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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 10/05/2016 15:36

She is not your soul mate you want different things.....huge fundamental things. Just Don't prolong the agony..
Would you feel better if it was taken out of your hands eg she said 'I am pregnant' rather than planning?

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 10/05/2016 15:37

There's nothing wrong with your not wanting children.

There is something wrong with stringing her along the way you've been suggesting just try living together, just give it six months and go on holiday when you know, deep down, that you aren't likely to change your mind. From what you've said, your breakups have been because she wanted a child and you didn't -- I get the impression that you got back together each time because she believed that you might rethink and consider having a baby, but in fact you only hoped that she'd get over the whole baby thing. If you are honest with yourself and with her then you know the two of you are never going to be on the same page on this.

She's 37 and she has a rapidly-diminishing window of opportunity to have a child a year of which has already gone into her relationship with you. If she's not going to have that child with you then you need to let her go. If you were both ten years younger then there'd be space for giving things a try, have fun together for a couple of years, see how you felt after that but that's not the position you're in.

Jackiebrambles · 10/05/2016 15:37

Are you really 40 op? You come across much younger from your posting style.

Anyway I agree with the others, splitting up is def for the best. And don't meet up, there's no point at all. You aren't buddies.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 10/05/2016 15:37

You sound like a commitment phobic 18 year old.

This.

Itisbetternow · 10/05/2016 15:38

I don't think the OP has been selfish or led her along at all. He was clear at the start he didn't want children. It's a bit like dating - if a man says they don't want a relationship then listen! She could have left a year ago or after the two break ups. But no she came back hoping she could make him change his mind.

Ok some people do move fast and stay married for 40 years. The Op doesn't. He wants to travel and have fun. I don't blame him for not wanting a mortgage with her - he doesn't know her. They haven't spent any time together.

She is looking for speed donor. I hope you are doubling up in terms of protection because I bet she isn't taking or using anything.

Move on. I know lots of lovely women in late 30s who do not have children and not too bothered whether they do or not. Not all women want children.

Offred · 10/05/2016 15:39

I think the weekend away is a couple without children thing TBF....

Which is probably what the OP wants them to be able to do and one of the things he worries (correctly) he would likely lose if there was a baby.

Plus having a baby at 40 is just borderline to retiring when they become an independent adult. It'd be a source of worry to me personally - financially supporting a child to get on their feet while thinking about your own retirement, possibly being too old to really enjoy being a grandparent.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 15:40

i'm 41 in August. What makes me appear younger from the posting style

OP posts:
Offred · 10/05/2016 15:42

I think it is the dramatic way you talk about the relationship and the splitting up and getting back together mainly. But meh - who doesn't get a little dramatic during a break up?

OTheHugeManatee · 10/05/2016 15:43

I'm sorry OP. You sound very sad. But the differences between you also sound irreconcilable Sad

You are doing the right thing letting her go, though, as she doesn't have long now to become a mum.

Flowers for you and I'm sure you will meet someone else.

Offred · 10/05/2016 15:44

You just mainly need to know that 'trying' to want a baby 'for her' was not the right thing to do and dragging this relationship out beyond this point would be deeply unfair to her and would not result in happiness for either of you.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 15:48

See a lot of people have said she isnt a true soulmate because her life goal is so different to mine. But whenever i am with her, she feels exactly that ,a true soulmate i am meant to be with, but cant be with long term.

I've told her many times about the life i want with her, and she has told me that this is fine but with a child in the picture too. And then we have gone to the cinema and shelved the topic for another evening.

But no more as we are both hurting too much now.

OP posts:
TragicallyUnbeyachted · 10/05/2016 15:48

I don't think the OP has been selfish or led her along at all. He was clear at the start he didn't want children. It's a bit like dating - if a man says they don't want a relationship then listen! She could have left a year ago or after the two break ups. But no she came back hoping she could make him change his mind

Or did he woo her back suggesting that he might change his mind (possibly genuinely deluding himself that he might change his mind)? We don't know and what he's written here could be taken either way.

