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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

1002 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:02

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

OP posts:
BuunyChops · 13/05/2016 08:35

He has technically sexually assaulted you.
Nope, He HAS sexually assaulted you.

Obviously at the end of the day it's up to you but he did this knowing that you have few other contraceptive options open to you.
That you are unhappy being a SAHM and that time is soon coming to an end.

It's still a form of controlling you; it's common enough to have a name. . . reproductive coercion.

Jessbow · 13/05/2016 08:36

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Cabrinha · 13/05/2016 08:37

How does he know you were ovulating lovey?
Do you use natural family planning methods or is it another sign of controlling behaviour being too closely involved with your cycle?

Get the MAP as soon as you can Flowers

MrsUnderwood · 13/05/2016 08:37

That is awful. I am so sorry this happened to you. If you do end up conceiving what will you do?

ElspethFlashman · 13/05/2016 08:37

"Quite controlling"???

No shit!

"Working on that"?? No he bloody isnt.

alltouchedout · 13/05/2016 08:38

I would see this as rape.

In the immediate short term, (and you probably know this anyway) the MAP is not your only option for emergency contraception, a coil can be used in this way, so if avoiding the hormones in the MAP is important to you, you could consider that.

Longer term, is this forgivable for you? Do you want to be with someone who will do this?

Seeyounearertime · 13/05/2016 08:39

As far as i am concerned what he is done is sexual assault and i would seriously consider calling the police and having him removed from your life. I would imagine that there's little the police could or would do though?

At the very least you need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you and he will not be having sex again for the foreseeable future and if he doesn't like it then he knows exactly where the door is.

Kr1stina · 13/05/2016 08:39

I agree with everyone else

Get MAP

Make apointment to discuss contraception he can't mess with . I know you said it's problematic, but you need to discuss your options with a HCP. Especially if the alternative ( if you get pg) is a termination

Phone women's aid

Cabrinha · 13/05/2016 08:39

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NapQueen · 13/05/2016 08:39

Would you consider getting your tubes tied? What would be his response if you planned that?

Quiero · 13/05/2016 08:40

Erm, don't go and get a coil - never have sex with this man again. He raped you. You didn't consent to unprotected sex and he did it anyway. That is rape.

This won't be about having another child, the timing stinks. Your others are starting school and you were about 'to get your life back'. He seems to not want that to happen.

Have you got support around you?

Mookbark · 13/05/2016 08:41

Jessbow with the greatest respect, do fuck off, dear. Victim blaming at its worse.

OP, please get MAP or coil so that you can't get pregnant, then listen to all the rise people on this thread. Flowers

ohtheholidays · 13/05/2016 08:41

OP go and get the MAP if you can take it if not go straight to your Dr.

What he has done to you is assault,please don't stay and do nothing about this I stayed in a marriage for 7 years where I was constantly sexually assaulted by my then husband.This won't get any better OP,I'm sorry but it won't.

Just think if this was one of your DC going through this you wouldn't want them to stay in that relationship would you!

deathtoheadlice · 13/05/2016 08:42

If you cannot take the map you could still consider termination... It's available for a reason so we can choose when not to have children. If you don't want another you don't have to have one, whatever the outcome now. Also don't worry about going to get the map with dc in tow your reasons are yours and no one has any business commenting. For all they know it's entirely medical anyway. Flowers to you, this is an awful situation. If he's controlling in other ways, maybe now is the time to leave.

Mookbark · 13/05/2016 08:42

Cabrinha X post. Times like this MN needs a like button.

picklypopcorn · 13/05/2016 08:42

Your husband just raped you.

You did not consent to unprotected sex, explicitly told him to wear a condom which he ignored. Had he said "no i'm not wearing one" you would not have consented, therefore you did not give informed consent to sex.

First things first, don't panic. I'd go and get the MAP, then have a very calm discussion with your husband and point out what he just did to you is unforgivable.

Then LTB.

Kr1stina · 13/05/2016 08:43

And in case Cabriha and moo bark get deleted - jessbow - please go away, there's a good chap

IlikePercyPig · 13/05/2016 08:43

You need to seriously consider leaving him, what a vile thing to do.

DailyMailShite · 13/05/2016 08:44

What an awful situation.

carabos · 13/05/2016 08:44

My XH did this to me. I had DS1 as a result. It was many years before I was able to allow myself to realise what had happened. It was part of his wider controlling behaviours which included paying someone to follow me and report on my movements. You need to sort out this initial problem with emergency contraception then find a method which doesn't depend on his co-operation, which may be sterilisation if you're sure.

Marchate · 13/05/2016 08:44

You are looking forward to having a life outside the home. He does not want you to have that life. He wants to keep you under his control

diddl · 13/05/2016 08:45

Get the Map & LTB.

Really, you said you'd see in a year & he hasn't the decency to even wait for that.

He wants more kids, you don't.

It's not workable, is it?

What it seems more like though of course is taht he doesn't want you to have a life of your choosing.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2016 08:47

DH is quite controlling but he's been working on that. Not very hard if this is anything to go by!

He knows how excited I am about the children going to school so I can do my own thing again. And that's why... he wants you at home, where you are at his beck & call!

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2016 08:47

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Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 13/05/2016 08:48

I've always tracked my cycle, in this and past relationships. He occasionally asks where I am in my cycle. I've never given it much thought.

I don't know if it's forgivable. I'm very upset now. I guess I need him to admit it so we can talk about what happened.

I've never felt an urge to have children but even if I did I can't imagine tricking someone into having a baby with me.

I want to start an MA next year not have another bloody baby!

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