I know it is wrong.

[Elderberries]

This is going to be long and complicated and I have kids so it will probably 'drip' so I'll apologise in advance. I know I am in the wrong. I am hoping someone may have some insight into why I am doing the things I am doing. Maybe that will help me act better. A long time ago I had an affair. It was incredibly painful for all concerned. I fell in love with OM and I loved my partner. You can't have it all and I stayed with my partner. I have put it down simply but it wasn't simple at all. It took me and my partner years to heal. It also took me years to get over the OM. He was around. Due to work. Finally I closed the door and we built a great relationship. I love my partner so much. He is kind, supportive, clever, hard working. I am amazed by him. We are almost living the dream. Due to mutual friends I had seen OM occasionally in social situations. The spark was always there. I didn't worry. We would have a lovely time for an hour and I would walk away back to reality. A couple of years ago OM was around more due to work. He told me he was getting married. It shocked me. It upset me. Over the years OM had occasionally asked me for drinks. I had avoided. Once he was married I asked him for a drink. We flirted wildly. We kissed. I think I just wanted to know that I could still have him if I wanted..well at least a little of him. Shortly after this he started working in my team. Things changed fast. I have always found him intoxicating. If he is in a room he is in colour and everything else grey. I just couldn't look away. For a year and a half we have been dabbling with each other. No physical contact but all the other stuff that modern communication allows. Some months back he suggested going further. I was extremely conflicted. I wanted it and yet I was terrified. Guilt and lust and fear spun around in my head. It was quickly apparent that it wasn't possible for me to behave that way. And so slowly the relationship has been down graded. He has stepped back. I am in love with him - or at least an idea of him. He tells me he loves me too. He says he wants to be friends. That we will deal with this by not going out in the evenings and not drinking together. We can have coffee and lunch some times. I have agreed. It's all a load of rubbish of course. I have never been able to let go totally. Always just leaving the door open. And of course my partner...well I really love him. I don't want to leave. I am happy with him. He is a bit distracted and doesn't notice me as much as I would like but we never argue and muddle along quite well. So there you go. I know I'm going to get pretty straight talk and I think I need and deserve it.

Oh wow, you really think you're the best your husband can do.

It IS astonishing, isn't it?

Of course it's abuse to continually betray someone's trust. It's not abuse in the domestic sense that most of us associate with the word but it she is abusing her SO, his trust, forcing him to live a life that isn't what he believes it to be, because she has unilaterally decided it should be this way all because she's got the hots for some bloke who is now also married.

Some body talked about the way I write...like its a story. Yeah I would agree with that. I'm a fantasist. Much of the time I walk around in a dream not living in reality at all. That has always been the case since I was very small. So yes OM is a fantasy for me. My Heathcliffe, my Mr Rochester. I'm aware that I sound juvenile and rediculous but this is the true me (although I know I deceive myself too). I do seem to want the dramatic and melodrama. I want the attention. I don't get anything like that in my marriage- and really if I did it wouldn't be a good marriage would it. Up until a couple of weeks ago it been about 2 years since my DH told me he loved me. He had not hugged me for....well I couldn't remember when. I need more love and affection. I have told him we have grown apart and we need to work on it. I am hopeful. I need to get rid of the distraction of OM though.

I think it's hard to keep a marriage going for more than a few years with Cathy/Heathcliffe levels of romance and passion. Who would ever remember to get the car taxed?

Ok then, how about you write a fantasy of being married to or with someone who cheats on you for years and years while you are building a life with them believing they love you and would never again put you through what they swore they wouldn't when you got so badly hurt. How does that feel?

I feel very sorry for your husband and sorry for the OM's wife too. I do think you are doing your husband a disservice. He should know about your infidelity again, emotional or physical it is still an affair. If you are not happy with him and his lack of attention leave - but don't blame his mundaneness on your own desire for someone else.

You can't have your cake, eat it and make trifle out of it too - you really can't. You are more than capable of not being with the OM yet you choose not to. This is a choice, and this is all your fault. You are risking so much for something so worthless.

