Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

OurBlanche The point that is getting frequently overlooked here is that the OP has (supposedly) given her husband a 'get out of jail free' card, letting him off the hook essentially. The one who actually made vows to love, honour and worship her with his body etc. He's getting a bly.

But she doesn't want to extend that courtesy to the OW. Oh no. She wants her house to burn down around her. Why? because she's hurting and wants revenge. Not because she is 'concerned' one iota about the OW husband's dignity. Not because she cares about their children if they have any, no. Just because she's angry and wants pure revenge.

That is double standards and wrong. To want it is natural, and understandable to a point, to do it is well, not nice at the very very least.

Oh! So OP just said "OK dear, that's nice!" did she?

Ah well, that makes it all 1950s right then!

I'd have a lot more truck with telling him if it wasn't three months past the big reveal. Doing it in the heat of the moment when you're going through the stress and emotional turmoil in the days and weeks after, fair enough, but to do it now (and on the assumption that it's truly over) is different. That's quite a calculated move. If the normal notions of "being the last to know/being complicit/protecting cheaters" are true then you've been doing that for quite a while. What you really want is to cause her pain, but there's quite a lot of collateral damage with that course of action and the blowback on you could be quite spectacular. The OW is unlikely to be in a great place mentally right now anyway, for the reasons I said before.

I'm one of the few in the "rather not know" camp so that is definitely colouring my view.

I have no idea what you're on about Blanche, but you're quite right on one thing, we don't live in the 1950s, where women fail to hold their men responsible for their own actions and apportion harder punishment on the scarlet woman who led him astray.

You'd rather not know that you are living and sharing your life with a lying cheating scumbag who is putting your sexual and mental health at risk!!!????
WOW - OK then!

If the affair was over, it was a one-off, they'd gone their separate ways, regretted it, and I didn't suspect anything? Yes. People make mistakes and in those circumstances I would choose to continue the relationship if we had a family anyway so I don't think there'd be any benefit to me knowing.

The same would not apply in the case of serial cheating, if the relationship continued in any way or if I had any suspicions whatsoever.

Antiquesinger

Reconciliation after an affair is NOT a get out of jail card. You have no idea what conditions were stipulated for the OP to agree.

Even if that is your logic , why should she extend the same courtesy to someone she didn't make vows with? She owes her nothing, as was the thinking when the OW had the affair.

Forgiveness is part of marriage.

It's very simple ... if you don't want your husband told about your affair then DON'T have one. It's not rocket science.

the OP has (supposedly) given her husband a 'get out of jail free' card, letting him off the hook essentially. The one who actually made vows to love, honour and worship her with his body etc. He's getting a bly. that's 'what I am on about' You seem to have made up a scenario that has nothing to do with the OP.

Do you really think Op simply accepted her Hs actions and moved on? She said not... she said she wasn't blaming the OW more than him: from the OP DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

He isn't 'getting a by'. OP is rightly furious and 3 months on is still processing what has happened. She is entitled to consider any (legal) action she wants. She doesn't have to be constrained by some extra purity of soul, higher sense of morals or even good old fashioned fair play.

That and, as other, including myself have said, the OWs OH has every right to know about the affair and all the fantasising about how he will respond is putting a hell of a lot of blame on the OP - indeed it sounds a lot like victim shaming.... which is exactly what those who cheat rely on... nothing like a little bit of shame to keep you quiet!

hells --- You'd rather not know that you are living and sharing your life with a lying cheating scumbag who is putting your sexual and mental health at risk!!!????
WOW - OK then!

Outside the confides of MN, in the harsh reality of life (kids, home, futures, divorce separating a family, growing old etc etc ) I believe most people would rather not know (of an isolated incident) as The Craic says.

He isn't 'getting a by' Of he's getting a hard time. Quite rightly. But he is being forgiven.

OP is rightly furious. Agreed.

She is entitled to consider any (legal) action she wants. She doesn't have to be constrained by some extra purity of soul, higher sense of morals or even good old fashioned fair play.

Essentially what you're saying here is that her malicious actions (she has said she is motivated only by revenge) will be justified even though her actions will impact at least one other individual other than the OW, so she can feel better able to move on with her husband whom she's forgiven?

OH has every right to know about the affair and all the fantasising about how he will respond is putting a hell of a lot of blame on the OP. It's not fantasising. It is presenting very possible scenarios. The problem with advocating that the OP tell, is that you inherently assume a lot about what the response and outcome will be, when in fact it is a veritable Pandora's box filled with unseeable consequences for both parties.

I would do it. They fucked you over, you should do whatever will make you feel better. Show them they can't walk all over you anymore. Sorry this has happened to you, good luck in the future

Wow - that surprises.
I'd much rather know.
In fact I was livid with so called friends who didn't tell me!
Although my ExH was a long term affair, I would soooo want to know.
It's why so many men (and women) do it and get away with it so often.
No consequences. No morals.

