Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

Anyfucker, you posted and your advice stood out.

I want to deal with it between DH and I, it must end.

Making everyone aware seems the logical thing to do, so it never starts again and all parties involved know the facts.

Without it, what's to stop her?

It won't mean that the affair won't start up again, though it might make it harder. It could push them together, as people have said. It will give the OW much less to lose. But if it's not really over then it's better that you know.

You can't rely on her husband stopping her from having another affair.

You have to rely on your husband not to cheat again. Not with her, not with anyone.

I'd tell. I'd want to know if I was in that situation. I would want to for the same reasons as you as well.

There is nothing stopping it, work colleagues free to chat and use electronic communications I have no access to.

Lunch, break times, meetings.

I can monitor phones, iPads etc, his location out of work but they will always be in the same place 40 hours a week.

So my level of trust has to be huge that he is doing what he claims.

So far I don't think she knows that I have seen all of there messages.

That's why I need something else to give me leverage, respite from this and a way of someone else monitoring it

I did tell the OW's partner.

I also couldn't see why she could be partly responsible for the hurt I was feeling & suffer no consequences of her own.

With hindsight, it didn't help.

Sorry if this has been asked before OP. Why did the affair end??
Was it because they were " found out" ;was it because it had run it's course or perhaps one or both of them thought it was not worth risking their marriages for.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler I remember your thread, hope you're doing well...

I couldn't bring myself to tell the OW's DH. I decided I couldn't put someone else through the pain I was going through.

Although, in hindsight, I know I wasn't actually the cause of the pain.

I would, mainly because if my DH were cheating on me I'd want to know so that I could make a decision about my future. Do it OP, he deserves to know.

to everyone on here being treated badly by their other half.

I had no idea it was so common until I posted - I just can't imagine behaving like that.

Go for it, tell him!! I definitely would. Especially if the ow knew about me before the affair started, why should she carry on with her life with her dh when yours is suffering due to ow and your dh's affair?

It's not right, and like pp have said, the man is already hurt but don't know it.

I would want to know if my DP had been cheating. And I would also want to rip her face off and shove it down her neck after I shat on it!! (Yes I have been cheated on).

Deutsch I see what you mean, but you can't live like that. If you make it too hard to be her, what stops him doing it with someone else he works with? What about if her partner leaves her? Or if she decides that she'll leave? She could be single and that'd make it worse.

You can't live like this because you're the one thst suffers and that's not fair. It shouldn't be your responsibility to fix this. You can't police his every moment. You can't police even half of it. You'll drive yourself mad. Its his responsibility to win back your trust, and if he can't do it, there's no future. Well, there is, but it's probably going to involve a breakdown of some level.

If you want to tell her partner, I'm not judging that. It's your decision and it always will be. I don't think it'll help you keep him faithful though, and I don't want you to build up to tell him and then find that it doesn't have the effect you prepared for. It sounds like you've been disappointed enough...

Put yourself first here OP

Presumably your main focus is saving your own marriage. How does telling the OW's DH fit in with that?

In my case I didn't tell the OW's H but that was because the OW lived a Jeremy Kyle existence anyway and it would have happily fuelled the drama. But I quite liked having that power & used it to evict exH double quick. Your case is different. How would 'firebombing' the OW's marriage help yours? If it helps have DH see you behaving assertively/strongly & with a women one does not mess with, then do so. If you think any resultant fallout or guilt re any innocent kids/the OW's H will return to plague you (yes, I know the OW didn't think of them, but you have v different values) , then don't do anything, you have enough on your plate.

You are the important one here.

I have, over the past 20 years, seen this scenario play out 3 times - wronged partner telling the other half of the OW/OM. I have never seen it work out and mostly it has hurt the innocent parties the most. I've never seen it help anyone.

But then, I get it isn't really about helping. It is lashing out and I guess that's human. God knows I wanted to nail the OW to a post when it happened to me.

Actually, I'd contact the OW myself and threaten that I will tell her dh. I won't tell her when I would do it but that I would and I'd bloody let her stew about it a looooong time.

Spill the beans........He deserves to know!

Force your DH to tell the OW's DH.....would he do that for you?

This has happened to me twice and both times I've informed the husband.

People who are saying no have obviously never been cheated on. Poor guy deserves to know

Matrix, I take it you took your cheating DH back both times..why?

I would and I did. Saved the poor guy from marrying her, but I also kicked my cheating 'dp' to the kerb.
Do both and move on

Another , unfortunately no. Two separate husbands.

My h only confessed because he knew her husband was going to tell me. I'd rather have not known. It's messed up everything.

I wouldn't, because I would be nervous about the blowback. Do you want this guy showing up at your front door?

I understand the temptation, but I wouldn't yield to it.