DP beat up my DF..struggling to deal with it.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

This happened a few years ago now but it's just today popped into my head and is extremely upsetting. I don't deserve it because i'm a coward but please be gentle and sensitive.

It was over an argument about money, i didn't see it as i was told to go to the car, then a few minutes later dp came out covered in blood and told me to drive. I was obviously extremely distressed but to my utter shame i didn't go in to see my dad. I can't remember what happened afterwards but for some reason i didn't split with him, if i did he wormed his way back.

I know from what i've been told that DP punched my dad multiple times when he was standing and df sitting who didn't fight back. Police were called but he dropped charges (religious reasons and aspergers if that's relevant)

It sounds like i'm a disgusting person but i love my dad so much. Even after that he has still supported me and always been there if i needed him and now i'm wracked with guilt and don't know what to do.

[OohMavis]

I think the fact your dad has stuck by you and has been supportive ever since is testament to how much he loves you. You're incredibly lucky to have someone who loves you like that, not many people do, and I'm willing to bet he'd jump at the chance to help you if you decided to leave now.

Has this incident ever come up between you and your partner? Was it all just... swept under the rug, carry on as normal, best not mention it? I'm struggling to understand how you move on as a 'unit' from something so terrible without it majorly affecting your relationship, honestly.

[Misnomer]

The fact that you're suddenly bringing the subject up now suggests you're thinking of taking action finally, so do it!

Actually, I think this hits the nail on the head (or one of them, at least). Your DP is abusive. I remember your other thread about your partner constantly and aggressively demanding sex. Maybe it's finally dawning on you that the situation you are in is not ok. I really hope that this awful memory helps you to wake up to fact that your DP is a really horrible person. You've kept it out of your mind for along time. It must be coming up now for a reason.

[50shadesofTom]

Being in an abusive relationship is obviously difficult and the dynamics are complex.

If you're in an abusive relationship that you feel you can't get out of is one thing. But there comes a point when personal responsibility has to kick in. And that's when the abuser extends their abuse to other family members or members of the public.

If you're enmeshed in an abusive dynamic which you continue for whatever reason then I really have huge amounts of sympathy.

But if a partner beats a parent or child or any other family member to the point they're covered in blood then you need to wake the fuck up and sort yourself out and do the right thing.

[Pagwatch]

50shades

Yes.
That's what I think.

Her 'D'P beating the shit out of her father was brushed under the carpet.
Beating up a seated older man until you are covered in blood is exactly the same as if he beat the crap out of the OPs children.

My irritation is with the 'well he beat up my dad but he's not abusive to me or the children' dialogue.

It's the same thing.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

It just popped into your head today?

What you haven't thought about it every time you look at your DP? You don't look at him and think "disgusting cunt, why am I still with you" every single day!!

Your poor dad.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Petty argument?

What would he do if it was something serious?

[emotionsecho]

I dread to think what the outcome for your dad would have been if the argument had been serious.

[facebookrecruit]

Your poor father! I hope my kids never show such disloyalty and disregard for me this is awful!

[AcrossthePond55]

Well, since you're still with that piece of shit no wonder you're 'struggling'. You are with a man who beat up your father. There is no way to excuse or 'deal' with this. No way to find peace about it. You'll continue to be upset about it as long as you are with him, as well you should be.

It wasn't 'petty'. Nothing that results in physical violence is 'petty'. Petty means the issue isn't very important. It was obviously important enough to your 'd'P for him to assault your father.

Incidentally the fact that you were 'told to go to the car' and you 'obeyed' speaks volumes about the dynamics of your relationship. If my DH were in a heated argument with my father I certainly wouldn't be going anywhere.

You say he hasn't been violent. That's probably because you and your DCs walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him. That in and of itself is abusive.

[OohMavis]

OP, I hope you come back. Having done a quick search (sorry, I know it's 'bad form' but there's so little context in this thread) I really do think you need support. He's not a nice man.

[travellinghopefully12]

I feel sorry for the OP. She obviously feels terrible about this and wants to make amends to her poor father. It sounds like one of those crazy and horrible situations where logic disappears.

There is so much we still don't know. How is OP's relationship with her Dad now? How has it affected it? Does her Dad have Aspergers? If so he is a vulnerable adult.

[SuckingEggs]

Erm. I'm speechless.

If someone did that to a member of my family, I'd make them pay for it.

[Resideria]

How can you live with this man? How can your husband beating up your father be something you are able to ignore? How can you live with yourself?

[rollonthesummer]

Omg- if anyone did that to my dad, my relationship with them would be terminated.

Your poor dad.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

Seriously Sordid - your posts are ALWAYS about what a shit your DP is! Why you feel the need to come on to MN every other week and tell us something else SPECTACULARLY awful your DP has done, read the outraged replies and then completely ignore/bury your head in the sand.

In the past while your DP has "been forceful" during sex, tried to coerce you into oral sex, bullied your child, shared racist pictures on social media and now you tell us he beat up your Dad. If this is all true you know exactly what you need to do.

[Branleuse]

wow

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

Bloody hell! How are you only thinking about this now?

The bit that got me the most is the bit where your P got in the car and you drove away knowing full well what he had done to your poor dad. How your dad still has anything to do with you is beyond me.

I guess you feel guilty, that's why it's playing on your mind. You need to get rid of the abusive twat and grovel to your dad. Then maybe have some counselling as this is just not right or normal at all.

[AyeAmarok]

Have you and your P discussed this incident since it happened? What was his explanation?

Your poor father, how could you just casually brush over someone beating up your (presumably fairly old) father, especially one who has always loved and supported you?

[AyeAmarok]

your DP has "been forceful" during sex, tried to coerce you into oral sex, bullied your child, shared racist pictures on social media and now you tell us he beat up your Dad

Christ, didn't realise this was all the same poster.

[SuckingEggs]

Women's Aid. Please.

[NewLife4Me]

My God, I'd have it permanently in my head. The man would have been gone the same day.
Your poor Dad deserves better, it pops into your head.
Why did you decide to stay with a thug?

[VodkaValiumLattePlease]

Honestly you're an awful daughter and I would be ashamed of you if I knew you

[ManonLescaut]

It just 'popped' into your head after a few years?