DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Of course he's telling you he only wants more children because he loves you. It's another form of abuse.

And what he's done is unforgivable. People who love their partners don't rape them. Do not blame yourself for not being able to forgive this.

Get the MAP asap. The earlier it's taken, the more effective it is.

Then make arrangements to LTB. He sexually assaulted you.

Yes differentname I think you and other posters are right, had missed that bit. It doesn't matter what his 'reasons' are anyway, it's still unforgivable.

I know he's very controlling but it has always been in 'concern' for me. Like wanting to know where I am in case of an accident. I thought he was being kind to offer to have a vasectomy instead of me having surgery. I know I don't need his permission but we are partners so we discuss these things.

I know I've kind of sleep walked into it. I live in a gilded cage, I know that but he promised I could have my life back. It sounds awful written down. You wouldn't suspect any of this if you met me

Your DH is controlling and what he did here is sexually assault you.

He wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant, this is all deliberate on his part as part of his campaign to keep you under his control. He does not want you to have a life of your own at all. Abuse is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you.

Look at his parents OP; he learnt how to control from them most likely. This crap is deeply ingrained within his own psyche and he has not changed one iota.

If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft it may well help you.

Your way forward is to seek legal advice with a view to leaving him. I would think he will go all out to make separation as difficult as possible for you. Men like him do not let go of their victims easily.

MrsHW. If you can't get your head around people saying that this is 'sexual assault' or 'rape' I understand. I wouldn't class it as either for me, others obviously would. I, personally, see it as a breach of trust, a total disregard of your wishes (with regard to your freedom with the other children at school) and most importantly his need to control you. This is how far he's prepared to go now to control you - how much further would he go?? His desire/need is to keep you under his control, tied with a pregnancy & then a baby...then what?? You can't live your life like this 🙁

You can get a coil put in temporarily to prevent conception from this event. You don't need to keep it in permanently, even a couple of weeks would be enough for this cycle nut you need a better solution for next cycle (assuming you don't LTB)

What he did to you would be considered rape by many. It was certainly non-consensual penetrative sex. He clearly doesn't respect you or think you have rights over your own body.

There are various non-hormonal options other than condoms and the coil. Your hcp can help you find the right one for you.

This is really horrifying. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Do speak to your GP, (or a family planning clinic?) about MAP options.

Why does he do that? is an excellent recommendation from Attila.

Many outwardly confident women are taken in by such abusive men who sense an opportunity to exploit their chosen victim over time,over many months and years even. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people.

Do not blame yourself for being so taken in to date, many women are and you will not be the last either. These men can also be v charming and plausible to those in the outside world too so that also brings with it further self doubt.

I am certain as well that he has always tried to act out of "concern" for you; this was really a part of his controlling you and keeping tabs on you. He may well have offered to take you to and from work for instance on a daily basis.

I would urge you to seek legal advice and help from Womens Aid when you can do so; you need to leave this man before you really do not know which way is up any more. He wants to destroy you really from the ground up; his scheme to get you pregnant when you do not want any more children is part of his overall plant to do that very thing. He does not care about his children either, you are all there really in his head to serve him.

What would his reaction be, if you had the coil fitted, didn't tell him, and then he found out?

I am really sorry OP

Your gilded cage is really a prison; he has put you in such a cage out of his own paranoid making.

I know that but he promised I could have my life back

And who is he to make these promises? is he your boss? your employer?
"He promised i could have my life back"
FUCK THAT.... Why does he get to give you his permission? it's your life, you take it back and do exactly what you want to do.

He should, if he was a decent human being, have been supporting you and making your life better, if you want to do things, he should be there to facilitate that, not hold you back or stop you.

A real partner should improve your life, not be detrimental to it.

It has NOT always been 'in concern' for you, it has been dressed up as being concern for you, but it's not. Think about this...even if he knows you are in Tesco at 9:15 how does that help? He's none the wiser there's been a roof cave in on the Tesco store? That you've slipped on a disguarded banana skin, cut your head open & been taken to A&E by ambulance...or whatever. IF you're in an accident you or the relevant authorities will get hold of him. Him knowing where you will be at any given time doesn't change a single thing. Well, not a single thing other than him having total control over your every move,

I know you don't get on with hormonal birth control, but please get the MAP today.

he promised I could have my life back

That's not his promise to make.

On a practical level, you need to get the MAP today, or copper coil fitted in the next few days - I know you've said the coil previously didn't feel right but even if it's only fitted until your next period it will serve it's purpose.

Then, if you're not going to LTB (and I'm assuming if you don't LTB you will continue to have sex with him) you need to sort out contraception/sterilisation, as he clearly can't be trusted and will likely do this again, or start stabbing holes in condoms or something.

