Meeting to talk things through with newly separated H today. First time I've seen him since we split.

[YoJesse]

Me and my H separated a few weeks back after he became unstable following a drink /drugs binge over the course of a day whilst we had 3 year old ds with us. He's been battling addiction issues on/off for years (and to a lesser extent I have to but am sober now).

We've agreed to meet this weekend one to one to talk things through without anyone else like family or SW there (we have sw involvement) as we both think we need to speak honestly and personally just us). Ds is away with family at the moment so will not be confused to see Daddy.

I'm still feeling sad about the breakup and already cancelled meeting him last night as I feel weaker in the evening. I don't want to fall for any bullshit about how he's going to change etc. It really is the end now.

Any advice or tips on how to handle a tricky first meeting with an ex?

[QuiteLikely5]

Ok Jesse, well I think it's reasonable to suggest he's on a CiN Plan as they believe you are safeguarding your son by having your ex removed from the home - if they think he is back on the scene then it may well snowball because although they understand you love him etc they will see this as you being unable to put your child's needs and wellbeing above your own needs/wants.

Your original referral must have been quite bad if they were going to put it straight to CP.

Listen to the SW, all they want is for your child to be safe, to meet his developmental milestones and for you to put his wellbeing first always. Once they are confident that you are doing this they will leave you alone but they need to see it happening.

Good luck with it all

[YoJesse]

I am safeguarding my son. I wouldn't have allowed any of what happened yesterday to happen if ds was with me.

It was just the one safeguarding (nurse?) who said 'i expect he'll be on a cp plan' but when the social workers came on the scene it wasn't mentioned again.

I know people have constantly questioned this but ds is absolutely my focus and main concern. not drink /drugs, not dh and not myself

[summerwinterton]

Can you ask your mum for help/support. You say she Skyped for bathtime - what is that all about? Checking up on you? If she is, then perhaps you could go stay with her for a while and let her help you create some healthy boundaries?

[YoJesse]

She and my family are looking after ds till I get childcare sorted out. She may well be checking up on me.I was at hers all last week and she's given me some money to sort out a childminder as h looked after him whilst I was at work. He's almost eligible for some free hours now. She knows what's going on. Not about yesterday but everything else. I can't just up and leave as me and ds have lots of appointments and meetings coming up.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I surprised myself with how easily I could lie to my mum yesterday. it feels horrible though

Does it feel sufficiently "horrible" to stop you lying to your dm again?

Fwiw sws aren't trained to "see through it". Some are more savvy and streetwise than others, but are you willing to risk having your ds removed from your care because you underestimated a sw's ability to get the measure of you and your tendency to sin by omission?

However, my "harsh' words", of which there will undoubtedly be more if you continue to deceive all and sundry, were motivated purely by my concern that you may be labouring under the misapprehension that sws only work 9-5 Mon-Fri. If this should be the case, you need to wise up fast as many others whose dc have been removed by ss and put up for adoption can testify otherwise.

If, as I suspect, you have been told not to have unsupervised contact with your h or, as an exercise in damage limitation, you assured your sw that you would not be having any contact with him, maybe you should consider how it would look in court if it was reported that on Saturday 21 May Jesse's h arrived at her home at (time) and subsequently left at (time) when he went to the premises of a known drug dealer returning to Jesse's home at (time) where he remained until he left at (time)?

While you may believe that you have successfully downplayed your own prediliction for drugs and booze, you would do well to remember that you'could be asked to take a blood/hair strand test at any time.

The writing's on the wall, Jesse, and ignoring it can only bring heartache to you and distress to your ds, not to mention your dm who you deliberately set out to dupe in order to entertain your h at your home.

[YoJesse]

Obviously it's not the first time I've lied to her. I've been lying to everyone for the last few years. Every time I downplayed or enabled his behaviour I've been lying. I get that now. It felt horrible because it was a barefaced lie that I couldn't convince myself was the truth and I know she's worried about me

I'm working with the social worker. I know it's for the best and I've never ducked them or been hostile at all. Your breakdown of what happened yesterday looks bad. It would look like I was using with him.

I'm going to tell them I've been struggling with things at the next meeting so he can't get in there first.

[AnyFucker]

Tell them everything, Jesse. Then tell them you are going to do what has been advised by them, us and your family

And do not deviate from it

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

Yojesse did you use any drugs or drink yesterday when he was there?

[YoJesse]

Yes. We shared a couple of spliffs. Not proud of myself.

[AnyFucker]

[Costacoffeeplease]

FFS - is this all just a game?

[AnyFucker]

Jesse, are you trying to test our boundaries ? Is this an experiment to see how far you can stretch the sisterly solidarity you have had ? You don't want things to change do you...you want them to stay exactly the same.

[YoJesse]

You said there was no point posting lies. Would have loved to say I didn't smoke any but that'd achieve fuck all.

[AnyFucker]

why did you wait until someone actually asked a very precise question ?

you are coming across as manipulative as he is

[Costacoffeeplease]

No there's no point posting lies - but really, after all you've been through these past months, it comes down to this. Secret meeting with him, inc sex and drugs, you know you've played into his hands SS wise? I hope there are no incriminating emails or texts about what went on yesterday

[YoJesse]

Things have changed. That's because I wanted them to. I'm not going to dwell on yesterday. Would you have even believed me if I said no to exasperateds question?

[Fairenuff]

Is that what he was going to blackmail you about?

[YoJesse]

Yes, although he didn't say it outright

[AnyFucker]

You played right into his hands. You have not learned a thing.

[Choughed]

YoJesse I think I've read all of your threads. You come across as someone really trying to do the right thing. It's hard. You'll get things wrong. But keep on keeping on. Because the alternative is unthinkable.

[YoJesse]

I didn't think he could be so manipulative, (I'm not shifting the blame, I know that lies with me).
For a few hours it all seemed ok because ds is away at the moment. Then after it was awful and I just started crying, telling him to leave.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

You have fucked up majorly but you NEED to learn from it. You need to tell your therapist and the ss so he can't manipulate you with this and blackmail you. And to be honest since your mother's looking after your child and giving you loans of money to get child care to help you move on from this relationship, she deserves the truth too to hear you have relapsed with the drugs and your dh.

Learn from this! And realise you still are not fully in control of yourself and don't put yourself in the same situation again.

[AnyFucker]

You are an addict, Jesse.

You are a liar and a manipulator. You are no better than him.

[YoJesse]

I've told her this evening before posting on here. She's bringing ds back tomorrow because she thinks, and I do too, that he stabilises me so I'll make better decisions.

She's still reeling from everything I told her so I'm feeling shitty for putting all of this on her now. She acted like she didn't believe it when I was home, as in surprised I declined a drink with her after telling her everything. I think this is breaking it down for her.