I know it is wrong.

[Elderberries]

This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.

He won't be upset. Just say you are done, end of. Today is a new day.

You've only done a disservice to one man, the other was in on the act right from the start. Just move on and see it as a new day, fresh start. if you love the man you are with stay with him and investigate why you lowered yourself to the cheating standard. Could be you have some vulnerabilities you need to work through. Just please stop doing it because again I can't emphasise enough how damaging it is to be cheated on and do you really want to wilfully inflict that much pain on someone? Don't minimise what you are doing. See him for the player he is. Sort out why you feel the need for attention.

You sound so utterly emotionless about it all.

It is as easy to be faithful as you make it. Honestly, what a load of utter tosh. Your poor husband and kids. Does the OM have kids with his poor unsuspecting wife too?

What you don't seem to have thought off and I haven't until now is this all my be completely out of your hands if his wife realises what's going on ! Youl lose everything and it won't be you making the decision !!

OP if you're serious about wanting to deal with this, I'd highly recommend some counselling. Your posts ready very much like an unfiltered stream of consciousness rather than showing any true insight into your behaviour. A neutral third party helping you explore that may help enormously.

Lying I am sorry if my harsh words offended you. I don't personally think my post is anything like as abusive as the OP is being to her husband. And I do not speak as someone who has been cheated on myself (ie, bile-spouting) but someone who just has a bit of bloody decency about them. We're not talking about one drunken moment of madness but a long drawn out affair over years and years. How anyone can claim, as the OP did, to really love her husband yet behave like this is beyond me. And to jeopardise the family life of children just for sex.

I had thought that perhaps a really harsh post like mine might have helped bring the OP to her senses, but based on her continued postings, she is coming over even more unpleasant and self-centred than she'd started out as and her recent comments about her husband are quite despicable.

Your husband will not be devestated, your husband will eventually realise he is lucky to be away from such an awful wife.

Nipping back on just to post to StillDrSethHazlittMD, no, please don't apologise to me, I understand your post now, better than I did. I'm not going to indulge any more chat from OP about the OM and I get where you were coming from.

Could you seek counselling for yourself about this? You may find it very helpful.

The OM gives you a high. The affair is like an addiction which you can't resist.

To truly entangle you should have found another job so that total NC (no contact ) could be enforced. You have no idea how painful it is for a betrayed spouse to watch their WS go to work and be able to see their affair partner every day.

You think you have reconciled ... but I'm sure hardly a day passes when the affair doesn't come to your husband's mind.

Infidelity really is the ultimate betrayal in marriage or a long relationship.

I think if you could get into the mind of a BH (betrayed husband), you will get a glimpse of how they feel.

I'll send you a link via PM so you can have a read and see what I mean.

You know it's wrong... there's no point in me saying that. You know.

I think GutInstinct made a very good comment about the whole situation.
But be honest with yourself ... Do you think that if this OM men was out of the scene, would you have another affair with someone else??
Did you actually want your DH to forgive you when he found out or you just felt that you HAD to stay married?
Only you can answer that.... There's a chance that you and OH get on well as friends but the marriage is dead on the water.
Until you find the answers, don't take risks anymore

It does seem like an awful thing to just cut him out without explaining why. He would never do that to me. I know he wouldn't,

Really!! He wouldn't know why? Clearly you both have the morals of a pair of alley cats, but I'm sure he could work out why it was for the best if you cut him out. And you know he wouldn't do that to you? Why? Because his fragile ego is getting one hell of a stroking from you, just like yours is from him.

Can you really not see what you are putting at risk here? With your 'want it, going to have it' attitude.

Utterly selfish. Do you give any real thought of how badly you are betraying your H? Or is life really just totally about you?

You don't love your DH or you wouldn't have looked at another man. You don't love OH, you only wanted him when he was due to get married. It's all about you you you. Pathetic.

I suggest you work on therapy for yourself about your self esteem that needs to be filled with other people wanting you.

And grow up.

Why has your husband not objected to him being on your FB friends list?

How would you feel if your husband was still friends with the woman who participated in causing so much devastation to your marriage?

By cheating you take away another person's choice. They are not seeing the true you.... it's presenting a false front. He forgave you back then.. he could have moved on and been with a loving faithful woman by now .... possibly with more kids.

Don't continue taking away his choice like this.

However you justify it you are being an utter bitch to your husband and family. The time you spend going for coffee and meeting him for drinks in the past could be spent with the husband you tell us you love so much and your small children.

You are coming across so selfish- you don't want to tell your husband because you don't want to hurt him? No, you don't have sex, text sex, meet for coffee, have anything to do with him if you don't want to hurt him.

Did you use condoms when you fucked him or have you potentially risked your husband's health too?

I will repeat what I said unthread, if you loved him you wouldn't continue the deception, you'd tell the truth and leave. I don't think you do love your husband because if you did you wouldn't be so vile to him.

I thought no you are trying to have the best of both worlds and not realising the impact you have on others. Your partner will find out and so will the OM wife.

