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Original poster

Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

276 replies

JasmineFlowers · 16/05/2016 22:05

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

OP posts:
whensitmyturn · 17/05/2016 07:07

I would and I did.
Ignore the posters saying don't lower yourself YOU didn't do anything wrong and neither did the ow's husband.
If they stay together that's neither here nor there but why should her world remain untouched while yours has imploded.

Branleuse · 17/05/2016 07:08

Do it. Her husband deserves to know

UptheAnty · 17/05/2016 07:11

Do it.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/05/2016 07:11

I received a letter from a husband who's wife had been at it with my husband. It arrived ten minutes after DH confessed. If he hadn't known if was coming he'd never have told me. I never read it. Made h read it. It's shredded. Even with all that I don't know that I'd rather have not known anything but it was surely better to find out from h than a letter.

IlikePercyPig · 17/05/2016 07:45

I would, I'd go nuclear and tell everyone.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 17/05/2016 08:08

I would because of the sexual health aspect partly. And because he has a right to know. And because colluding with the lie is the very last thing I'd feel like doing in your position.

BarbaraRoberts · 17/05/2016 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 17/05/2016 08:21

If you are serious about getting your own relationship back on track, I wouldn't

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 17/05/2016 08:36

Colluding with a lie would really sit uncomfortably with me. Knowing that someone's husband, who was investing in a relationship that had betrayed him, and I knew and he didn't? That doesn't seem right.

One of my previous boyfriends had an affair with a married woman. The marriage failed, but I still to this day feel uncomfortable knowing that her husband does not know about the affair and I do. Who knows, he may not care anymore. Or he may be harbouring guilt about why the marriage ended when he didn't have all the facts, or didn't know his wife was capable of cheating on him. All of his family still think that she was great, and I think there is a bit of 'blame' on him for not making the marriage work. Whereas I know that, according to my boyfriend who she told everything to, she just said that she got bored, had the affair and then dumped him.

Psycobabble · 17/05/2016 09:05

I would because I'm very hot headed !! And it would be 100% to punish ow

So far that reason I know it's a very bad idea !! Don't do it op I feel like you would be made to look the bad guy and that's not fair on you

Tabsicle · 17/05/2016 09:23

I was thinking about this. I think one of the prime issues for me is that the OP isn’t doing this because OW’s husband deserves to know, or because she is concerned for him at all. She’s doing this solely because she wants to cause pain to OW. She isn’t intending to tell OW’s H and then stick around to answer his questions, listen to him vent, help him through it. She isn’t even intending to try and find out whether he knows, whether he wants to know more, what would help him. People are suggesting she send an anonymous email, for chrissakes, and then try not to think about this poor man anymore. That’s not her doing the right thing. That’s acting solely out of malice, and deliberately hurting an innocent party in the hopes that he’ll pass the hurt on to OW on OP’s behalf.

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 17/05/2016 09:26

I know very, very few people who have been cheated on who would rather not have known. So I would tell. The odds are that he wants to know. The poor man is living a life with a lie at the heart of it. He doesn't know a basic fact about his own marriage. BUT, for god's sake, do it kindly. He doesn't deserve anything less. And for those posting that this is a way to get some sort of revenge, shame on you. The only reason to do it, and the reason I would do it (and wish like hell someone had done it for me), is because the husband deserves to understand basic facts of his life.

sadie9 · 17/05/2016 09:34

Hi JasmineFlowers, did you have counselling after the affair? Seems like you are just really really angry still. And no one could blame you for feeling that. And you cannot direct it at DH because you are trying to make a go of it. I would go to counselling for 6 months, get all your anger out. Then decide if you need to intervene in other people's lives to try to appease your anger.
Telling the other husband may not make this anger go away. It might just feed the whole issue and keep it going even longer.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 17/05/2016 09:35

Yes the reasons of revenge are wrong.

The OP has the ability to make a choice, she knows about the affair, she can decide whether to forgive her husband, whether to stay. The OWs husband is denied that choice, and that is something that could have huge effects on the rest of his life. I'd always want to know.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2016 09:35

The OW's DH most probably knows the truth already
If this is the case then no harm done if you tell him as well.

If he doesn't already know then he should know.
Being cheated on is crap.
Being the last to know is just plain feckin' painful.

Definitely tell him.
Then he can make an informed decision about his life with all the facts.

BarbaraRoberts · 17/05/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WriteforFun1 · 17/05/2016 10:20

OP not back then
I wonder if this desire to hurt someone not responsible is because you won't deal with your DH as you really should.

Tabsicle · 17/05/2016 10:27

I guess I think that in my case, I’d rather not know that be used as a weapon of vengeance. And I think that telling because someone has a right to know is very different to telling because you want to use that person to hurt the OW on your behalf. The latter just feels really wrong to me, and I also think the whole thing is massively likely to backfire and cause the OP more pain.

However, having been in the OP’s situation, I totally don’t think that having those thoughts and feelings and hurt is unreasonable or abnormal. Totally reasonable to feel it. But best kept to feelings and fantasies.

bitchingtwitching · 17/05/2016 11:33

The OP is in an unfairly impossible position and none of it is her own doing. I would say not to tell because once it is out there, you have no idea of the consequences. You won't be able to undo the decision, and those consequences could be ones that ultimately hurt you and damage the reconciliation between yourself and your husband, which is the path you have chosen to take at this time.

AntiqueSinger · 17/05/2016 12:32

If you want to hurt her husband who is the totally innocent party, go ahead! Because that's what what you'll end up doing.

OurBlanche · 17/05/2016 12:36

Lots f double standards still being aired here.

Somehow a woman who has been cheated on has to think about all those she will hurt whilst those who cheat can rely on that silence, sense of honour to hide their own shite behaviour.

Nope! As I said before, for a number of reasons, some selfish some more altruistic, I would tell him. What he does with that information is up to him, just as it would for me. I point blank refuse to assume he is some sort of deficient human being that I must also assume care for... that is truly patronising

Kenduskeag · 17/05/2016 12:39

I always hate the infidelity tales where the cheater got away with it because so many others knew and covered for them. Work colleagues, friends, even parents. The cheated-on partner is the last to know while everyone else either giggled behind their hands or simply said nothing, feeling it was none of their business to tattle but all of their business to cover it up.

Can't stand them all, the cowards.

So yes, I'd tell, because I don't want to be one of those people who knows about an affair and lets the cheated-upon partner simply bumble along through life all happy and content, the last to know they are being taken for a fool.

Also all the negative reasons. Yes, fuck her life up.

I reserve plenty of blame for OW. Not exactly a symbol of sisterhood and support, is it, shitting all over another woman's life, shattering her marriage and family structure and wrecking her self-esteem for your own ego-boost.

IrianofWay · 17/05/2016 12:42

I don't know. If it's over for sure I'd be tempted to leave it.

Yes, he deserves to know but right now your emphasis has to be what is good for you. You don't know him or how he will react. i didn't tell H's OW's husband because I knew he has a reputation for violence and there was no way I wanted his anger and their drama brought to my doorstep. Selfish, yep, but it made sense to me at the time.

I would only advise on telling if the affair is still going on.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 17/05/2016 12:46

OP ask yourself, are you grateful to any single person who may have known about your DH's cheating at the time and didn't tell you? Would you thank any of those people?

My first thought was that I wouldn't tell him, probably for the same reasons a thousand knowing bystanders never say a word and many years are wasted by people who would not choose to be in their relationships, if only they were given the luxury of choice. But I think that's wrong. And I think you should tell him.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2016 12:52

Can't stand them all, the cowards
Totally agree with this ^^^