either - if you want NC, you have to maintain NC as much as they do.

for you - it's hard. :(

No note, no sending back.

Radio silence. Any reaction is a reward for them. They will see it as an "in"

If you don't want the things, give them away.

Fuzzy

Do not acknowledge the gift from her (which is also loaded with obligation); no contact is precisely that. Charity shop it, you never asked for this to be sent either and it is a way of her getting back at you.

Your mother never sent this out of any real concern for you and your child. What she wants from you is a response; that is the reward to her and that will enable her to bother you even more.

Radio silence must be maintained. Nothing from you should be sent to her going forward either. This woman was not a good parent to you, she will not be a good grandparent to your child either. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents.

Saw this today...

Hey Atilla! Looong time no speak! ((((Huge hug))))

We must catch up at some point!

Fuzzy you know the truth of the matter, you KNOW that this decision you took was right, and it was the only one you could take. It was not taken lightly. Stay strong love. It's fog making you feel what's not deserved.

You're ungrateful ? For all the shit they piled onto you?

It's all from m&s and Cath kidston beautiful stuff must have cost them a fortune!

Oh yes - as a sharp contrast to all the shit gifts, this is when the toxic person can suddenly seem to become a remarkably GOOD present-buyer - when they're trying to "buy you back" with lots of expensive stuff. But it's not really nice present-giving. It's another power play, as you say.

I don't blame you for getting in touch, it's that desperate yearning for love and normalcy and then that realisation that no - nothing's changed (you knew logically it wasn't but logic doesn't always come into these things). Sadly they can't give you that love, for whatever reason. All they can give you is Stuff, and that feels worse because there's nothing behind it.

You stay strong there Fuzzy. And charity shop the stuff without feeling guilty if you want to. Because you're going to give your child the best gift of all: a life without them fucking it up sideways!

The "come back to us" gifts
Like a publicly being given box of beautiful chocolates..but later, when you have time to look at the flavour chart..its still all the same shit.
Gifts like this are about how they want to feel about themselves
They don't want you back, they want compliant, docile well behaved fantasy daughter and the adoring grandchild.
All for a box of crap.
If it worked there is no way that they could have been expensive enough.

Ah Attila's here. Listen to her.
Yes, you probably shouldn't even send the gifts back because that's still a form of "contact" - and shows that you were affected somehow by them.

So yes - if you want to use them, use them; if you don't, re-gift or chazzer them. But no contact with the senders.

Thanks for all the replies, I'm just worried about what will happen with the family I am still in contact with if I don't send a note.

Since my grandparents died shes inserted herself into my father's family, she uses my aunts as flying monkeys.

One aunt I'm particularly close with as she is only a few years older and more like a sister she particularly uses.

On a positive note I've been discussing it with dh last night and this morning and he's of the same opinion of me, which is a relief.

Hope everyone else is well.

The flying monkeys do make thing difficult. I used to hear a lot of negative stuff about my brother from some cousins. I never felt I could defend him because the stuff that went on in our house was private.

Like most of us, I felt that no-one would believe me anyway. One day when I was sitting with their mum, she went a bit to far and I said that, 'things were not always as they seem, that my mum could be very cruel sometimes.

Next thing is that the cousins are on the phone saying how I upset their mum. Shou,d have kept my mouth shut.

Just say you did... Your credibility is way more than theirs deep down!

It's not just them that gets to be underhand..

That's the thing hissy because aunts have grown up with my mother like a big sister I think they believe her over me because I'm the difficult child. They'll take her side over my dad! Which my mum likes to use to stir up trouble.

When my mum first stopped talking to me she was crying to my aunt saying she didn't know what she'd done, then I had my aunt onto me about why I wasn't speaking to her?!

She's lost both her parents the last few years so I get a whole guilt trip about only getting one mum etc.

I think I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

We had been raised to show that everything is fine... Let's use our superlative skills in propaganda for GOOD!