I know it is wrong.

[Elderberries]

This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.

Some horribly harsh words here.
What was your upbringing like?
Have you ever had counselling?
I think some therapy might help you unravel why you want to hurt someone you love so much.

You KNOW what to do.
Get a new job.

Go no contact. Block, delete and ignore.

None of us are perfect, but you just have not learnt anything from the first time around, other than, not to tell your DP this time.
That's really calculated.

Start job hunting today and get away from OM.

Vile post, StillDrSeth, absolutely foul and just bile-filled claptrap.

Lust is powerful and it's easy to feel totally consumed and out of control. I have been in similar situations and it's a horrible drug being so drawn to someone that they occupy your every thought, it's physically draining and painful.

But - you are fuelling it. He is an addiction. Rationally you know there is not a long term happy future with both these men in your life, you only stand to cause destruction to two families if you don't stop now.

Make a choice. The same one you made last time - your husband - and truly expel all aspects of OM from your life. It will take time to stop yearning for OM, really it will. Yes, it's easy to name call and say what you are doing is mean and nasty and I'll judged, but deep down you know that. You first need to get over this and make your choice.

If the choice is OM, it's highly likely it's a temporary fling. Would he really leave his wife, would you play happily families with him and your children? Would you be his OW for the next X years chapter?

Rid yourself, stay in the pain room and get over it. You know you can't have both or you wouldn't have posted for advice.

When I was in this sort of situation I didn't have kids. Now, I find it hard to imagine as I suspected I would be totally driven by how my children would feel if their mother put their father in this cruel, sad, powerless situation. Please choose wisely, and be strong. Getting over this either alone or with RL support from a friend or your DH will take time and a great deal of strength.

Good luck.

I expected harsh words and I got them. I am a real person here though and wishing somebody loses their kids and ends up alone is further than I would wish on anybody who in the end has not murdered or abused anybody. But hey I understand that I am dealing with people who have been very hurt themselves. I have been very hurt myself. I do understand.

Oh what a lovely flowery rose tinted account or a really selfish and shit situation. Tell your DP so he gets some choice in whether or not to continue playing a support role in the romantic drama that is your life. I am not even going to address your "addiction" to this other Man. It's nothing special its just a shag, honestly that's all it is however you dress it up. Just let the people who don't even know they're in it out of this situation.

Elderberries, do NOT forgive or try to understand posters who post like that. You have no idea if they've been hurt or not and there are plenty of us who have but would not post like that.

I was going to report that post but on second thoughts, I'll leave it there for all to see.

But you have abused somebody. Your husband. You do sound abusive. All you took on board from your last affair was to not tell him this time. Disgusting.

I have had some really thoughtful responses and I want to come back to some of it. A lot of you tell me I don't love my husband. It's a good challenge but you can't know that. Perhaps you can't love and cheat but I obviously can. People are different - I am a confused and faulted individual but I love my DH. After 20 years love is different. It's not new and exciting it's comfortable and warm. If after 20 years I am still pleased to see him every morning and enjoy listening to his ideas and the interesting things he has read. And if I still enjoy his touch and look forward to the time when we are alone and can imagine growing old with him - isn't that love?

YOU are an abuser. Your behaviour is EXTREMELY abusive to your poor husband.

You are very 'woe is me' for someone who is fucking someone else's husband whilst yours sits at home. Do you sob throughout? Or do you just feel sorry for yourself once it's over?

I have zero sympathy for you. The only person you feel bad for is yourself.

You're not 'confused,' you know fine fucking well what you're doing.

And no, you don't love your husband. You might feel love 'at him,' but you don't love him as a person. You don't respect him, and put his needs and feelings at the forefront, and do your utmost to make him feel loved and secure because you love him.

You don't love him. You like the idea of loving him, but you don't love him. You love yourself, and you love having him around. That's it.

And again, it's all about you. Everything you describe about your relationship with your husband is all built on lies and deceit. Not love.

So it's ok then to 'abuse' the OP? Accept the definition of abuser if you want to bandy it about. I think it's misplaced but then, this is MN, home of the hyperbole...

She's not being abused on here. She's being told some truths she doesn't want to hear.

We're not cheating on her.

Lots of you have told me to leave my DH. I'm not going to do that. I think we have a good relationship. It's got some problems obviously but we need to deal with the rather than running away from them. You say leave him so he get a better relationship with an honest person. You speak as if it's sooo easy to find a good relationship. I have plenty of friends who are in there 40's and 50's who are wonderful people and have just never found the right person. They missed out on kids and all of that because people you can really enjoy living with are hard to find. Also I am making choices for my children too. I'm not going to break up the family unit without s bloody good reason. No, 1 kiss and some dirty texts this year do not add up to enough. Yes there is the emotional affair angle but I do think it's a different level to physical infidelity. And finally I am selfish and I don't want to go. I like my life. We all do what's best for ourselves and children. That is entirely human.

She is being abused. Some posters are using this thread to lash out at her and that's not on.

Only OP knows the 'truth' of the situation and she has posted for support - not complicity in her decision, but not band-wagon jumping name-calling either.

Oh wow, you really think you're the best your husband can do.

Astonishing.

Personally I think a person happily going about their daily life, being constantly betrayed while their significant other pants after someone else is a far worse picture than the one drseth paints.

I think you should think about what NickiFury and others have said.

You have described your situation in breathy tones which only need references to windswept hair and heaving breasts to make it more self indulgent.

Part of you clearly sees what you are doing as romantic and irresistible.

You are not Cathy. He isn't Heathcliff. Describing it thus, allowing yourself the nonsense of seeing it as wildly romantic doesn't make it so. It's still a choice of lying to the man you claim to love and fucking behind his back.

Choosing not to tell your DH is not kindness. It's just lying again dressed up as protecting him.

Make a choice about what you want and be honest with these people you claim to love or you will all be very unhappy.

You need to bring some colour into your own life and your life with your DP, so you are not dependent on an affair for excitement. Think of some massively exciting things you'd love to do with you DP - travel, adventures, log term dreams or plans and start acting on them.
You're just scratching an itch. This man is recently married but has been playing on the side with you all along. Not a catch. You are at risk of losing something really valuable just because you want a bit of excitement. That really is sad.

You say leave him so he get a better relationship with an honest person. You speak as if it's sooo easy to find a good relationship.

Well apparently it is. You've got two so amazing you can't end either.

What you are doing is despicable. You know it's selfish and damaging others and you're doing it anyway because - you WANT to.

I feel so, so sorry for your husband and children.

OP, your last post pretty much ensures that you will get a kicking from posters here. I don't agree with it but it's understandable given that so many women here have been badly hurt by cheaters. It's very insensitive of you to be so 'gleeful' in your deceit of another human being.

To be honest, whilst I have no axe to grind with OW having (regrettably) been one myself once, I won't be complicit in any kind of 'celebration' of an affair and that's how your last post reads. You say that you're selfish and I agree, you certainly are.

I don't know what you wanted from this thread but I can see that it's either going to implode or just die a death as posters will justifiably be disgusted. I'm not going to post again.

Oh and his wife. I feel very sorry for her too.

Newly married, contemplating a future, children etc - and all while her husband is fucking you.

But as long as you're happy, eh? They can all get to fuck.

I'm not sure an emotional affair is better than sexual infidelity.

Personally I would be far more hurt by my husband holding hands and having longing gazes with someone every lunchtime than just sex. One is a betrayal of course . But meeting regularly to fan the flames but saying 'we won't go through it to protect our partners' is cringy.

x-posted with several other posters.