I know it is wrong.

[Elderberries]

This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.

You don't need to make our time worth it and you're offering cliched platitudes.

It doesn't matter to anyone else on here that you are master of your own destiny. I won't be losing any sleep over it - if you fuck it up, it's your fault and no-one else's and only you on this board has to live with the consequences. Own it.

I disagree about him being 'kind'. He's listened to you so that he can get an exciteable shag. He refuses to tell you if he loves you or not and then has the audacity to 'forgive you' for getting upset with him. Definitely the more you say, the more I see a player. Kind men don't do this. They don't cheat on their wives either. They don't fiddle about with colleagues.

He won't want you to explain anything. He'll just move on. He really doesn't care as much as you think. There are probably other women, at least waiting in the wings if not already on the go.

Of course hes nice to you and listens and forgives - hes knows hes got a shag on a plate when he wants it!! Why would he get mad at you?
He - like you- have your cake and are eating it. Poor unsuspecting spouses at home, and a bit on the side when you both fancy it.

I dont care if this is harsh - Both of your are despicable, you dont give a toss about your partners feelings, or messing with their lives. How would you feel if you were devoted to your hubby and he turned round and said he'd had someone on the side for years - would you accept and be happy about it?? I doubt it.

Stop playing with peoples lives and being selfish having it both ways

It's perfectly possible to love someone and cheat on them or treat them badly. Love is not synonymous with decency, however much the fairytales pretend it is or how much we want it to be. Ordinary people can love deeply and still behave like shits towards each other. Decency is about decency - personal morals and strength of character - independent of love.

I'm not a psychologist but the impression I get OP is someone who is validating themselves from the perspective of others rather than themselves. You need to feel attractive and desirable - that someone really wants you in order to feel like you're alive. We all do to some extent, that's normal, but in you it seems to be more important than any other area of your life. And that can only spell disaster.

If you are a happy, fulfilled person who likes what they see in the mirror, and you make a decision to be faithful, you won't have too much trouble resisting temptation. It will be there, because it's to be expected that you will meet other people you find desirable in your life. But you'll withstand it because you'll know that your own opinion of yourself matters more than a quick roll in the hay and you'll take steps to avoid opportunities to be alone with your lust object. If you do that, you'll never get close enough to them to fall foul of temptation.

It is easy to stay faithful if you like yourself and your life and you've got some self awareness. If you find it hard, the first place to look is your own life - what's missing and what can I do about it - what can OM do about it is never going to achieve anything other than maybe short-term enjoyment with a massive amount of risk of long-term pain.

He told me he loved me a few weeks ago. The OM. I'm not saying he was suggesting any sort of proper relationship but I do believe he loves me. I can't encapsulate 15 years into a post but it's a love of sorts. Not something that would lead to happy ever after I think. And anyway I have never been available for him. He may love me because I have been unattainable all the way through.

It's not love. He told you a few weeks ago because he knows you are thinking of ending it. That's it. You are speaking in fantasy talk because that is what you have created with this man: a fantasy. It is not real. If he loved you, he would leave his wife and you would leave your husband and you'd live together.

He loves the game, not you.

I presume your husband is a kind man. He married you. He forgave the original affair. If he is kind then he did these things because he really does love you.

This OM does not, because it's taken him 15 years to say it and only when you were about to end it all. Carrot has been dangled in your face again. You are being played.

Are there signs of other women for the om? Does he flirt with other women infront of you? Have you caught him getting a bit close to other women? Have you had reasons to feel jealous?

Who leads the dance? OM is younger than me and socially awkward. He doesn't make friends easily. I've watched him go through a number of girlfriends. At the very start he told me liked me...I hadn't thought that it was a beautiful young man like him could want me. I seduced him. I pushed hard. He seemed a bit shell shocked. I think we only had sex 3 times and I just couldn't take it. I couldn't sleep. I wanted to tell the world I loved him but I don't think he loved me back. Having said that he did at times seem like a love sick puppy. Then at others like a very angry moody fuck wit. I may be the player. I may have done s huge disservice to all the men in my life.

