I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

Well after following for far to long the Op's Vasectomy comments have clarified either he is a troll or taking the piss ....

You will have sent her another mixed message no doubt. Personally I'd meet her tell her face to face, but that seems to be too difficult for some men to do these days.

Great big TrollyMcTrollface

Don't believe any of it

Are you that scared of any sort of pain? Avoiding pain is a big thing for you, isnt it?

Yes I am terrible at emotional pain and physical. I may get counselling in order to get over my girlfriend.

I am not maternal at all with children, I never wanted children and still don't. I married at 18 and due to 'pressure' from him and almost everyone else after getting married, I had a child at 19. I didn't bond at all sadly.

At 21 I was divorced and enjoying single life. I decided it was best for my ex to bring up our son.

I remarried 2 years later. Still married to the same man 29 years later and our children are our cats. I told him when we met I didn't want children and he was pleased, as he didn't either.

My advice is don't have a child you don't want. It's not fair to any parties concerned. If she wants a child that bad, she'll never be truly happy with you and if you have a child to please her, it may go all wrong for you, as it did for me.

Good luck.

OP - Question;

What advice are you looking for / what are you expecting everyone to say?

"Great big TrollyMcTrollface "

ah get lost, and trying going through what i am for five minutes.

Poor Op. Nobody else has ever been through what he is going through. Nobody else has loved and lost. Nobody else has ever had to make major decisions. oh wait....

"Op's Vasectomy comments have clarified either he is a troll or taking the piss .... "

So it's a 100% painless procedure then? Can you verify that medically for me?

Thought not.

User the kind and patient people of this thread have been with you every, drama filled step of the way

I refuse to believe there is actually anyone like you that exists, let alone have a girlfriend desperate to have children with you

to be fair, you're just going through a more adult version of what most teenagers go through when their girlfriend announces she's taking up her offer for St Andrews when you're going to Exeter.

It's no one's fault. It's sad, it's a shame, but ultimately, it's just one of those things, and after a year together with several break-ups, it's just not worth either of you giving up something your heart is set on. There are thousands of other women out there, some of whom are already more perfect for you than this woman is, purely by dint of the fact that they don't want children.

Get drunk, wallow for a few weeks, then get out there. This is not your single chance at happiness.

Condoms????

Did you need counselling the first two times you split up? Genuine question BTW.

You do know you are at an age where you could meet a 38 year old woman who has children who are either grown up or not far off grown up and who does not want another baby? I think a woman who is in this position in life is a much better option than a woman who is childless. For me that would be the best option if I were to go looking for a guy I'd specifically seek a guy who already had kids because I do not want to be pregnant again.

Although if your girlfriend were posting along the lines of 'my boyfriend says he doesn't want children but I think I can talk him round', she would be getting exactly the same advice as you're getting here, with a side order of 'pull yourself together, woman, and move on'.

So it's a 100% painless procedure then? Can you verify that medically for me?

You really are a child. You don't want children, but you won't take steps to stop conception. Because ooooh it might hurt a little?

For the record, a friend of mine had it done. A day's swelling and a week of tenderness, but not much else. Crikey this is why it's women who give birth. Men are just frail little fairies.

I think a lot of men are like this . My dh is a brilliant dad but neither of us enjoy a lot of the toil of having small children . On top of this our ds has special needs ( totally in expected ) . This could happen to anyone and can't always be picked up antenatally so be sure you are sure you want to go through with it . Also surely if you meet someone else she will either want it have children .

Anyone with any doubts about this should consider the OP's vasectomy comments.
Can't be many posts left. Who has a really grim DC piss/shit/vom story to share?

OP,

Step 1
you asked for advice,
Step 2
you got advice plus quite a lot of insults,
Step 3
you completely ignore the advice for over 970 posts.

It's all a big pointless isn't it.

I feel sorry for everyone but mostly for the posters that have had to read this crappy thread.

do you live in your mind basement and play a lot of online virtual reality games by any chance OP?

Troll, he must be a troll.....

It's worth a deletion but dear god this MUST be a troll,

Please tell me it's a troll

No one could be this deluded in real life.

Sorry MNHQ. ... I don't usually troll hunt honest!

I suppose we should all hide this thread. The the OP could wail into cyberspace

The women, they're not taking care of me! They don't love me! I'm in pain. Real pain

He might be a troll but there are actual arses like him around