I know it is wrong.

[Elderberries]

This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.

Exactly what JonesTheSteam said. With bells on!

Jones the steam - excellent post

OK. I have read everything again. I am starting to see it. Rickety thank you for taking so much time on pointing out OM is a player. Yes. What you describe is what he does. Attention, then take it away. Keep me dangling. I always have to do the running. I know it looks like I haven't taken in anything that has been said but I have been deluding and justifying my actions for such a long time that it just has become normal. Also I've had long conversations with OM where he has normalised our actions. 'Life is not black and white' etc. No excuse at all for my utter betrayal of DH but it's what happened. I can't quite believe that OM could be quite as manipulative as you have said....but he really has behaved exactly how you described rickety. I have been even worse. People expect me to change over night, to see the lie I have been living instantly...but I feel like I would break apart if I really do it too quickly. It's obvious I need some support and therapy to work on myself. Yes it took some slight flattery from a pretty boy and I was a malleable pathetic zombie.

The really pathetic thing is that this is not the first time I have been played and just kept going back to a man who used me over and over again.

In the nicest possible way, I'm sure your husband feels the same. You've cheated on him, gone back to working with the OM, and yet still he stays with you.

Even now, you're all about the self pity.

It's good that you're actually trying to take it in, but I think you need to stop wallowing in how all of this is making YOU feel.

You are not one of the injured parties. You are choosing to do this.

Your husband and OM's wife are not choosing to have this done to them.

WellErr - I'm starting to see the horror of what I've done but honestly I'm going to have to take it slow. It's not going to do anybody any good if I fall apart. Yes my husband is a victim. I have done it. It was me. It's going to take time.

No one is going to advise anything other than cutting off the OM immediately, because it is the only sensible thing to do. If you feel the need to tell him anything, you could tell him that your family is your priority and you need him out of the picture so you can focus on it.

But stopping contact with OM is only part of it. Even if you did that this minute, the issues that have caused you to pursue this relationship will still be there, and you could find yourself dallying with someone else in time.

Your posts sound to me as though you are thinking about this situation (and perhaps your life more generally) in a very binary way: safe vs exciting; rollercoaster vs rut; passion vs complacency.

Relationships do change over time and the initial rush fades, but life does not have to be either madly high risk or entirely grey.

Can I suggest you shake things up a bit, particularly if as you say, you are working up to cutting contact with OM? By that I mean you don't have to do anything as you have always done it. Free yourself to change anything and everything. Put OM on the back burner (you needn't delete him, but don't contact him) and really concentrate on your family life. You will be amazed how refreshing it can feel to make changes and use the ability you have to make choices in a positive way. Start talking about hopes and dreams with your DH, with your children. Seduce your DH instead of the OM.

Your mentions of two things struck a chord; past bad relationships, and living in a fantasy world. Ditto. And I found that the bad relationships (sneaking around, will he won't he? is it on or is it over? shall we see each other, is he angry, is he cheating? etc.) had effectively trained me to associate 'love' with an extreme adrenaline rush that was more akin to anxiety. If it wasn't a cortisol overload, it wasn't real. The sort of sweet kindness of nice blokes who really liked me made me uneasy. I know now I had low self-esteem and was terrified of real intimacy.

And the fantasy-also tied in with low self-esteem. I had a completely unrealistic picture of the sort of amazing heroine I had to be in order to have worth. Black and white thinking again- you're either Susan Sonntag meets Wonderwoman meets Rosa Parkes meets Jessica Ennis-Hill, or you're nobody. If the men you meet don't sweep you off your feet in some impulsive way, you must be rubbish. Worthless.

If this rings any bells for you, then please seriously consider seeing a therapist to untangle this. You've got a lot to lose if you carry on down your current path.

Brillliant post WindPowerRanger, your earlier one was too. This one resonates with me so much, particularly the adrenaline rush/cortisol overload; so destructive.

OP I left my husband 6 months ago for OM - he quickly scarpered. I think we had similar situations, I think I have some mental health issues also feeling a bit unsexy after having kids, always was a bit of a slag and enjoy the feeling of someone new. It's not real, no matter how fun or amazing the sex is. So really you need to decide if you want to be with DH or not. Regardless of the OM. If he sticks around, good for you but you can't leave DH for the other man. It needs to be for yourself. If you want to stay, then you've got to find a way to avoid OM. Find ways to spice things up with your husband. Find ways to get his attention.

People are really mean and personal on here when in reality situations aren't always black and white. Not saying you're not in the wrong, you know you are but I know what it feels like to feel so strongly about someone and the 'what if' but the 'what if' is never going to happen.

Dick, this 'what if' you speak of, it DID happen. OP said, "it was incredibly painful for all concerned". Good to go again though.

