This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.