Meeting to talk things through with newly separated H today. First time I've seen him since we split.

[YoJesse]

Me and my H separated a few weeks back after he became unstable following a drink /drugs binge over the course of a day whilst we had 3 year old ds with us. He's been battling addiction issues on/off for years (and to a lesser extent I have to but am sober now).

We've agreed to meet this weekend one to one to talk things through without anyone else like family or SW there (we have sw involvement) as we both think we need to speak honestly and personally just us). Ds is away with family at the moment so will not be confused to see Daddy.

I'm still feeling sad about the breakup and already cancelled meeting him last night as I feel weaker in the evening. I don't want to fall for any bullshit about how he's going to change etc. It really is the end now.

Any advice or tips on how to handle a tricky first meeting with an ex?

[YoJesse]

I do trust you, you've got me this far. The support on here has been overwhelming. I don't know what I was thinking.

[YoJesse]

X post. I think tonight I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I trust posters opinions on here over my him and until earlier over my own judgement. I was quickly proved that I have shitty judgment.

[YoJesse]

D & A counselling is going well. I genuinely like it. I always feel positive after and feel like I can make positive changes.

[AnyFucker]

Good to hear

[springydaffs]

Are you in a 12-step programme, Jesse?

Because telling yourself you'll be fine and you're over him (after 2 weeks!) is classic addictive behaviour. Re lying to yourself, sailing dangerously close to the wind, kidding yourself you won't have a problem. An addict picking up.

Don't bother with the shame, it's a waste of time. Just don't pick up and don't lie to yourself about picking up. It's possible to be addicted to a person. In fact it's quite common. Have you come across CoDA on your travels? Do take a look.

Do you go to al-anon?

[YoJesse]

I used to go to al anon but didn't really get on with it. I have one to one drug and alcohol counseling. It's an independent local charity andnot part of 12 step.
I just had a quick look at coda but will look properly in the morning.

[Baconyum]

I remember your previous threads and am glad the scales are BEGINNING to fall from your eyes, but there's still too many there.

I think it would be useful to think WHY you didn't tell anyone in real life you were meeting him. Because they'd have told you not to? Even been angry with you for doing so? Worried about you?

I really hope it's not part of ss involvement that you're not supposed to see him.

Frankly at least until he's been clean and sober a couple YEARS your ds better off without him.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

So he's gone..... Has he got keys? Did he take anything from your flat?

I was advised to block his number / email. I eventually took that advice. It will be the guilt tripping next.

My ex started calling threatening suicide. It gets to you jesse we are human after all. Block him. Don't let him into your space, physical or otherwise

You are doing well. Well done for owning up that you lied. That's not easy

[YoJesse]

I know we're better off without him. So glad he's not here this morning.

Yes he's got keys, I'm changing the locks tomorrow. SS didn't say I should not see him but I knew they'd have said it's not a good idea. He got most of his stuff whilst he was away. He came back to get a small stash of money (his, not mine) that he couldn't find when he came by last week and he was going this way to buy some weed from his usual man.

I had a sleep whilst he was out and when I woke up he was in bed too. It was for a second like nothing had happened.

I think the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail have began. Not suicide or anything that drastic but just saying things like we need to have a close relationship so he doesn't find himself telling ss what I'm like etc. Sounded plausible at the time. Not so much this morning. Number blocked.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Sounded "plausible"? Sounds like control and coercion to me.

When you next see your sw/d&a counsellor I suggest you appraise them of your meeting with your h and assure them that you won't be making that mistake again.

[summerwinterton]

you went to sleep and woke up to him in bed with you? Erm, are you ok, do you need the police? He sounds like he is blackmailing you into a relationship with him.

[YoJesse]

goddess yes I'll definitely tell my counselor. I don't know if it'll count against me if I tell sw.

No it wasn't like that at all summer fully consenting I'm ashamed to say.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Do you think he couldn't find this stash of money deliberately so he'd have an excuse to worm his way back in? And getting into bed with you while you were asleep? And blackmailing you?

I'd shop him and his nasty little dealers to the police

What a vile specimen

[AnyFucker]

It sounded "plausible"

Yes, like plausible blackmail. Does he have something on you that SS don't know ? You have form for withholding information that is clear so I suggest that you come fully clean with them so he has nothing to threaten you with.

Keep untangling the web, jesse. Don't have sex with him ever again.

[YoJesse]

I've just downplayed my own past drug and alcohol use to them. There's nothing he's got on me other than that and I guess his word can't be proved.

I don't think he's caperble of planning something like that costa. I'd moved it without him knowing.

I will not sleep with him again.

[AnyFucker]

OK. Take fuck all notice of his threats then. He is going to play dirty...you know that now.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I very much doubt it will count against you if you tell your sw that you screwed up by seeing your h and have learned a valuable lesson from doing so, but it may count against you if your h should "find" himself "telling ss what you're like" and includes the date on which he last saw you in the former marital home at your express invitation.

Had others here been aware that your 'one to one meeting' was scheduled to take place in your home I have no doubt that you would have been strongly urged to meet him elsewhere but, as it is, you're best advised to be upfront with your sw as this will go some way to establish that you're willing to learn from your mistakes and work with ss for the benefit of your ds.

You're also best advised to stop being so fucking devious; you may be able to lie to your family and to this board without penalty but I caution you against thinking you can fool ss with impunity as many others have made that mistake and lived to bitterly regret it.

[YoJesse]

Ok, that's actually really reassuring AF

Harsh but true goddess I'm not exactly my own fan right now. I surprised myself with how easily I could lie to my mum yesterday. it feels horrible though. other posters on other threads have warned me about twisting stories to SS. They are trained to see right through it so probably know I've struggled with some things too.

[AnyFucker]

You should really be honest with SS. It will not count against you if you demonstrating you are seeking help and dealing with your own issues (and leaving your ex to deal with his own)

[AnyFucker]

and yes, they will already be aware that you have been with holding information

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

I don't know your back story but I will tell you what often happens.

You have been contacting this man usually via phone.

He has all of the evidence and when it gets bad he is going to be able to show that to the SW, your calls, their duration and your texts.

To SW this will look like you have been deceitful.

To him it's his final hand.

Is your child on a CP plan? Or CiN plan?

[QuiteLikely5]

Don't think he won't do it to you, that he wouldn't risk your son being removed, they do it usually, to show you in a bad light.

[YoJesse]

Ok, that's not good.
He's on the cin plan. Originally the safeguarding person who reported us said it was most likely going to be a child protection plan, but it never mentioned again after our first meeting. They don't think ds is at risk of immediate harm but that we need some help parenting him properly. (it still kills me to talk about sw involvement. I hate the idea people don't think I'm looking after my son or caperble ).

[goddessofsmallthings]

As alcohol abuse and drug misuse impair judgement it can't be said that anyone who uses either or both substances to excess is capable of caring for a young dc or is fit to be in charge of one.

Being drunk in charge of a child under 7 years (10 in Scotland) in a public place is a criminal offence contrary to section 2(1) of the Licensing Act 1902, and being drunk in charge of a child in your own home is the criminal offence of child neglect.

[Isetan]

You lied so easily to you mum because your good at it from all the practice you've had and when you lie to her, SS, us etc it's just you still lying to yourself. Just like meeting him, was a convenient lie you told yourself to be in his company again without others holding you accountable.

Stay away from this man, he can not be trusted and you can not trust yourself around him. You have support and hopefully you're on the right path but it does take time.

In the future, if you feel the urge to lie you have to ask yourself, what truth am I hiding from.