I don't doubt you love him . The thing is though what is love ?? It's just a word if you don't show it isn't it . Yes I think you can most definitely have feelings for more than one person absolutely ! It's not like there is a switch inside that turns off attraction to all others as soon as you meet someone

However love isn't always exciting and new and being consumed by lust is it . If you want that then be single , have casual relationships . People do do that you don't HAVE to be married and do 20+ years with someone . But if you choose to do that then you are promising that person youl be faithful and your accepting that love means a lot more than the first couple of lust filled years . People make mistakes yes and marriage isn't for everyone ( not married over here !) BUT you have deceived your husband before and you didn't let him go you chose to stay and make it work and once again your deceiving him

I asked you up thread but you didn't reply what would you do if you dh found out today and ended it absolutely . How would you feel ??????

'need to get rid of the distraction of OM though.'

Exactly this. And fast. You cannot have him in your life. Get over him then make specific changes to bring 'happy drama' and excitement to your marriage.

Lots of you have told me to leave my DH. I'm not going to do that.

Well your DH could leave you. You aren't giving him the option though because you are continuing to lie to him.

I think we have a good relationship.

Yep so great you have had an affair and contemplating another, whether you say you are or not.

Also I am making choices for my children too. I'm not going to break up the family unit without s bloody good reason.

Wow.

Yes there is the emotional affair angle but I do think it's a different level to physical infidelity.

You are kidding yourself. It can very much be.

And finally I am selfish and I don't want to go.

Yes you are and very me myself and I and tough luck to anyone else.

I like my life.

Again all about you. Of course you do. You are having your cake and eating it.

We all do what's best for ourselves and children.

How is having affairs, lying and cheating on your DH 'best for your DC'.

Actually I think you have got a very easy time on here compared to if it were a man that posted this he'd of been ripped to shreds.

I think what you are doing is disgusting and selfish. You don't love your husband the way you should if you are willing to do this. You just don't. It's so extremely selfish.

It's quite simple really, either cut contact with this man and move jobs and put your all into your family life. Or split with your husband.

Yes I agree Pagwatch.

Do not think that what you have some is any better as it was 'just' a kiss and sending sexual messages. This was with the man whom you destroyed your marriage with. You say it took a lot of pain and hard work after your affair- to do these things after all of what your husband has been through is beyond cruel.

If you are determined to stay in your marriage you should really get some counselling fandor yourself and find a new job. Cut off all ties with this man- no agreeing to meet for 'friendly coffees'. Any contact is utterly inappropriate.

Don't dare blame your dh for this. He's not told you he loved you or shown affection? can you blame him?

Psychobabble - I must have missed some posts. I don't know how I would feel. Devastated I suppose. I feel oddly disassociated from everything but the OM at the moment. Intellectually I know that isn't real though.

Fandor? FOR. Stupid phone.

I'm really not posting for sympathy or to make people angry I'm trying to be honest about the situation.

I have never posted about this before. I do not have risky behaviours in general. I do have very low self esteem. I do have quite a good idea about mental health issues- a family member has been very ill.

Well I think that's your answer if you think you'd feel devastated now while still in the cosy bubble of still having dh then honestly I think in the reality of it if he did end it , and you realise that there is not future with om anyway . And you are having to deal with the reality of the fallout and the effect on kids etc you will definitely feel beyond devastated !!!

Also what do you see in om anyway ???? He obviously has no morals why would you want someone like that ??

I honestly think you have your answer

So you aren't going to split up with your husband.

Then the only option is to get a new job and cut ALL ties from the om. It's not hard is it! If you want to grow old with your dh like you imagine, it's the only option. He's already pulled away from you since your last affair. I can't imagine he'd stick around if he were to find out about this, quite rightly. Although you probably will absolutely destroy him. The choice is yours. He may not find out from you but the other man's wife might find out and tell him. Stop being so selfish. Start putting all your attention on your husband and work on your relationship.

How would you feel explaining this to your children?

