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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

276 replies

JasmineFlowers · 16/05/2016 22:05

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

OP posts:

Lighteningirll · 17/05/2016 15:23

My friend did this the ow marriage broke up and my friends dh was furious the end result was my friend became the vicious nasty one and her dh left her to protect OW from her furious dh. Two destroyed marriages when my friend wanted so badly to work on her marriage. If you want to get over this affair direct your anger at your own dh don't direct at someone who is totally beneath you and should be irrelevant.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2016 16:12

Lighten, your friend is better off without her DH. I'm glad she told the OW's h and her husband showed his true colours because there was never going to be any 'getting over' his cheating when he obviously still had such strong feelings for his lover. The OW obviously wasn't totally beneath your friend and irrelevant if her ex h got back with her.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/05/2016 16:21

Thank you IrianOfWay.. Hope you are ok now.

Lighteningirll · 17/05/2016 16:27

I agree but she doesn't. Many people work through the damage and devastation of an affair for her, her actions took that chance away at a point when with counselling they were sorting things out. If she'd done it straight away in the heat of the fallout it might of been ok but she didn't. What she did put her in the wrong in her husband's eyes and honestly quite a few of our other friends. The focus needs to be on your own marriage and the parts you have both played in it getting to the stage that an affair happened. You can't repair a marriage til you do that.

IrianofWay · 17/05/2016 16:37

" The focus needs to be on your own marriage and the parts you have both played in it getting to the stage that an affair happened"

Nope. An affair doesn't 'happen'. It isn't like bad weather or a sprained ankle. It is carried out by someone on purpose. And the fact that there may or may not have been issues with the relationship beforehand is irrelevant in recovering from the affair. If there are any pre-affair issues to be raised, that happens when the damage from the affair is being addressed and they are never used as an excuse.

MistressDeeCee · 17/05/2016 16:39

The OW obviously wasn't totally beneath your friend and irrelevant if her ex h got back with her

Exactly. The friend dodged a bullet there, her DH did her a favour leaving, and the judgey friends sound no better. Likely didn't judge the DH for having an affair and are pally with he and his new lady love. If she hadn't told the OW's DH she'd still be futilely working to save a marriage that was a sham. Its laughable the DH took the "moral ground" by protecting the OW from her DH. I hope by now friend is aware that its better to deal with and get over the hurt over time, than be surrounded by people who don't have your back.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2016 16:53

From Lightengirl
My friend did this the ow marriage broke up and my friends dh was furious the end result was my friend became the vicious nasty one and her dh left her to protect OW from her furious dh. Two destroyed marriages when my friend wanted so badly to work on her marriage. If you want to get over this affair direct your anger at your own dh don't direct at someone who is totally beneath you and should be irrelevant.

------

If your friend's H Left for this reason..then he was NEVER remorseful to begin with and she's better off without him.

Chances are the affair never ended.. otherwise if they were truly over.. The OW should not have contacted him about her broken marriage.

I don't understand why people think it's okay to have an affair with someone and just expect nothing negative to come from that.

From an early age you learn that bad behaviour has a consequence. If you misbehave in school you get detention, if you jump a red light or park on zig zag lines you get fined.

So why would this be any different? What makes you think you get to mess someone's life up and getaway with zero consequences?

The reason for consequences is to deter a repetition of the behaviour. I seriously question the mindset of those who have think it's okay.

If your marriage breaks up as a result of your infidelity you have ONE person to blame and that is YOURSELF. No IFS no BUTS.... and no MAYBES. It isn't a grey area and you OW better accept 100% of the blame.

SueTrinder · 17/05/2016 16:56

I would want to know. And so I'd tell the OWs H. But, don't be angry, tell him in person, and do it from the right place and be mindful of his feelings in all this. He needs to know so he can make an informed decision about his own marriage. Don't encourage him to leave if you aren't making the same decision.

If you are staying with your H or not is irrelevant, you are making an informed choice, he deserves the same.

People who are saying 'don't tell', wouldn't you want to know?

SandyY2K · 17/05/2016 16:57

Just to add ... blaming anyone but the person who had the affair, is a failure to accept responsibility for your poor behaviour.

yorkshireteaa · 17/05/2016 17:00

I would.

UptheAnty · 17/05/2016 17:16

Everything that sandy said.

