DP beat up my DF..struggling to deal with it.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

This happened a few years ago now but it's just today popped into my head and is extremely upsetting. I don't deserve it because i'm a coward but please be gentle and sensitive.

It was over an argument about money, i didn't see it as i was told to go to the car, then a few minutes later dp came out covered in blood and told me to drive. I was obviously extremely distressed but to my utter shame i didn't go in to see my dad. I can't remember what happened afterwards but for some reason i didn't split with him, if i did he wormed his way back.

I know from what i've been told that DP punched my dad multiple times when he was standing and df sitting who didn't fight back. Police were called but he dropped charges (religious reasons and aspergers if that's relevant)

It sounds like i'm a disgusting person but i love my dad so much. Even after that he has still supported me and always been there if i needed him and now i'm wracked with guilt and don't know what to do.

[OohMavis]

Is he abusive though? For the life of me, I can't think of anything that would encourage me to stay and have children with a man who attacked my (lovely, presumably) father so badly he bled. The only thing I can think of is abuse.

Why did you stay?

[ohtheholidays]

But he was very violent to your poor Dad,how the hell could you stay with him OP?

I've been in an abusive marriage the day the Bastard went to hit one of our DC was the day he was gone.Honestly if he'd hit my Dad I'd have had to have been pulled off the fucker!

[ohtheholidays]

Petty argument yes so petty the wanker made your poor Father bleed!

[firesidechat]

So many questions.

Do your dp and father see each other?

How the hell does that work?

You were told to go to the car and went? Do you always do as you're told?

It all sounds a bit "Eastenders".

[Jan45]

Oh god, I assumed you were no longer with the bastard, you are, sorry but you are wasting your time on here - only one thing to do, get rid and spend the rest of your time making it up to your dad.

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

Wow. I have no words. Your poor father.

[Gazelda]

I could never forgive anyone who did that to another person. But he did it to your Father?!

[leadcrow]

If your partner is not violent or abusiv towards you or your children, how long will that last? I have never been in a situation like this so I don't know how hard it must be loving and being in a relationship with someone like this but when you say he worms his way back in he sounds like a typical abuser.

Can't remember where I read/heard this but in a focus group interview of abusers they were asked "how long until you start the abuse...right away?' And the group were like "oh no, no you have to get them to love you and trust you. And slowly take away their connections to family and friends, control them etc, only after you've done all of that and they're totally dependent on you can you start'. When asked the group said it takes at least two years. THEY PLAN IT OVER 2 OR MORE YEARS! Beating up your dad and arguing with your family over money issues sounds like the start of abuse to me.

[PPie10]

Honestly your father deserves a better daughter. He sounds absolutely lovely and you allowed the person you are choosing to still live with beat him up. Absolutely shameful of you.

[LaConnerie]

Sorry op but im not surprised you feel bad about it now, since it 'popped into your head'. I don't quite understand how you managed to not have it in your head at any point, or how you can stomach staying with this utter piece of shit.

I do feel for you, op. I can only assume your partner has dragged you down so far that you don't have the strength to leave him

And your poor dad

[ratspeaker]

Has something happened that has brought out this strong reaction now?

[Jan45]

I am livid on your dad's behalf OP, you need help to find out why the fuck you stayed with a coward who beat up an elderly man.

[emotionsecho]

Is it your dad who has Aspergers? What's the religious issue that stopped charges being laid against your dp?

A petty argument led to a man being violently attacked while sitting down unable to defend himself and resulted in your dp being covered in blood and your dp isn't violent?

[Pseudo341]

now i'm wracked with guilt and don't know what to do

Get the man who attacked your father out of your life and go and apologise to your dad.

The fact that you're suddenly bringing the subject up now suggests you're thinking of taking action finally, so do it!

[Pagwatch]

The fact that this piece of shit hasn't hit her or her children is neither here nor there.

He beat up her fucking dad!

And she has spent the last four years pretending it didn't happen because it's all just too awkward. But she feels bad. And she's upset.

[P1nkP0ppy]

^^as LaConnerie says.
Your poor father.

[kamchatka23]

What exactly does 'religious reasons and Aspergers' mean?

[leadcrow]

I'd like to add and re-emphasise that despite other people not being very sympathetic I acknowledge that loving someone who is abusive is a difficult situation to be in. Other people telling you to be ashamed of yourself is not productive, constructive or positive. Rather, I would say build yourself up some self respect, apologise to your dad for not doing anything sooner and get your parents to help you leave him, protect you family! Whatever you do don't let your partner isolate you from your friends and family.

[emotionsecho]

Should read 'covered in your dad's blood'.

[WelshMoth]

You are struggling to deal with it because you know you've let you Dad down.

Staying with a man who beat a defenceless older man is, like everyone else has said, devastatingly poor form. You are not going to make sense of this because you know you cannot.

Your Dad clearly loves you.

The ONLY right thing to do here is to use your voice, do the right thing and stand up for your Dad. If my DH laid a fucking finger in my Dad, I'd leave. No doubt about it.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

it was a petty argument about money worries.
Oh well, that's okay then. except for the part where this makes it much, much worse. What would he have done if it had been a serious disagreement?

I'm trying really hard not to judge you because I think that in some way you may be a victim too. But you are with this man and your children are around him, when you know what he is capable of. Get the fuck out of there.