OP- the discussions about the future can wait. What cant if you really are don't want another baby is getting the MAP. Don't just leave it.

You can take your DCs with you to the nearest chemist and just ask for it over the counter, it's not a big deal. If you really don't want your DCs to hear, if any friend of mine sent me a text saying "Need to go have a chat with the chemist about something that gyne related and don't want the children listening to the conversation, are you alright to have mine over to play for half an hour at some point today so I don't have to take them with me?" I'd say of course.

One step at a time. Get the immediate issue dealt with.

I had no intention of causing offense.

Bottom line is, and always was, if you are that adamant that you don't want any more children, take absolute control yourself, then he cant Muck about with it

I'll say no more

You poor thing.

I try to be so, so practical about these things first and then process emotions later. Rationally, just because you're ovulating, it doesn't mean you're going to get pregnant - additionally, if you take the MAP ASAP, then that's another defence.

If you were to get pregnant, how would you feel? Would you consider not going through with the pregnancy? Even if that wasn't an option to you, could you tell your Husband that's what you would do, even if you wouldn't, just so that he realises that even if he did put holes in the condom, that won't necessarily result in a baby.

Secondly, it may take you a while to process what happened - it's hardly something you'd expect, is it? It does suggest that your Husband is incredibly controlling, but keep in mind - You are the only one who gets a say in what happens in your body and if you are concerned about what he did, I'd suggest not being intimate with him again until this is sorted out and you're happy with the resolution (be that leaving him, sterilisation or whatever you choose).

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

One thing to consider with the morning after pill other than the fact the earlier you take it the more effective it is like the previous posters have said, my understanding is the more you take it the less effective it is. So you need to sort something out long term.
It took me years to see what had happened to me as sexual assault and even more years to even realise the subsequent sex was also assault. Its like you go into shock as this person who apparently loves you couldn't do that. You can't tally the two up.
So if your not feeling strong enough park that for now and deal with the practical side, go to the chemist NOW and book the doctors for later / next week.

No wonder he was fucking happy this morning, smug git.

OP you've had great advice on here. The only thing I want to add is that if you have already ovulated the MAP wouldn't b e much use anyway. Best evidence suggests it doesn't bring on your period so much as prevent ovulation and isn't terribly effective once ovulation has happened. Coil is a much better option as emergency contraception in this instance. (And doesn't have hormones in, which is better for you in your case.)

Big hugs for you, I hope you mange to process this and get the support you need.

I will go out today and get the pill. There's no way I'm getting pregnant again.

I find it so hard to believe that his control is the result of a conscious plan. His dad is very controlling too in his way but his mum left him when her children left home.

My husband is very kind in many ways, does very thoughtful things for me. He is very handsome and charming, other women are often quite taken with him but he's never so much as glanced at anyone else.

I know I sound pathetic but I'm really not. It has been easier over the years to do what he wants so that we can have a happy home. God I feel like shit now.

That's such screwed logic that there's nowhere to start with it, Jessbow.

MrsHW I wouldn't have the coil put in if you hated it, but I would go and get the MAP - soon, ideally, both because it'll work better and because once you've taken it, it won't matter if he tries to postpone you going to get it, if you see what I mean. I wouldn't put it past him.

Then you'll need to talk about this at some point. I'm with everyone saying that I wouldn't trust him to get a vasectomy now, unless I was the one with the scalpel. It's not really about the contraception choice at this stage, though. You can revisit sterilisation etc if that's what you'd like to do. The bigger issue is that he seems to have bad control issues, and although he's promised you that he'll get better, he actually seems to be just hiding it better. Controlling you in more secret, manipulative ways.

Is there someone you could talk to about this, in it's entirety? Women's Aid could be an option, if not. They'll understand the gilded cage. It's entirely your choice to stay, if you want too, but you'll need to take steps to ensure that choosing to stay doesn't mean having another child foisted on you.

I'd also be very concerned about building up to a free life and an MA in your head. They sound like carrots that he's dangling to keep you on board, and he may have no intention of ever letting you reach the carrot, so to speak - once you've got your freer life or more time or started your MA, he can no longer use them to persuade you to do things. He'd need new carrots. It'd be far easier for him to keep them just out of reach, but close enough that you believe in them. Which may well be why he's thinking of a "surprise child". Delaying by another year keeps the carrot firmly in place.

Your saving grace here might be that he doesn't seem to be thinking very far ahead. Surely if he'd thought about it, he'd have realised that it's fairly obvious to the woman if a condom has been used or not...

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP :(

Coil and MAP, urgently. Then consider whether you want to stay with this manipulative, controlling man if you can't trust him to respect your reproductive choices.