DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

just another thought that may or may not be relevant.

If you stay with him op, which is your right obviously, be very wary of any sexual intercourse with him. Condoms can be tampered with, pin pricks and the like. They're not 100% failsafe, they may rip during intercourse etc etc.

It wouldn't exactly be conducive to satisfying sex but you're going to have to be very paranoid whenever you do anything.

Jessbow carried away, my arse. Have you not read the OP? He'd got up to get a condom, but didn't. That's not exactly heat of the moment stuff, is it?

Contraception isn't JUST the OP's responsibility and she is clearly very limited in the methods she can use. Pill no good, coil no good, leaving sterilisation (which she was prepared to do but was talked out of), vasectomy (which her husband spectacularly backtracked on) and condoms (which her husband pretends to use, but doesn't). Anyway, it's a red herring. Bottom line is that he ejaculated in her foof knowing that she was ovulating, because he wants her to be pregnant and that's all that matters.

MrsHenryWinter Fri 13-May-16 09:20:15

"I know he's very controlling but it has always been in 'concern' for me. Like wanting to know where I am in case of an accident."

That in itself is a massive red flag. They dress it up nicely because obviously it is less hassle for them if they can get you to comply happily. But what happens if you do not comply?

What it does boil down to is that he sees you as his property, not an equal adult individual capable of thinking for herself and making her own decisions.

And that being the case, the last thing he wants you to do is to leave the house and mix with other independent women and see that this is not a normal way of living.

OP has already suggested she doesn't want the coil back -

Unfortunately I can't take hormonal contraception (so I'm extra fucked off about the MAP) and I had a coil but I had it removed as it just never felt right.

I don't think I would, under those circs, either.

I am coming late to this thread and just want to add my voice to everybody else saying how awful and not-normal his behaviour is. And well done for getting MAP sorted (there is a small failure rate - do a pregnancy test if you have not bled after 3/52).

Just one other thing, you said the coil previously had 'not felt right' - please have another attempt at a copper coil: not hormones so won't affect how your feel one way or another, and physical discomfort can vary from one fitting to the next.

You need contraception in place that cannot be tampered with and that is totally under your control. That will at least buy you time without the threat of pregnancy until you are clear about your own move.

'Gilded cage' - that is so sad.
It does not matter one jot how charming, kind, handsome etc etc he might be otherwise - even just you feeling that he is capable of doing what you suspect him of shows his disregard for you as a human being .
Yy it is not his promise to make that you 'can have your life back' when your DCs go to school - you MUST wrestle some control back.

LTB.

Jessbow carried away, my arse. Have you not read the OP? He'd got up to get a condom, but didn't. That's not exactly heat of the moment stuff, is it?

That isn't what she says though, she says she isn't sure.
I would be making absolutely categorically damned sure!

"I find it so hard to believe that his control is the result of a conscious plan."

Just my opinion but I was with someone manipulative for 5 years. I'm not sure he planned it, so much as couldn't help himself. It was his nature. I think he felt compelled to control and manipulate me and would take chances as they arose. That's why there was no reasoning with him. I think when he promised to change he really did mean it. But actually he was incapable of change, the drive to control me ran so deep.

It was awful getting away from him, but the best thing I ever did, I am myself again.

I find it so hard to believe that his control is the result of a conscious plan. His dad is very controlling too in his way but his mum left him when her children left home.

Don't you see a pattern here?

V controlling men can be really quite pathetic and weak inside, v anxious, and need total control to reassure themselves that their lives are predicable and panning out exactly as they wish.
That is HIS issue and for HIM to address if he sees it as a problem and IF he wants to change.

All you can do is decide how you wish to respond to his behaviour.

I am horrified that your dh would disrespect you like this. He is being incredibly controlling. I have inherited a genetic predisposition to blood clots and as a result hormonal contraceptives were banned. We had our two children and because of severe pelvic problems during my last pregnancy, I was advised to have no more children or face a lifetime wheelchair bound. My husband booked a vasectomy when I was still pregnant with my daughter and his appointment came through when she was just a few weeks old. Despite fierce resistance from his family he went ahead with the vasectomy.

I would talk to your g.p about sterilisation. I admit that my husband and I both felt broody when our daughter started school. I think it's a natural reaction to the realisation that your babies are growing up. We rescued a puppy instead 😂.

