DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP, I'm so sorry your husband did this to you.

It was sexual assault, because you did not consent to unprotected sex. You could go to a Sexual Assault Referral Centre where they can give you the morning after pill and offer you a forensic examination so the assault will be on record if you decide to report it later (but you don't have to report it). There is some information about SARCs and other available support here:
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealth/Pages/Sexualassault.aspx

Is there anyone in real life you could talk to about this - a close friend or family member, someone you trust who would be supportive? I think it's really important that you talk to someone. You could also call the Women's Aid or Rape Crisis helplines (details on the page I linked to above).

It's clear to me that your husband is abusive and I think these links would be helpful for you:
Am I in an abusive relationship?
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

Please get some support from friends/family and professionals to help you gather the strength to leave him. Because that's what you have to do.

He absolutely thinks he's a good guy Sheba. He thinks he 'rescued' me from my past life. I can't really go into details.

I was neglected for parts of my childhood and he has made me feel cared for in a way I wasn't before. I understand that this means I'm not necessarily a good judge of normal caring behaviour.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment, you've given me a lot to think about.

That makes sense.

He likes being the rescuer he doesn't want you to be independent and not 'need' him anymore.

MrsH you've already had a lot of good advice and I can't top that.

Is there any friends you can confide in about this? Or family?

"I thought he was being kind to offer to have a vasectomy instead of me having surgery. "

Well yes-except that he didn't go through with it so it's a meaningless gesture.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

Just to mention that I have looked for the condom but I can't find it.

I don't have any more advice to add to what's already been given, but I just want you to know I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

Please go to a SARC, love. They can offer emotional support as well as the MAP.

I'm sorry you don't feel you have anyone to talk to but there are professionals who can support you.

Can you please call Women's Aid and talk to someone?

This is not just about the sex it's about his need to control you and every aspect of your life. It's not a healthy relationship and I think you'd be much better off away from him.

Lots of good advice and support here for you OP. One last thought that might help you make up your mind in what course of action to choose. What would you tell your best friend to do if she disclosed this to you?

This is rape.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Loving, respectful husbands do NOT behave this way.

MrsHenry

re your childhood.
a certain type of man will be attracted to a woman who has had a difficult childhood. he will present as a rescuer (to her and to himself). if you've had a bad / neglected childhood this can seem very appealing. the 'rescue' this man supposedly offers leads to him wanting her to respond to his rescuing in certain ways (grateful, not challenging etc). also he wants to KEEP RESCUING HER as this is his 'fix'... therefore, if you were to have another 4/5 years at home childrearing, you still 'need' him in a way you don't if you are doing your MA / out working. in his eyes, therefore, he is still the 'good guy' rescuing poor little old you.

a more normal response in a partner would be to watch proudly whilst the survivor of a difficult childhood finds her OWN feet.

it seems very clear that your H tried to impregnate you against your wishes.
get the MAP / coil and also arrange more permanent contraception.
I'd speak to Women's Aid.
Then I'd speak to him. Just once. No holds barred.
His reaction (chat it through with WA / on here too) will tell you whether your marriage is worth saving.

MrsH I am so, so sorry that he's done this yo you. As others have said, it's an assault, it's a violation of trust and intimacy, and it's a huge betrayal.

I hope that you manage to get the MAP sorted as a short term measure. When you're feeling up to it I'd urge you to consider whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Even if hormonal contraception doesn't suit you, please get the MAP - very few women genuinely can't take it - the risks associated with being on the pill are much, much less as it's a one off.

He knew you were ovulating - what a bastard

Please get the MAP or a coil and start making plans to leave this controlling nutter!

He has assaulted you and is happy this morning. That's the hallmark of a sociopath.

I am so sorry. for you

There is lots of good advice about the bigger picture on this thread, but I just want to say, you can get the MAP with children with you, I have done it. I went to the pharmacy and handed over my request on paper. They will want to know when you had sex so you can write that on the paper as well and ask them to ask you any more questions discreetly with euphemisms. Asking about any other meds you are on, etc, won't be a problem.

Do go and do that so at least your mind can be at rest on that point. Sooner the better - the day after is a great time to do it, so that's one fewer thing to worry about.

good luck with all my heart

I'd definitely look into taking the MAP and I'd also have a chat with him making it clear you know what he's doing.

When he met me I was standing on my own two feet. He saw me give a speech at a work conference. He told me that as soon as he heard me speak he had to meet me. He told this story at our wedding.

I have since found out that he went to some length to present a very edited version of himself to me. It sounds really bad in hindsight.

I know it all looks really bad but we do generally have a very happy home.

I don't think I'd make it clear I knew what he was doing. Just take the MAP & make escape plans. Trying to keep you at home with another baby & scupper your education plans is just unbelievably awful.

If you hasve a very hasppy home now then why do you need to wait for the kids to be a school beofre doing what you want to do? a very happy home would mena he is helping you reach the goal you have set for yourself.

You can never trust someone like this again. Even if you checked he was wearing a condom in future, you'd have no way of knowing if he'd put holes in it.

Look up 'Persona' - non hormone contraception, but it does have a failure rate.

Do you generally have a happy home because it all goes his way I wonder?

Jeez, what a bastard! He knew you were ovulating
I'd be at the very leasy, wiping the floor with him when he gets home and if you haven't got his bags packed and ready to throw at him, I'd tell him sex is off the menu indefinitely! I wouldn't be able to trust him not to sabotage future condoms.
He is not a fantastic husband. He's dangerous.

least not leasy. Bloody predictive text.

Things do go his way when he's at home. He works long hours in the City so it's just me and the children Monday to Friday.