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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 13/05/2016 08:49

OP please get the MAP

Jessbow I've reported your comment

ElspethFlashman · 13/05/2016 08:52

God, asking where you are in your cycle.......I have never been asked that. Ever. Even when TTC!

There's a lot more chilling stuff going on in his head than you're remotely aware of. Did he know where you are in your cycle right now? Was the whole thing planned in advance?

What am I saying - of course it was. He had it all choreographed.

picklypopcorn · 13/05/2016 08:52

Take responsibility yourself if its that important.

This is like blaming a bloke who doesnt want to be a Dad when his DP stops taking the pill to get herself pregnant without his consent... utterly, utterly mystifying how this attitude can exist. Why is it the womans responsibility alone to avoid pregnancy? Sex is between PARTNERS, it's a mutual responsibility to act like adults and you're supposed to trust your PARTNER not to pull shit like this.

Marmaladeday · 13/05/2016 08:52

'He knows how excited I am about the children going to school so I can do my own thing again'

This is the crux of it as well. He wants you at home and kept track of. What he did was sexual assault. I don't think that talking will help if he is a controller, the conversation will probably consist of gaslighting and manipulation.
I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Dartmoor you are not the only one reporting it!

Quiero · 13/05/2016 08:54

I think him wanting to know where you are in your cycle is weird. What else does he do that seems controlling?

PurpleDaisies · 13/05/2016 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hawkmoth · 13/05/2016 08:54

He knows that you are about to start a more independent life and can't accept that. How truly despicable.

Hope you are ok, what a horrible breach of trust, especially when he had given you cause to hope things were getting better. But I expect it was all part of his plan.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:56

To reply to one comment: I wanted to get sterilised but DH said that he really didn't want that to happen. He said that as it was a more serious procedure with a greater risk than a vasectomy he would get done instead. Which leads us to today......

(I'm ignoring Jessbow's comment. I have no reason to think that I haven't taken responsibility for myself.)

OP posts:
diddl · 13/05/2016 08:56

Oh & if you stay with him, I wouldn't trust him to get a vasectomy-even if he said he had I wouldn't believe it!

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 13/05/2016 08:56

Our relationship was going through a very bad patch but we did seem to pull through and things have been much better. DH is quite controlling but he's been working on that

He knows how excited I am about the children going to school so I can do my own thing again. He knows how unhappy I've been as a sahm sad

MrsHW. You can't see the woods for the trees my love 🙁. This is his ACE CARD for controlling you. Focus on that. This wasn't about sexually abusing you, this wasn't about rape - this was about him trying to control you by making sure you had a baby to look after & keep you in line. You're so used to his really, really awful ways that he seems to have improved and maybe in small ways he has, outwardly at least. But make no mistake, this is one very controlling man and he will just get worse & worse. If you didn't get pregnant & went out to work, he would make your life a living hell. Think very, very seriously about getting yourself and your lovely kids out of there, nothing is worth being controlled like that 💐

Bee182814 · 13/05/2016 08:57

This is horrendous, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I'm curious as to why he is so desperate to have more kids that he would go to these lengths? Is he from a large family himself?

He has clearly shown no respect for the fact that it is you that will have to go through pregnancy and birth, Breastfeeding, sleepless nights. You poor thing Flowers

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 13/05/2016 08:57

Make an emergency appointment with your GP today. Don't take no from the receptionist and if she asks, tell her it is an emergency and none of her business.

I think, if you can't take MAP, you can have the coil fitted as emergency contraception. Talk to GP.

diddl · 13/05/2016 08:58

" I wanted to get sterilised but DH said that he really didn't want that to happen."

It's not his decision though, is it?

PLease don't tell me that a wife needs her husband's permission for this!

Iloverosesletters1921 · 13/05/2016 08:59

Make sure you don't get blamed for 'trapping him' with another child!

PisforPeter · 13/05/2016 09:01

Pretty much everybody can have MAP, it's a one off dose of hormones only. I would get it straight away this morning OP Flowers

Seeyounearertime · 13/05/2016 09:01

Id seriously consider messaging him right now and telling him not to come home and if he does, you'll call the police.
at least have a few days away from him to think about things

needastrongone · 13/05/2016 09:02

MHW I don't post often on relationship threads, but what he did last night, well, it would take me some considerable time and effort to forgive. I don't even know that I could.

You do know he's controlling you don't you? I know that you do, your posts are intelligent and self aware.

I am going to ignore JessBow's comment as it doesn't even deserve acknowledgement.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 13/05/2016 09:02

This is NOT biologically driven by him wanting more children, I'm astounded that some people think he's just a poor broody husband. FFS.

This is 100% about control. He wants her pregnant, then at home for another 4 years, so he can control her. Keep her tied to home & him for the next 5 years. It's chilling.

sashh · 13/05/2016 09:02

You were raped.

He wants you at home, not having a life or career or education.

Call the police and talk to your GP about sterilisation.

Quiero · 13/05/2016 09:02

It's a recognised form of domestic abuse MrsH www.safepass.org/index.php/want-info/what-is-domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/reproductive-coercion - does much of this sound familiar?

SavageBeauty73 · 13/05/2016 09:03

I find it more sinister he asked about your cycle.

Get the MAP and think about leaving him.

RatherBeRiding · 13/05/2016 09:03

God this is just awful! PLEASE get the morning after pill, whether you have young children in tow or not - the alternative is far, far worse. You can get if from a chemist - no need to make a GP appointment. And if can work a couple of days after the event.

Next - if you want to get sterilised - that's YOUR decision. Please see your GP to get the ball rolling. In the meantime - as you can't use hormonal contraception and don't get on with the coil, how about either the female condom or a cap? You obviously can't trust your "D"H.

And yes, this is about him trying to control your life not about him wanting more children. Absolutely despicable.

Iloverosesletters1921 · 13/05/2016 09:04

It's control, end of. Get the MAP you can get it over the counter at boots.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2016 09:07

I'm curious as to why he is so desperate to have more kids that he would go to these lengths? Is he from a large family himself? The op has expressed a wish to get an MA, and is excited about moving on from the needy-child to free-time-to-myself-stage, her dh doesn't want that, as he won't be able to control her every move, and know where she is almost 100% of the time.

Wyldfyre · 13/05/2016 09:07

Unless the legal position has been updated been brought into the 21st century unfortunately this isn't seen as rape (totally wrong IMO).

I had a similar situation but apparently because I'd consented to sex, despite fact he'd removed the condom and despite the fact I would never have agreed to sex without it, it wasn't legally rape

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