Meeting to talk things through with newly separated H today. First time I've seen him since we split.

[YoJesse]

Me and my H separated a few weeks back after he became unstable following a drink /drugs binge over the course of a day whilst we had 3 year old ds with us. He's been battling addiction issues on/off for years (and to a lesser extent I have to but am sober now).

We've agreed to meet this weekend one to one to talk things through without anyone else like family or SW there (we have sw involvement) as we both think we need to speak honestly and personally just us). Ds is away with family at the moment so will not be confused to see Daddy.

I'm still feeling sad about the breakup and already cancelled meeting him last night as I feel weaker in the evening. I don't want to fall for any bullshit about how he's going to change etc. It really is the end now.

Any advice or tips on how to handle a tricky first meeting with an ex?

I don't believe you, jesse

A child should not be used to stabilise it's mother.

I cannot believe what I'm reading.

It's a shame you lied with those posts yesterday because I'm struggling to believe your last post as true now.

Myinlaws, do you mean we are enabling?

Your son is not supposed to stabilise you. I hope to God SS see straight through your bullsh*t and remove your boy. He deserves so much more than he is getting.

You may think you make better decisions when your son is around Jesse, but that is a hell of a burden to put on a child. Let him stay with your mum. He needs stability, and you can't provide that. Poor little boy.

" I hope there are no incriminating emails or texts about what went on yesterday" doesn't matter if there are or not. A hair sample will show usage over past 90 days, urine at least 7 days.

This will be my last post on any of your threads as I think you are manipulating and lying to us.

My only hope now is that you will do the right thing by NOT taking custody of your son. Your mother or your ex's parents could care for him or he could go into foster care. I don't think he's safe with either of you.

Plus a child is NOT a crutch for an addict to lean on especially such a young child.

I've been lured into supporting you and I now regret that.

If you care for your son at all you need to tell your Sw and mother that you're still using (I don't believe yesterday was a one off). And accept that at least for now you're not able to be a mother.

Quick addition

I also believe you WERE told to stay away from your ex and that this was a condition of keeping your child. And that's why you didn't tell anyone you were meeting him.

To then meet him, use drugs with him and sleep with him shows you care more about drugs and him than your child.

I don't regret trying to help. I would only regret if it made a situation worse. I think jesse is doing that all by herself though.

On reflection, you could be right.

She has said some of the right things and appeared to take stuff on board but then actions count the most of course.

My children, both in their 40's now, have similar problems, one is a drug addict and the other is a high functioning alcoholic. Neither has children fortunately.

Over many years I have learnt one huge lesson, they mean what they say when they say it, but are unable to follow through because they are addicts.

This poster is addicted to her partner and she cannot put her son first. Her mindset hasn't actually changed since she first started posting here, but she has learnt what to say to engage other posters.

This child is in a dangerous home, she is drinking, taking drugs and engaging with the father. The child is being used to help her, it's a disaster in the making.

Unfortunately it appears, from posts on other threads recently, that her son is already being affected by his surroundings

That's the downside of anonymous support websites.

Emotional vampirism. Unless we go and out her everywhere she goes, people can only respond to what they read.

I sometimes think people on Mumsnet treat threads like soap operas or movies, where a character has a problem, realises it, gets help and then lives happily ever after.

Real life isn't like that. It's far more messy and complicated.

Jesse started a thread a month or two ago complaining that her in-laws weren't giving enough support to her addict partner's recovery - despite the fact that he was still using heavily.

She's come from a background where illegal substance misuse is normal.

Now she's (more, but not completely) aware of her own bad relationship with D&A, she's separated from her partner and making efforts to be honest with her family and SW.

No, it's not perfect, far from it. And it's likely that she'll fuck up a few more times before improving the situation for good. You don't change a lifetime of poor decisions overnight.

But I think there's enough evidence of a change in mindset to keep encouraging her.

I'm not naive, there's an addict in my family that's causing mayhem at the moment. A small child is being affected. It's heartbreaking. But there is help out there for people who want it. And success stories of ex addicts parenting successfully. Some of them are on Mumsnet.

Indeed they are. But while an addict is still minimising and lying, I don't think a site like Mumsnet is helpful as the assistance required is way beyond it's scope.