I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

Which would be find Apple, except he still doesn't want kids and yet is still trying to prolong the relationship (moving in together, holidays etc) in the hope that she falls in love enough to do what he wants.

Ok I haven't RTFT but my DTDs came along as a surprise, and I'm someone who wasn't maternal at all. Though I do come from a farming upbringing in rural Oz where you 'just get on with it'. Honestly, I never thought I could love 2 little people this much, for us it was very much the right thing to have happened and now we're past the nappy, etc stage it's wonderful. However, if you are adamant that fatherhood is not for you, please please let her find someone else. It's not fair on either of you otherwise...

She will be 38 in September this year.

We spoke last night and she effectively said that she is going to move on, not because she doesnt love me, but she has to for the baby. I totally understand, heartbroken but i cant give her what she wants.

I feel very cheated by the Universe in general. I wish i could be with her if things were different. She has agreed to meet me for a drink once a month to catch up, but no more dates or stayovers.

I feel so sad to be splitting up.

How did any of you get past this, if you went through a break up due to being on different pages?

It's not so much about her wanting a baby. It is about her having the right to self determination. All your vagueries and saying just enough to let her think she may have a chance are just denying her that right. I appreciate you may have genuinely wondered but now is not the time for dragging things out even more. You aren't sure to don't want children. She wants to try for a baby. The only answer is to split up.

She's being unreasonable asking this of you at this point in your relationship but sadly that's what the longing for a child does to you. It does sound very sad that you've finally met 'the one' and now find you want different things.

And if she did agree to the six months renting etc what are the chances of you changing your mind? It's not as if you are saying yes I want kids but let's wait. You actively dont want kids, a fact that is unlikely to suddenly change.

Sit down for a final discussion and then agree to spilt if you cannot agree.

So you have spilt up.

Nice bit of drip feeding.

Cheated by the universe?

You'll be fine. Just make it very, very clear next time that you do not want children and that you spent a year trying to see if you did and nothing worked.

We havent split up in person officially yet, that was just what was discussed on the phone. We are meeting this weekend to talk

There's just no need to feel hopeless about it. You like each other but want different things so it was never going to work out. A relatively nice way to break up TBH.

Fgs you sound about 12. You've split up or is it another 'temporary split' in a patently bad relationship?

And she isn't 'the one' that kind of thinking is a little stalkerish. She is one person who you had a great time with before you worked out that you were fundamentally incompatible and amicably broke up.

'She has agreed to meet me for a drink once a month to catch up'

OP, I would seriously reconsider this. What would be the point of it? It will be so painful for both of you and will keep the hope alive that you may get back together.

Let her go. This relationship was not right for either of you. That is terribly painful and you will need time to heal.

If it helps, there is no such thing as 'the one'. There are many people you can be compatible with and have a good, healthy, fulfilling relationship with. The idea that there is 'one perfect person' for everyone is really damaging and makes no sense.

You will be fine. Take time to hurt and to heal. But you will be fine

Please dont think i am a unfeeling, heartless man. I do love her and she has said she loves me too, many times. I have tried so hard to get on her page, for her, to be with her and not lose her.

At 40 i will never meet someone like her again. I thought I had found the one, and she thought she had met the one to have children with. It is so sad.

Look she is 37 and wants children.
It seems she has been VERY clear about this since the beginning.
It's a deal breaker for her & always has been.
She has split up your "perfect" (sic) relationship twice in a year over this issue and now again.
You are adamant you don't want to be a father, yet you persist with the relationship.
The issue of children never "fell the the wayside" - just because something isn't discussed everyday doesn't mean it's gone away.
You wanted her to give up her need for a child to be with you in this far from perfect relationship.

You are being insanely selfish and self centered.
Let her go and move on with her life.
Do her a favour and DON'T meet up for those monthly pointless coffees.

Oh and by the way do you actually think people have parental desires to shop for cots. Most people actually don't have any such feelings - shock horror.

You sound like a commitment phobic 18 year old.

Move on and next time when someone tells you they absolutely want children LISTEN to them. Especially is they are in their 30's/40's. There are plenty of women out there who are adamant they don't want children - date one of them.