Well said it was too 👏

expatinscotland · 17/05/2016 17:34

'Many people work through the damage and devastation of an affair for her, her actions took that chance away at a point when with counselling they were sorting things out. If she'd done it straight away in the heat of the fallout it might of been ok but she didn't. What she did put her in the wrong in her husband's eyes and honestly quite a few of our other friends. The focus needs to be on your own marriage and the parts you have both played in it getting to the stage that an affair happened. You can't repair a marriage til you do that.'

No, his actions took that chance away. This is victim-blaming in the extreme here. What she did put her in the wrong in his eyes when he was the one fucking someone else and still in touch with the OW despite being in counselling to save his shame of the marriage? And 'friends' who follow this line of thinking are arseholes, not friends.

They weren't sorting out FA because he was still in touch with the other woman.

You can't repair a marriage when that's true.

Her marriage was over the second he started fucking someone else and stayed in contact with that person.

The focus should never be on victim blaming.

Meadowmix · 17/05/2016 19:36

My ex-dh had two affairs. I think it's just better that everyone involved knows what's happened.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2016 20:24

UptheAunty

Thanks very much.

deutschland83 · 17/05/2016 20:29

Hey jasmine, read my thread on texting the OW. Lots of people talked me out of it but I sit here thinking of it every minute of each day.

Only the support and words on that thread stop me.

I have her number, her Facebook, access to her husband in Facebook.

I don't know what to do with my anger yet but I hold on to the fact that it will either not end well or give me zero resolution if I do.

However, I know exactly where you are. It takes two and why should my life be it tatters but hers not?

fryingtoday · 17/05/2016 20:31

If the other husband some time in the future asked why you hadn't told him as it led to x many wasted years with his deceitful wife, what would you reply?

deutschland83 · 17/05/2016 20:35

Is that for me Fry? I simply don't know.

I feel wrong that she takes no blame in this.

I am barely getting dressed in the morning yet I did no wrong and she did a lot if the chasing.

Why then the sentiment on my thread that me contacting OW or her husband is the totally wrong thing to do?

It's lonely on the moral high ground

deutschland83 · 17/05/2016 20:36

I mean I have never felt so alone and unable to feel what I think will be justice done.

whensitmyturn · 17/05/2016 20:46

Can't see your thread deutschland but why can't you tell the husband?
I did and it made me feel much better 1 because I thought he had a right to know and 2 because exactly like you say why should her life carry on nicely?

Easybee7692 · 17/05/2016 20:51

I would be extremely wary of this because unless you know the husbands temperament this could cause all sorts of problems for your DH as well has his wife.

This happened to someone who lived on our estate and it led to her DH being severely beaten up by the husband. It was that bad that the man who did it was charged. This happened outside his house with the kids watching.

Be very careful because there are people out there who are violent and can resort to this sort of thing.

Revenge thoughts are nice but sometimes better left as that.

deutschland83 · 17/05/2016 21:03

Sorry I am crashing this thread jasmine.

My thread is called 'should I text this woman' it's in relationships.

I have taken the advice on the thread of 'DONT' 'it's the worst thing you can do' 'focus on your DHs' behaviour.

However she has been the most inappropriate one of the two from the messages I found.

Nobody will answer my question if why not? I just keep being told it will not end well.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 21:10

if you want to do it, deutsch, then do it

it's not mandatory to take the majority advice on MN nobody ever takes mine anyway

notonyurjellybellynelly · 17/05/2016 21:13

Ipost - this is to acknowledge your post of a few pages ago. It was heartfelt, and all to sadly familiar.

fastdaytears · 17/05/2016 21:28

Nobody will answer my question if why not? I just keep being told it will not end well

I don't think I read your thread, but I would have said that it won't end well. So many reasons, the risk of OW's partner going crazy and telling the whole world and it getting back to your kids (sorry, don't know if you have any) or other people you don't want to hear, the risk of the OW getting kicked out and then getting together with your DH while saying what a crazy person you are, but mostly just that it won't make you feel better.

LucySnow12 · 17/05/2016 21:35

Definitely tell him. You should actually speak to him. This is the advice from any infidelity website. First, he has the right to know what's been going on in his marriage. Second, this stops the affair from starting up again or going underground.

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