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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to think DP should get himself up in the morning?

317 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 19/05/2016 12:23

He sets about 3 alarm his phone but turns them all off and goes back to sleep until I come up and say it's 8 / ten past whatever. He then blames me for him being in a rush, calls me rude/ignorant etc. My daughterlikes to be early for school so we leave at 8.25/8.30 but he adds stress to it all by holding us up and sometimes (like this morning) smoking in the car which DD hates (she knows it's illegal too!)

I've told him I will stop talking to him in the morning as its just upsetting. I don't see why I should be spoken to like that. He says he ddoesn't know why I'm like it as though I'm the rude one.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/05/2016 19:44

OP, your DH is a twat and you should LTB.

However, your text exchange was nuts. What were you trying to achieve with it? Me: Sat on my own crying now. Thanks for your love and support.I am sick of this miserable life. That's a really weird text to send. His responses were nasty victim blaming crap. They made my blood boil. Your follow up was weird too. As long as you can blame me it's all fine. I don't think things will ever improve.

I can't see what you were trying to get out of him.

In the first you made an allusion towards suicide, in the second towards divorce. I totally believe he's an abusive twat but those texts make you sound like you revel in being a martyr.

Marmite123 · 19/05/2016 19:49

OP, I'm sorry you didn't get much help when you rang Women's Aid, but you were right to call them and right to be thinking about leaving. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable. It is manipulative and abusive.

Perhaps you could talk to your midwife or GP. 30% of domestic abuse starts during pregnancy and they should know about local support services which hopefully will be able to provide you with more help than the phone line did.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/domestic-abuse-pregnant.aspx

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/05/2016 20:32

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He's not 5 years old. Hes big enough and ugly enough to get his own butt out of his Pitt

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 19/05/2016 21:07

RunRabbit I don't always make a lot of sense. I was obviously being sarcastic when I wrote "thanks for the love and support" and as for being sick of this life, I am and I would rather not wake up tomorrow.
In the second text I said about him blaming me as that's what he always
does and seems to think it justifies his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 19/05/2016 21:10

He just lost his temper and snatched DD's phone off her hurting her in the process. Tried to push/manhandle me but he knows I'll call the police if he does. I've been called a c*nt and other things since he's been home.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 19/05/2016 21:18

If you'd call the police if he hurt you, why aren't you calling the olive for hurting your DD?

Pico2 · 19/05/2016 21:18

Police, not olive.

Catnuzzle · 19/05/2016 21:30

He's just assaulted your daughter. Call the police.

FlowersAndShit · 19/05/2016 22:43

Why the fuck are you having another child with this twat? Why???

dcourtney · 19/05/2016 22:51

I just want to say, this IS domestic violence. Just cos it isn't physical does not mean it's not abuse. It IS abuse.

And for the record, I lived in a refuge for a few months after I left my ex and he never once hit me. So call WA again and tell them you are experiencing domestic abuse and find out if there are any refuges able to take you. You're in a vulnerable position, and I'd be willing to bet that there's a lot more going on that you haven't mentioned.

Finally, I want to say that any coercive sexual activity is sexual abuse, which really IS physical abuse. I have no idea if you have experienced that, but I did and didn't realise it was abuse til much later.

Please don't let anyone tell you you aren't experiencing abuse, what's happening to you is wrong and illegal. FlowersFlowersFlowers

BoatyMcBoat · 19/05/2016 23:14

He is abusive. He has hurt your dd. Call the police and get him out of your life.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/05/2016 23:16

Call Women's Aid and tell them he's hurt your daughter. You really do have to face the fact that neither of you are safe with this man. He has hurt your child, he is dangerous. Please act.

ohtheholidays · 19/05/2016 23:39

OP I hope you and your DD are okay?Please give the Police or WA a ring.He is abusive and now he has hurt your DD,your DD has no say in any of this you have to speak up for her and make sure that she's safe,the best way to do that is to report what he's done.

