DP beat up my DF..struggling to deal with it.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

This happened a few years ago now but it's just today popped into my head and is extremely upsetting. I don't deserve it because i'm a coward but please be gentle and sensitive.

It was over an argument about money, i didn't see it as i was told to go to the car, then a few minutes later dp came out covered in blood and told me to drive. I was obviously extremely distressed but to my utter shame i didn't go in to see my dad. I can't remember what happened afterwards but for some reason i didn't split with him, if i did he wormed his way back.

I know from what i've been told that DP punched my dad multiple times when he was standing and df sitting who didn't fight back. Police were called but he dropped charges (religious reasons and aspergers if that's relevant)

It sounds like i'm a disgusting person but i love my dad so much. Even after that he has still supported me and always been there if i needed him and now i'm wracked with guilt and don't know what to do.

[Ankleswingers]

WTF are you still with him??

I am really disturbed and genuinely upset reading this thread.

Your poor DF.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Is it something your father has? If so, do you suspect that you have aspergers as well? Do you feel as if your DH is your emotional anchor and everything will fall apart if you leave him?

My dad has it, i don't think i do but i do feel worried about what will happen.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

it's not bullshit why on earth would i make something like that up?!

[Pagwatch]

I don't care what that piece of shit says
.
I wanted to know if you had spoken to your dad about it,

[MySordidCakeSecret]

i said sorry afterwards to him, i was incredibly devastated

I messaged him tonight asking if things would be ok if i were to split (payment arrangements and things) but also to broach it and he said it would be fine he could help to support me whilst i claimed for relevent benefits etc so i think i'm going to do it i just worry about telling my dc and how they will react because it will break me if they're upset.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Of course he doesn't want to be involved with the police! But what about rape, murder? Does he get to commit those crimes too but no one does anything as he doesn't want to be involved with the police?

[emotionsecho]

This just gets worse, your dp beat up a vulnerable older man, you stayed with your dp and only now feel some semblance of remorse for your dad?

[50shadesofTom]

Your children are being damaged. The responsibility for abuse always lies with the abuser but you are failing to protect them from being exposed to dysfunctional and abusive behaviour and you're actually excusing and enabling it.

Your other threads suggest so many other disturbing behaviours in your relationship. Even if you think your children don't hear or don't know - I guarantee they know more than you think and at the very least pick up on your distress.

And I can't imagine the psychological impact this had on your Dad.

It doesn't matter what religion you or your family subscribe to. It doesn't matter if your Dad has a neurodevelopmental disorder.

An abuser often cannot see their own abusive behaviour or is able to ignore/minimise/justify it. That's not an excuse - it's a formulation.

But you know better and are still excusing and minimising it. You have to take control now and remove yourself and your children.

This isn't just about you. This is having an impact on lots of people; not least your children.

[Pagwatch]

MySordidCake

You have to look at the big picture . Children don't like change but really, is your children being upset worse than them living with a man who thinks nothing of beating up your dad?
You have no perspective . Staying with him is not a gift to your children

[CheerfulYank]

You might love him, but he is not a good man. Get away from him. You can do it.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

ok i will do it. I messaged my aunt for advice and she said she's not surprised because she's seen me get stronger over the past few years.

[Pseudo341]

It sounds like you've been massively in denial for a long time and the reality of your situation is finally sinking in. Don't think your children are not being damaged by his behaviour just because he's not hitting them. Getting them away from him is very much in their best interests. Stay strong and get out.

[3perfectweemen]

My dh is love of my life a gentle caring man but if for any Reason he lifted a hand to my dad I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.
This sounds mean but your loyalties are so screwed up. I'm actually feeling angry and sad for you dad that u had such little regard for him.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

i love my dad hugely so, he's the only parent i have and is always there for me.

I don't know why i drove away. I really, really don't. And i can't really remember what happened in the aftermath, it's all muddled up.

[AmysTiara]

Unbelievable! Your poor dad, you haven't been kind to him at all.

[SuckingEggs]

I am convinced that with distance, you will begin to see clearly. The muddle will clear.

Well done on telling your aunt. Remember Women's Aid, too.

[Aquiver]

Sordid - it sounds like you've had a moment of clarity. You must have been in terrible shock when it all happened with your DF and partner

You cannot continue to live with this man. He could turn on your children one day which is a chilling thought.

Please do ask for him from family and friends. Your partner is capable of tremendous violence so please do put the safety of your children and yourself first. You are all better off without that threat in your lives

[AmyAmoeba]

It sounds to me like you were deeply traumatised at the time. Yes, on a calm logical level you should feel and act a certain way but under immense psychological stress we don't always react in a predictable way.
People freeze when they should logically fight back or run away, people develop attachments to kidnappers, etc. I can empathise deeply with that reaction to do as your told in a state of shock and I'm very very envious of the posters who lack the life experience or imagination to grasp what you're describing.

You sound so terribly vulnerably alone, and I hope by reaching out to your dad and your aunt you will start to build a bulwark of support.

For all the condemnation you are receiving OP, I'm surprised no one has criticised your father's inaction. If one of my children married a thug, I'd be absolutely delighted if he hit me and I could press charges against him.

The fact that you are struggling to piece this story together suggests to me that you have buried a lot of your awareness and instinct to survive, but slowly and inexorably it's coming to the surface.

You've taken some brave steps: posting here, reaching out to your aunt. Keep on now, another small step, then another because you've started on the long road to freedom.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Thank you Amy.

[bobthebuddha]

Have you actually read the thread properly, justnippingin?

[justnippingin]

I have......thank you.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

You posted about this before, distinctly remember the details of you going out to the car and your DP following later.

Did you get any good advice on that thread?

[bobthebuddha]

Shame, no excuse then, really. I suggest you read AmyAmoeba's post again then (if indeed you did read it before) and think on it. Your experience and who you know is not the universal standard, particularly when it comes to abusive relationships. Posts like yours and others like them are spectacularly unhelpful.