You need to make a decision and love with it and if you decide its your partner, cut all ties with the OM. Yes you may work with him but keep it as a work relationship only and stop the flirting as it makes you feel good

Nipping back on just to post to StillDrSethHazlittMD, no, please don't apologise to me, I understand your post now, better than I did. I'm not going to indulge any more chat from OP about the OM and I get where you were coming from.

I'm not surprised by your post WitchInTheWardrobe, the op did a nice job of throwing your kind words back in your face by being so lacking in self awareness. Thankfully there are more deserving cases out there.

firesidechat, I know, just call me stupid, I am. I'm not afraid to apologise though and I pm'd StillDrSethHazlittMD who was extremely gracious. I see that StillDrSeth's post has been deleted; it wasn't me who reported it and I can well understand the annoyance that made StillDrSeth post it in the first place.

Whilst I am on this car crash of a thread, I just want to say massive respect to GutInstinct for her amazing and self-aware post at 10.44 this morning. If I would have been the OP, I would have grasped it, digested it and blocked OM immediately. OP won't ever stop this, she doesn't want to. She just wants to talk about him endlessly. I stopped ignoring my gnawing, nagging gut feeling about her a few hours ago now. I've seen the light...

Apologies to anybody who may have felt diminished by my misplaced support of the OP on this thread.

I had to create an account so that I can comment on this. I am a husband in at a receiving end of something like this. My wife's love for me is out of the window - she fell all heads in with a man at her new job within 4 weeks. She've lavished the level of care, attention and somewhat love she's never on me in years. I know it is not love because she's yet to live with him and find out many other things about him. But it still hurts as she thinks she loves him and had demonstrated her love and care in many ways (that I can't go into details). I've forgiven her not really because she was sorry or truly repented but because I want to continue building my awesome life in the making around her - I LOVE HER SO MUCH. The real question though is - how long will I truly continue to allow myself to be maltreated as such?

Elderberries, please don't hurt your husband and yourself again. If your husband's stuck by you especially after an affair, he's a man to keep. This other guy won't last with you; he's just into the 'what would it be like to do it again'. You can test yourself by leaving your husband for him and see how many years anniversary you will mark.

From a man who's been deeply hurt by such actions and yet to recover.

My first ever deletion on MN! Go me. I've seen far harsher postings than mine on other threads that never get deleted, but there we are.

I think you love your DH, but you're not "in love" any more. Most probably plodding along after 20 years, more like brother & sister. People who are genuinely in love, do not fantasise about getting into someone else's knickers.

But, the OM is recently married. He's in the honeymoon period, and yet, he can still meet you and sext you. This tells me that he is a major "player".

YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONLY WOMAN HE IS MEETING/SEXTING. He does not love you, he does not think about you all the time.

You are risking everything for this utter tosspot, who pursues other women, even though he just aquired a bride. Continue by all means, if you don't mind losing your DH, living in a smaller property and seeing your kids part time. That's where this is headed. Oh, and btw, when you tell OM, that you are leaving DH and now you can be together....you won't see him for DUST.

I got deleted the other day for the first time in all the years I've been here. It was sort of justified, but I'm not going to say that it didn't sting a bit. Sympathies.

Apart from the obvious, delete from FB, remove his tel number from your phone, change job,

have you had counselling after the cheating was discovered 15 years ago?

And how about the 'Iiving constantly in a dream, deep in your head'? This can't be a nice way to live. Yoou are missing the nicest, best part of life by living a fantasy in your head all the time.

I would really suggest counselling to look at all that.

And in the mean time, make yourself as unavailable as possible. Ask maybe to change job within the company too.

StillDrSeth
I found your words really harsh and a personal attach on the OP.
That's why you got deleted.

fireside I couldn't care less. I had a gut instinct about the OP and clearly her subsequent postings revealed I was spot on in my deleted post. There are other people calling her a bitch and other things but I noticed they haven't been deleted.

If after 20 years I am still pleased to see him every morning and enjoy listening to his ideas and the interesting things he has read. And if I still enjoy his touch and look forward to the time when we are alone and can imagine growing old with him - isn't that love?

That statement is all about you.

A hugely important part of loving someone is doing your utmost to not cause them any pain, to make them happy, especially when you have previously caused them distress. Your husband was deeply hurt by your previous affair with this scumbag man, but all you've learnt from it is to not tell him about your current affair? Shocking. Sickening.

Your poor husband, he sounds like a good, kind man and he is married to one of the most selfish posters I have ever come across on here.

My DH had an affair, two years on I know he is bitterly ashamed of his behaviour and moreover utterly remorseful about how much pain the affair caused me. The one thing I am sure of in my life is that he would never, ever hurt me in that way again. He treats me with so much love, care and affection and has put everything into making our relationship work; so much so that we are stronger than ever.

This is what your DH deserved after your first sordid affair; someone who put him above all else in the relationship, who went out of her way to make amends for her disgusting behaviour, who put her life and soul into making her relationship with her DH work. Not someone who skulked around still keeping in contact with her affair partner, who cared only about herself and how the flattery of a younger man, who has more or less told her he doesn't love her, boosted her sad little ego.

You are utterly heartless.