It'll all end in tears.

He told me he loved me a few weeks ago. The OM. Because he wants an occasional shag.

You are so deluded it's untrue. You're going to go ahead with this utter betrayal and you're trying to justify it with every word you write. You and OM deserve each other, so go for it. You're already hurting other people - they just don't know it yet.

Yes OM is a flirt. There could be others. Even if all that is the case I do think he loves me. You really can love people and be cheating fuck wits. I'm a case in point.

Why have you even bothered creating this thread? Everyone has said you are wrong, yet you consistently post that you arent, that you cant let him go and wont even do something as basic as block him on fb - so you have no intention of ending this sordid affair. He says he loves you once you want to end it and you fall straight back into his bed, hes playing you and you are both playing your partners.

Did you want it validating??

I may have done s huge disservice to all the men in my life.

You've been with your DH for 20 years? How many men have been in your life? How old are you?

I'm not going to sleep with OM. I am just trying to work up to cutting him out of my life and as I said before if that were easy for me I would have done it long ago.

Possibly. You don't sound very confident with your feelings tho, so I don't think you are the player. I think you'd know if you were playing people. It would be an actual conscious act. You would be calculating your next move to keep him hanging on and want to feel in charge. Sorry, have reread and realise you are not married to your partner.

Do you feel like maybe you were bowled over by the fact that a young man found you attractive? You might have been at a more vulnerable part of your life where you lapped up the attention rather than seeing it as just a young man having a go at flirting with a woman and scoring when usually they'd say no thanks I'm not available. He probably was surprised it worked!

I think you need to end it with him (obviously from my posts) and then work on how you love yourself without the need for others to show so much affection to you. That doesn't mean splitting up from your dp. He chose to stay with you last time you cheated, so he must have known you were likely to do it again as cheaters usually do. Just work out what it is you are trying to repair with this need for attention. Sounds simple but may need some really deep thinking.

You've had 15 fucking years to cut him out of your life, so you're not going to, are you?

Fuck off with the justify this - you've lost any sympathy I had for you and you're starting to sound like a spoiled little 5 year old.

justifying

You also need to be honest with yourself about how much pain cheating actually causes the partner. Knowing the actual depth of hurt it causes usually should stop you. Cheaters often rearrange facts so that they deal with their guilt or even compartmentalise it. They blame their partner's lack of affection, that they've let themselves go etc. Basically anything other than blaming themselves for their own actions because actually facing what you do to someone when you cheat on them is too hard.

Have you accepted that cheating on your dp would cause a lot more than 'disquiet' to him? How gutting it would be? That would be an important step for you.

I'm old but not quite past it. There reasons I will not get specific. I have done a disservice to these two men. I really am real. Not a troll....although I suppose they say that. I started the thread to shock me out of my complacency.

I started the thread to shock me out of my complacency.

Judging by your words, it's not working though is it? What about your children? Presumably they are older and so therefore, when the shit hits the fan, they will judge you. How lovely.

Think of how proud of yourself you will feel, whatever you choose.

Yes OM probably wanted sex...but after all that's all I wanted. At least to begin with. I think I better try and absorb what you are telling me.

So he's a flirt who took a pop at an older woman and it payed off.

You need to see him in a different light. He might have been young and foolish 15 years ago but he isn't now. It's possible you have got it wrong all these years. He isn't in love. He likes the game. He likes a flirt, he tries it on, most women decline, you said yes (you need to work out why you did this). Personally I think he sounds letchy and you have got it very wrong.

Also, you need to think about what you consider cheating. You say you haven't been physical as you have only kissed once and sent sexy texts. Sorry, ,but kissing is physical and having a wank over a sexy text is also physical. So you are in denial about the level of cheating you are doing. You are minimising it because you know how hurtful it would be to your dp.