If you have made the choice to stay with your DH but you can't avoid the OM then you need to change that. Think about how you would feel if it was the other way around? Also if OM is married as well now you are just destroying even more lives doing this.

It's very simple. You make your choice then you stick with it. If you cannot resist the other option then you remove yourself from the temptation, NOW.

Why didn't OM and I get together years ago? I thought about it. Asked OM if he loved me. He said it wasn't a fair question for him or my DH. That I had to see my relationship through. If I was ever single we could see how things went. I tried to leave my partner at the time but through that process realised how much I needed him. I had been unhappy and broken for years before DH had come along. Treated very badly in some very destructive relationships. I finally had a good thing and I was about to sabotage it all because of my stupid unrealistic fantasies. So it took a while but I stuck with it and after about 2 or 3 years I could enter a marriage and look forward to a good future.

Look ultimately everyone can give u advice and you ignore it etc

But I can with 99% certainty say you will never have anything real with this om

You will waste possibly years of your life in a haze of lust thinking of other man, destroy your relationship in the process by being emotionally unavailable and for what ???

I think I'm old enough and experienced enough to tell you that's pretty much how it will play out op .

Take your life back! Start nurturing your marriage . Cut ties with om . And see how good things can be again !!

WindPowerRanger's post was absolutely brilliant, and if I were you OP I would be focusing more on the points raised in that post. Instead of attempting to justify your actions by pointing out what is missing in your marriage and highlighting your DH's failings it would be much more productive to have a look at yourself.

There is an underlying reason why you're being so self-destructive and it isn't through being starved of attention by your DH, I expect it goes much deeper than that. I found myself in a similar position of feeling very safe and content with my DH one day and suddenly feeling panicked by it the next day, soon after I was lusting after another man. The OM was the complete opposite to safe and secure, he was a fucking liability to be honest but I became obsessed with everything about him. I never did anything about it and instead took some time to myself to try and figure out why I was having these feelings, as it was completely out of character. I'm still not quite there yet with the whole figuring out why I'm determined to fuck up thing but I'm getting there, and focusing my attention on that instead of OM is obviously a much better alternative.

If you carry on with the OM you run the risk of not just your DH hating you but you hating yoursel. You'll be setting yourself firmly on the path of self-destruction and everything that comes with it. You already seem to excuse your current behaviour as not that bad because you compare it to what you've done in the past (sexting compared to actual sex), your view of yourself needs to improve so your standards can too.

Elderberries Tue 17-May-16 09:29:19
Lots of you have told me to leave my DH. I'm not going to do that. I think we have a good relationship.

You have a good relationship, since you have the love and security from your husband and the excitement from the OM. Your husband however, has a wife who has previously cheated and then, even if it has not involved sex, has re started a relationship with the same man she had an affair with, and has constantly lied about. You are again keeping the relationship with OM a secret and you husbands marriage is nothing but a sham.

And finally I am selfish and I don't want to go. I like my life. We all do what's best for ourselves and children. That is entirely human.

It is also human, that if you love someone, you would not want to hurt them. Do not kid yourself that just because you are lying to your husband, you are doing this out of some sort of goodness of your heart, since the last time he was so hurt. You are lying for one reason only, to protect yourself, and the life you are admittedly to selfish to want to leave, but apparently do not care enough about to not risk.

You have to make a decision, it is your husband or not, it is not fair for him to be second choice, and not even know he is in the competition.

You just want to have your cake and eat it. At least you can admit your are selfish, but your comments on thinking of your children and family life are laughable really, since YOU are risking that all. Your husband may not find a new relationship if you were to split, you may not end up with the OM, but your husband should at least be able to decide for himself, if he wants to be alone, or stick with a wife who has no respect for him and lies and cheats.

Your husband and OM's wife, like you, only have one chance at this life.

And you are making theirs a LIE.

They'll find out sometime. It always comes out. And it will destroy them. They will never get these years back. And it's your fault. Yours and his.

I don't think you appreciate the true vileness and cruelty of your actions.

You are robbing two people of the chance to have normal happy lives. And you're quite happy to carry on with this.

It is truly, truly despicable.