WindPowerRanger - yes exactly that. The dopamine hit I get after being treated like shit for a while and then finally being given a treat like I'm a spaniel at their feet. I get a sexual hit out of the process. Many years ago...before I met DH i was in a compulsive cycle of one night stands and having relationships with people who just didn't really care. But my insecurities started way before that and I don't understand what really started it all. I escape the
Hard bits of life by repeatedly going through mythic scenarios of romance. It took me a very long time to accept DH for what he was and not think he didn't love me bacause he wasn't a Disney prince. OM walked in and for a few moments did act like a romantic lead and fell for it hook line and sinker. I have been overweight for most of my life and it looks like I am an easy target. I lost all the weight recently and its thrown things around in my perception of myself. Yes I'm talking about myself again...I'm not sure why else to talk about though. DH is one of the most well balanced people I know so it really isn't him. I am the one with the problem.

So what are you going to do about it?

I agree that the realisation that this has to stop is just the beginning. Being remorseful and ending the relationship with OM isn't enough, it's a start but it's only a sticking plaster. You need to examine the reasons why you went down the road of an affair in the first place, otherwise you'll be back where you are now in a year or two.

In my case I was in an abusive relationship. My DH had isolated me from friends and family, made it almost impossible to go out to work, gaslighted me into thinking that I had confidence issues after making it difficult for me to go out, so e.g. If I went out it caused arguments meaning I stopped going out, he then started suggesting that I had confidence issues which were preventing me from going out.

Having the affair made me realise that there were in fact people out there who liked me for me. Making my marriage work would have meant needing to address issues from my DH as well as myself. But actually I realised that these issues would never resolve. Having the affair actually made things worse because it turned DH into an innocent party which, while he certainly didn't deserve to be cheated on, he most certainly had a part to play in the breakdown of our marriage.

But for me I needed to address the fact that rather than confront the issues in my marriage and leave anyway, I had found comfort with someone else. It was impossible to move forward until I could recognise that this is not the way to resolve issues.

I bitterly regret ever having had the affair, am with someone else now, and the very idea that I could be drawn into an affair leaves me cold.

Blimey OP, do yourself a favour and stop all the navel-gazing. We've all got issues, hang-ups and insecurities but it doesn't give us carte blanche to treat innocent people like crap.

Put your money where your mouth is and go no-contact out of respect and love for your DH, or run the risk of never being able to cut free, still whining about how speshul you both are ten years from now.

Op, do you work in a school? Your story sounds very, very familiar to one I have read from the husbands perspective.

Even if I did work in a school I would hardly admit it would I? I've kept things very vague on purpose. This other husband is not anything to do with me.

OP, stop thinking about it, deliberating, mulling over why it's happened, dithering about how OM might react, justifying your actions and playing the 'woe is me, I'm so terrible but I love my DH' card.

Just do the right thing. End it. Now.

Well even so, it was a very similar story but from the husbands perspective. It was heart breaking what he had gone through emotionally and in his relationship over the years. You need to stop being so pathetic and selfish and delete him now. Not in time, now! It's absolutely shocking you still have him on Facebook actually, a total disrespect and slap in the face for your husband who deserves much better.

I am going to go no contact but at least for part of this week I'm going to be sat next to OM so I'm not going to do anything blatant yet. I can't face moody silence. Work is stressful enough. But I will keep my head low and just focus on my relationship until I can figure out how to change work. There are things that can be done but not instantly- also I really like my job at the moment ( and not because of OM) so I have to think.

Elderberries, at least once a week on here I find a, "should I contact the OWs husband?"

You are playing with fire. If anyone finds out then your relationship is dust. You don't deserve your DH.

Once again your last post was all "me, me, me, me!"

Christ, writing things out in the style of a romance novel doesn't make your behaviour less seedy. You had an affair with a man which very nearly broke your marriage. Your DH somehow managed to forgive you despite you evidently not completely detangling your life from the OM's. You should have at the very least changed jobs so that you were never put in a position where you needed to work with him in order to keep the household running. You didn't. And you're now having yet another affair with the same bloke.

Slow withdrawal doesn't work. How do you even envisage that going? A few less mucky texts each week until you're down to just the sneaky dinners?

You're not thinking about your husband. You're not thinking about your children. You're not even thinking about your future. You're just thinking about what makes you feel good about yourself right now.

You can continue down this path and wait for the inevitable carnage that will be your life, your husband's life and your childrens' lives or you can completely stop contact with this other man and take steps to ensure you won't encounter him both socially and professionally. Whichever you choose though, you really need to stop looking at the situation like it's an epic romance saga spanning decades.

Exasperated - how am I supposed to answer a direct question about what I am going to next without talking about myself? Shall I describe what my neighbor is going to do? I get that you dislike me, but why don't you just take yourself off to another thread if you find me so appalling? This is a thread I started to find out why I, yes I, was doing these terrible things. People have asked me questions and I have answered about why I am the way I am. This thread is about me - that is why I am talking about me! I'm going to get flamed now I am sure but you know what fucking do your worst. I'm bloody tired of the continual rudeness. I have been patient because I know I am in the wrong but I don't think there is an excuse for being rude to strangers on the Internet.

Yes, this thread is about you but the fact that you seem to only be able to consider your own feelings and not those of your husband, children and his wife who are the victims in this, not you.