Meeting to talk things through with newly separated H today. First time I've seen him since we split.

[YoJesse]

Me and my H separated a few weeks back after he became unstable following a drink /drugs binge over the course of a day whilst we had 3 year old ds with us. He's been battling addiction issues on/off for years (and to a lesser extent I have to but am sober now).

We've agreed to meet this weekend one to one to talk things through without anyone else like family or SW there (we have sw involvement) as we both think we need to speak honestly and personally just us). Ds is away with family at the moment so will not be confused to see Daddy.

I'm still feeling sad about the breakup and already cancelled meeting him last night as I feel weaker in the evening. I don't want to fall for any bullshit about how he's going to change etc. It really is the end now.

Any advice or tips on how to handle a tricky first meeting with an ex?

The best way to move on is to learn to accept an apology that you are never going to get.
You don't need to meet him. You SHOULDN'T be meeting him.

Practicalities over finances can be discussed by email.
Child contact issues are presumably being dealt with by social services?

You need to cancel this meeting. You still want him to be something that he's not. He's an addict and right now, you need him out of your life and your child needs to be protected from him. It is crazy to consider meeting him.

I haven't read any of your previous posts but agree with others that say you should not meet him.

A few weeks is no time at all. Nothing will have changed. He won't listen to you.

If it really is the end then you don't need to see him. Please cancel. Nothing good will come of this.

I think you are making a huge mistake meeting up with him. The strongest thing you can do is not meet. Say all you have to say over email.

If it's in your ds's best interests for you not to be with him, what more is there to say? Use mediation to sort out supervised contact if that is allowed and any kind of financial support of his child.

Other than that, you're done. There's nothing else to discuss. What is it that you want to say to him so deparately?

Sorry for not replying. I didn't cancel but it was ok.

oh good.

so what now?

I still don't know. I've got to concentrate on ds and myself. I don't think ilmeeting sorted anything out but I had to do it.

You were all right, I'm an idiot and was wrong. Obviously my last two posts were lies and I've just got rid of him. He came back to our flat to 'talk some more'. Came to my senses when my mum called to Skype ds's bathtime.

I've got to stay away from him. I kind of get what posters meant by he's likeanother drug.

Oh no. I guess you needed to do it to know for sure, but jeez don't do it again

I won't, it all felt empty and horrible after the initial excitement at being with him. I feel so ashamed

Are you seeing the real him without the rose tinted glasses?

Yeah, he wasn't in a good way. It was really sad to see. Ill looking, balled up sodding tissues constantly in his hands because of nosebleeds. I'm not used to seeing him down on himself. He usually acts like he's the king. It wore me down just like everyone on here and in rl said it would.

What was it he used to call himself? Mr invincible or something? Not so much the big man now eh?

You're well out of it - you can hope he'll sort himself out now but it's up to him - he's not your responsibility

No big surprises here.

The wadded up tissues were a clever touch.

You are waaaay out of your depth, Jesse

The only way to keep your head above water is NC

NC

jesse, the only person you are lying to is yourself

it's no skin off our noses if you welcome him back into your life, start smoking with him again and lose your son when he plays with some drug paraphernalia by sticking it up his nose

our lives carry on the same way as they ever did

take control

this isn't they way to do it...you are still handing him the reins

I have no clue what the back story here is. But WTF just happened here? I don't get what you mean by the 'last two posts were lies'. Lying to us? Lying to yourself? It's like you were in a trance and then you came back into the room in the space of a few hours. Is this the drug-like effect he has on you? I'm really confused, can you tell?!

Anyway, from the outside looking in, he sounds like a man who will and can only drag you down. Balled up tissues for nosebleeds? Around your child? Jesus Christ. OP, think of yourself and you kid and stay away from this man.

He's a drug and alcohol abuser

What is the point in lying to us? In fact, what is the point in posting at all if you're just going to lie?

As AF says, it makes not a jot of difference to any of us if you want to go ahead and waste your life on him.

It makes a difference to your son though but maybe that's not enough for you?

there's a huge back story, Ina

and it's not pretty

jesse has the potential to save her son and herself from a shitty life, and that's if her son is allowed to stay with her

but she is still in thrall to a drug abuser

she takes criticism well though, so I am still hopeful. Jesse, come on

Thanks Costa, got that bit. It's the whole 'lying' in her posts bit I don't get. It was weird... Anyway, my original post stands, stay away from him. It's not just you now and your child should not be around this man.

I won't have contact with him alone again. I had no idea he could have that hold on me. I thought you were all being dramatic because you couldn't see it like I do...

I'm taking control.

lying to myself and on the thread, pretending it all went exactly as I wanted it to and that everyone saying don't see him didn't understand.

"In thrall" that's the nail on the head right there, thanks AF. It's like she was in a trance saying everything was great and then a few hours later, once he left, she woke up and smelled the meth. Thank fuck she did though, right?

Jesse, you have great support here, I hope you use it. You have one life my dear, as does your kid. Live it and let your DS live his. This is not the way, it really isn't. I wish you the very, very best.

we understand only too well, jesse

don't you trust us yet ?

You see, to you he's unique and no-one else understands. To everyone else he's a useless, shambolic, aggressive, druggy, alcoholic

I remember your early thread berating his family for giving up on him - I think you now see what we all did then

I wonder which it is... < muses>

You trust him more (than us)

You trust yourself more (than us)

You trust him more than you, or anyone (even though he has done many things to destroy that trust)

you still have the pull to use yourself and so have massive sympathy for him

you don't know what the fuck you are doing

if it's the latter, there is hope for you if you keep posting and keep engaging with services

how is the drug counselling going ?