I would ask your husband to see the condom as you think it 'failed'. I would hope that he would have the decency to admit the truth here. Have you thought of how you would approach unplanned pregnancy? I would be sitting your husband down and letting him know that you intend to return to work next year whether this results in a baby or not. You can also tell him that as he went behind your back, he will be responsible for all night feeds and for paying the nursery fees so that you can return to work when your other children start school.

I Would also let him know that he violated you, he violated your trust, he violated your body committing rape under false presences. You are within your rights to reporting to the police.

Jesus. I think you need to talk to him, ONCE.
You say it is your body, you will NOT be having any more children. that you have taken a MAP, if necessary, will have a termination.
You will not be forced by trickery, it is despicable.
If he loves you so fucking much, he will understand that 2 kids are all you are giving him. you will be returning to work.

I find it so hard to believe that his control is the result of a conscious plan.

It may wrll not be. We tend to give controlling abusers far too much credit for intelligence and self awareness. They rarely believe they are abusive, they usually think they are the good guys. When they blame you or deny responsibility for their own actions, they usually sincerely believe it.

It's why so many people don't realise they are being abused. Abuse is only carried out by one dimensional pantomime villains, right?

Wrong. It's carried out by complicated, multi faceted people who are ALWAYS nice some of the time. And it's being done to you. Trying to take over your body like this is actually more chilling to me than if he just threatened to beat you up if you refused pregnancy.

You must leave. This is the most insidious kind of assault. It scares me more than a fist.

Please get the MAP, and when you see your GP about the pill also talk about getting sterilized. Get the medical facts about it. Yes, it is a bigger operación for a woman than a man, but this your body so even though you feel you should discuss it with him, ultimatley it is your choice.

In adición To all the things others have picked up on I find the fact that he was "so happy this morning" very telling. He knows when you ovulate, he planned to get you pregnant again, and now he is pleased with himslef. That shows that your feelings are of no consequence to him regardless of his alleged 'concern' for your wellbeing.

Did you check for a used condoms OP?

Even if there is one though, don't forget that he tried to not use one at first despite knowing that you don't want more children.

OP you poor thing. This is awful and I really feel for you.

I just wanted to say, I have been sterilised, I'd recommend it to any woman who doesn't want any more children. Yes DH could have had a vasectomy but I wanted it to be 100% ME that was in control of never having any more children. I was in and out of hospital on the same day, obviously there is recovery time at home too, but whilst it is 'bigger' than a vasectomy its nothing like as big an operation as I had first thought.

I would much much prefer that you LTB of course. But just sharing my experience in case it helps.

I'm just horrified at this.

Copper coil is definitely worth another shot. It is very effective emergency contraception and although it has its side effects, it doesn't have the same risk and side effect profile as hormonal contraception.
I think you need to discuss this with your GP as an emergency. Buying the MAP is all fine and well for a genuine mistake, but this is a completely different situation.

If you have been coerced or tricked into unprotected sex against your will, that is a crime. Could you see a possibility that you might want to have forensic evidence that this man assaulted you? Is there a part of you that wants to report him? Your GP might be able to help with the evidence gathering process. I know you may not feel like doing anything about it, but talking to your doctor might help you make up your mind.

It has been easier over the years to do what he wants so that we can have a happy home

Good grief - I feel shit for you!
This is NOT OK!!!

If you look back to who you were before you met him, I can guarantee you are no longer that person.
You have totally lost yourself and who you were.
You need to get her back and stop putting up with this controlling asshole.
He sounds absolutely vile!!!

the fact that he was "so happy this morning" very telling. He knows when you ovulate, he planned to get you pregnant again, and now he is pleased with himslef. That shows that your feelings are of no consequence to him regardless of his alleged 'concern' for your wellbeing.

This.
And it seems to me that he's being cold and calculating as well as an underhand, deceitful, manipulative controller.

Get an IUD. Non hormonal or hormonal iud.
or injections

Totally agree with Mix56 and Adora I'm so sorry love, your head must be spinning

Jesus! how awful for you. I've rarely been so shocked on MN.

You can't trust your husband. He used your body to fulfil his wishes, knowing it was against yours. He assaulted you. He doesn't respect you or your ambitions.

Any of these would be a deal breaker for many.

I think you should see a GP urgently, and explain what has happened.

What a seriously despicable scumbag your "D"H is doing that to you. Id be getting him turfed out and charged. How dare he do that to you