And if they do get away with it they are far more likely to do it again!!

No. Absolutely not. I've read the beginning and end of thread but not whole thing so don't know if there are kids involved but if there are then even more reason not to get involved. I can totally understand how hurt you must feel but you'd be potentially ripping apart a family simply to get revenge. No good would come of it. Focus on your own relationship and move on.

I wouldn't send a letter, it could be intercepted by OW (esp if your DH tips her off). I'd go to the house, when he is home (weekend say) and tell him face to face.

But he is being forgiven and OW Dh deserves the right to make the same decision for his relationship

Essentially what you're saying here is that her malicious actions (she has said she is motivated only by revenge) will be justified even though her actions will impact at least one other individual other than the OW, so she can feel better able to move on with her husband whom she's forgiven?confused You will remain confused for as long as you can't apply that to the OW too.

It's not fantasising. It is presenting very possible scenarios Scenarios which have been imagined, made up in their entirety.

The problem with advocating that the OP does not tell, is that you inherently assume a lot about what the response and outcome will be, when in fact it is a veritable Pandora's box filled with unseeable consequences for both parties. Quite right!

God, why drag out the drama?

If you've decided to forgive your husband and work through it, concentrate on that.

You run the risk of pissing your husband off and back into the arms of OW, or OW's husband might be built like a brick shithouse and ready to knock seven shades out of your husband.

If either of those scenarios seem worth the risk, I suggest you rethink your original decision to try to forgive.

I absolutely agree that none of us can know what the OW’s H would prefer, or what the outcome would be and I think a lot of people are projecting their own personal feelings and preferences onto the situation.

I think my only feeling remains that it’s sh*tty to hurt someone else purely out of malice, which is what the OP would be doing to the OW’s H (which is my making a bit of a moral judgement. Might not be right, but I feel anything done to cause hurt is normally a bad idea) and I think she shouldn’t do it unless she’s prepared to accept whatever consequences come her way, which isn’t victim shaming, it’s just accepting the reality of the situation.

Yes, maybe she’ll tell the OW’s H and he’ll say “my goodness! Thank you for telling me! I realize now my wife is a trollop and I’ll kick her out forthwith, and then you’ll never hear from either of us again” but I don’t think that’s very realistic. And I think if OP goes into this situation with that expectation, she’ll just get badly hurt if it does blow up in her face.

Yes do it! I love your honesty. You sound like a very intelligent and interesting person, you deserve better than your current husband.

just laughing at the idea that OP should not rile the possible brick shit house husband of the woman he has been shagging!

Oh, the irony!

"Reconciliation after an affair is NOT a get out of jail card. You have no idea what conditions were stipulated for the OP to agree."

Oh good lord! I totally agree. It makes me so fucking angry to see this sentiment on here.!! Reconciliation is not for the faint-hearted. If I had been in my H's shoes 3 years ago (and for much of the following 2 years TBH) I'd have wanted to run away. I put him through hell, not because I hated him and wanted to hurt him but because I couldn't help it. I was in turmoil and needed to have him HEAR me and hear my pain and confusion. He did, he stayed, he held me, he showed me love and remorse again and again and again, and more generosity of spirit than I think I could have done.

OW owed me nothing which is OK because she gave me nothing - not a word of apology, not a word of explanation, in spite of the fact that I knew her quite well and had tried to befriend her as her marriage was supposedly dreadful and coming to an end. I think I was quite within my rights to dislike her. i didn't tell for her sake, i didn't tell for mine and my children.

IrianOfWay - how long was it before you stopped showing him the pain, etc and you got back to a better way of relationship?

I would tell him and I would leave my H. If you send that letter how do you think your H will react? OW will likely go complaining to him that you ruined get life.

I think you need to concentrate on more important matters OP.
When are you divorcing the cheat?
If you're not, why not?

The OW could be a long like of OWs. Your DH is the common factor linking them.
Why are you doing the "choose me dance" by being vengeful and spiteful to a woman and her family?
Maybe she and her DH have an open marriage and are laughing their socks off at all the wives letters they get... You know nothing about her, and it's not important you do, unless you're doing the choose me dance.

Sort out your own house first and LTB

Get some therapy, get some self respect. Sorry your DH cheated on you.

Good luck.

I'd tell him and say that I had herpes, but that's cos I'm a bitch.

I'm not sure. Right from the start we had good times as well as bad times - we still loved each other and were good friends. But the bad times were far more frequent than the good ones and I am sure H thought he was married to two women. I guess it was over a year before we could go for weeks without tears and shouting and endless questions (from me). By 2 years it was rare but not unheard of for me to have a meltdown. And it has got slowly better since. We went to MC at about 8 months and I had IC at about 4 months.

He had had the patience of a saint and that isn't cancelled our by the fact he behaved like a shit for 6 months 4 years ago.