We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits

Frankly even if you both wanted kids I would be suggesting you might not be the most stable. You're both in your mid/late 30s - what do you take a stable 'for keeps' relationship to be!?

DO NOT have a kid to save a relationship. That's a human being, not a crutch to keep a girfriend.

Equally, if she really wants a child, let her go. That's a huge part of her identity and life she should not have to give up for someone she's been with 1 year with breakups.

It is sad but this is just break up end of the world drama feelings.

You will likely meet someone much more compatible now you are broken up, providing you come out of the break up having got some perspective!

It is a break up with someone that you can never be happy with and who isn't right for you - that is ultimately a good thing for both of you.

...and although it is never selfish to be child free by choice it is 100% selfish to string someone along for what you can get, if they are desperate for a child.

It's the same as the reverse - wanting a child is not selfish, poking holes in the condom or whatever and changing a child-free person's choices without their knowledge is.

Why on earth do you think you will never meet anyone else 'like her'? Ok, it won't be her but there are about 25million adult women in the uk so there is every chance you will fall in love again. Women in their forties are likely to either have DC already or be reconciled to not having them. Late thirties is a difficult age for women who want a family.

You have not been cheated at all.

You have made active choices and these are the consequences.

Being cheated would be desperately wanting kids and being infertile or being strung along until it's too late, or other things outside your control.

You are making yourself the victim here, not her. She has been honest with you.

It's not a choice for her between loving you or a child. It is precisely BECAUSE she loves you that she wants a child with you.

At this age and the clock ticking, a woman is looking for a man that would be decent Dad material. She clearly feels that about you. She cannot switch off that drive for a child now, it is deep rooted biological instinct.

Holidays and houses can happen anytime. You are asking her to rent and then consider a mortgage, therefore realistically another year. She doesn't have that luxury of time now.

What would you do if contraception failed now? It happens.

I do understand what you are all saying, and i have stepped away.

I tried some coupley things with her recently. We did 2 nights in a 5 star hotel and had such a nice time, i treated her, the works.

I felt sad during those 2 days, when i looked at her and thought " this is so nice, me and you here, i love you but it wont last due to us being on different pages"

Its so hard when you are great together but she wants the one thing the most, that you find so hard to give her. and it splits you up in the end.

if an accident happened now, i would not walk away. id try to make it work.

Indulge your self pity for a short while. Feel sad. Don't allow it to be permanently blown out of proportion. It is just a break up, an amicable one, with someone who you didn't fit with but who was lovely. Try to get to that place eventually and get there before looking for another LTR.

And don't meet her for coffee. You will fall out because you won't get over her.

Basically all this x100

Erm, it might be what they'd do if they have always longed for a child and time is not on their side. She doesnt have time to dither, she has made it clear that having a child is a deal-breaker and she needs to know pronto. He, on the other hand, also thinks having a chld is a deal breaker, and that is also fine. However, he has time on his side, so doesn't need to be so fast to decide.

OP, you need to split now, while she still has a chance to become a mother. If you don't understand the longing for a child, fair enough, but it can be overwhelming, always there in the background aching away, affecting your whole life. I swear I get a physical reaction - a sort of twitch/ache in the ovaries when I see newborns, as well as the longing inside that physically grips my chest (no DC yet). Women's fertility declines rapidly after 35 - the clock is ticking loudly for your partner to fulfil this potenitally life long longing. I'm just trying to explain how urgent and important the situation is from her POV, am a bit hmm at "So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me..." when you have no idea what it is like to have longed for a child for so long. She doesn't have TIME for "relationship milestones" before pregnancy. I wonder if someone said to you, you have to have children now or never, would you pause for thought or be quite happy to say "never"? For women, they have to make the decision.

This isn't a long-term couple thing We did 2 nights in a 5 star hotel and had such a nice time, i treated her, the works this is the infatuation stage. Honestly.

Are you much younger than her OP?

And it doesn't need to be a deep biological urge to be ok. She wants to try for a baby, she is sure, it is what she is choosing. You simply need to respect and support her choice by walking away now you know that isn't where you are and her time is running out.