TwirlsInTwirlsOutAgain · 20/05/2016 00:15

Get yourself and your daughter up and off to school without him. Why stress out your own day trying to parent a grown adult??

This! I presume he doesn't do the school run with you, and that you don't need him to take you in any way?
If not, I'd be leaving him to it, he's an adult and you're not his bloody mum!!
No wonder he turns the alarms off if he knows he can get an extra snooze in as you'll shout him awake at the last minute.
To expect you to do that and then give you grief for doing what he obviously wants you to do is bang out of order and just downright cheeky!!
Leave him to sort himself out.
Just seen your post where you say school is a 10 to 15 minute drive away. Can't you do it without him? If he needs the car in any way for work or whatever, can you walk it? Surely it wouldn't be that far.
As for whoever it was who said he might not be a morning person, well, I'm completely allergic to mornings and hate getting up early but you know what? I do because I have to!

TwirlsInTwirlsOutAgain · 20/05/2016 00:26

Worra school is 2.3 miles away so a bit far to walk.

Just spotted this - that's totally doable. Worth it for the peace of mind in a morning and not waiting around for people to decide whether they're going to wake up in time or not!
A mile = approx. 20 minutes so a two mile one would be 40 minutes or just over in your case.
I've always walked just over a mile on the school run since mine were 4 years old and they always managed fine, so yours would walk fine too if they had to! Wakes you up in a morning too lol

seeyounearertime · 20/05/2016 00:38

I just read the thread, I hope you and your DD are okay OP.
Nothing to add that hasn't been said though really. Totally useless Flowers for you.

TwirlsInTwirlsOutAgain · 20/05/2016 00:39

CremeEggThief wait for it....
HE CAN'T BLOODY DRIVE!

Shock so you're doing him a favour all round, with the driving as well. Throw him a bus timetable, and I suppose this is what they mean by drip feeding being confusing as all this extra information outside of the OP could totally change the abruptness and tone of some of the replies and you'd get more measured and nice responses.
He sounds like an arse the more and more I read. Sad

groovergirl · 20/05/2016 00:46

OP, I've just read the whole thread and am concerned for you. Your situation sounds horribly like my own a few years ago.

PPs are right, he is an abusive thug. The problems you are facing now will only get worse with time. Your DD seems very stressed and probably sees school as her refuge from the misery at home.

Life as a LP is far from cruisy one has to rock some major logistics re work, school runs, household management and so on but it is so much easier and happier than grim endurance of a bad marriage.

When XH and I parted my DD went from a B student to an A student and her asthma miraculously disappeared (perhaps because she wasn't constantly holding her breath).

OP, you sound extremely well organised, sensible and competent. You don't need this selfish,, abusive narc. You can do this alone. And your DC will thrive.

Do you have friends or family who could share the load while you get on your feet?

Iknownuffink · 20/05/2016 01:05

You are not his mother.

You have a child to get to school.

You are not his mother.

He is a behaving like a complete tosser and should be treated as such.

You are not his mother.

AyeAmarok · 20/05/2016 01:26

He's a horrible waste of space.

waitingforsomething · 20/05/2016 02:01

He sounds like an unpleasant man-child. I have never ever got my DH up for work. He sets an alarm for 7am and gets up then. However, our kids are little and often get up before 7 so he gets up for them at least half the week. If I'm up already he gets himself up, because I am not his mother.

ohtheholidays · 20/05/2016 08:44

Getting really worried about you and your DD OP I really hope your both okay? Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2016 08:45

Unfortunately family often don't like to see change.
Your DM is probably of the mindset that you stay and make it work, no matter what.
You certainly learnt that this type of abuse is acceptable at some point and it's usually from your upbringing.

I hope you manage to get yourself and your poor DD out of this awful situation very soon.
CAB - give them a call and make an appointment asap.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2016 08:46

He will likely ramp up the abuse now he senses a change in you.
Be safe and do what you need to do to get through this until you are able to leave.

ZestyMaximus · 20/05/2016 09:04

Hi OP. How are you this morning? I've been worried about you. I hope you and dd are okay Flowers