If, to the best of his knowledge, he definitely doesn't want children then he needs to be 100% clear about that not hold out hope, not say "well, after we've lived together for six months I might rethink it". At no point has she suggested that she might get over her desire for a child she has made it clear from the start that it's a non-negotiable part of her life plans. He sounds as though he's been the one fudging the issue -- possibly because he wasn't entirely sure of his own feelings on the subject, but now he is sure and he needs to stop fudging.

ManonLescaut · 10/05/2016 15:49

I thought I had found the one, and she thought she had met the one to have children with

Only because you let her think that. If you'd been as honest with her as she was with you from the start, you wouldn't be in this mess now.

You said you split up twice over the baby issue, the only way she'd have got back together with you is if you convinced her that you might have kids.

The universe hasn't cheated you. You've cheated yourself and her.

ManonLescaut · 10/05/2016 15:52

He was clear at the start he didn't want children

Not at all. At the start he said they weren't something he 'yearned for'. Then later on when it became clear it was non-negotiable for her, he said he 'would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more'.

Offred · 10/05/2016 15:56

Until you get to grips with the fact that you are in control of your destiny and you do that by making choices which have consequences for yourself and others and there is no such thing as a "one" or a "soulmate I can't be with long term" you are going to be unhappy and cause unhappiness for others.

There is no such thing as fate or "right person wrong time" there are just choices and consequences.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 15:57

I did tell her at the start that i had never wanted children.

I genuinely did try to want children after that.I did a lot of reading, i saw a counsellor to explore what was blocking me from wanting a family with someone like her.

OP posts:
MusicIsMedicine · 10/05/2016 15:58

You say you have no experience with babies or kids, then reduce it all to soft play and nappies.

Women tend to be baby-centric and men are child-centric. Have you never pictured you and her going away on daytrips when child is older and having fun family days/weekends?

What's in your future if you close this door and lose her AND a possible family? Who will you love when your own family is gone? Will it be a series of these heartbreaking relationships?

A man in their 40s without a family unit can often fall into depression as they get older and life changes.

How do you know what you'd feel when you see that little heart beating on a scan? Or an amazing little fun person comes along and makes you laugh and brings you joy?

It could bring a totally new meaning to your life.

Offred · 10/05/2016 15:58

But I say that with a caveat that a certain amount of this fatalistic worrying is fine during a break up as long as it isn't/you don't let it become what you really believe.

shovetheholly · 10/05/2016 15:58

I think you are writing yourself into this story as a tragic victim of crossed love. Actually, you simply didn't have an alignment of life goals with a woman you saw casually for a year or so. I am not denying your hurt that this has broken down - I think that a failure while a relationship is in the infatuation stage can be more acutely painful sometimes - but I'm afraid you really can't say whether someone is your soulmate or not until you've lived together for some time, and found your daily routines and attitudes to be completely compatible. Until you've seen her first thing in the morning, with flu, vomiting down the loo and felt nothing but love and care, you don't know you're 'right' for each other.

I think this framing is highly unlikely to help either you or her.

Offred · 10/05/2016 15:59

There is nothing wrong with you just because you don't want children.

Offred · 10/05/2016 16:00

Accept this is how you feel and what it means for you - that at your age this is a future without children.

Find someone who supports your choice and right to self determination.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 10/05/2016 16:02

What makes me appear younger from the posting style

well there's a lot of whining and self pity for a start. "Oh no the Universe is against me because I can't persuade a woman who has always wanted children (and who has been very clear about this with me) to give up wanting to have children so she can (perhaps - we'll see) be with me."

an inability to see what is right in front of your face & insisting on all this "soulmate" stuff, when clearly if you DID have a "soulmate" it wouldn't not be someone who wanted children when you do not etc etc etc

duckbear · 10/05/2016 16:03

I had 2 kids from a previous marriage, and when I met my current wife, I knew that she wanted kids of her own - not just stepkids. We have had 2 more, who are just turning into teenagers. About four years ago, my wife was missing the 'baby phase' and seemed to joke that she wanted another baby (She was in her early 40s) - I joked back that it wasn't going to happen as she couldn't cope with our current kids. At least I thought it was a joke - my throwaway comment has trashed my marriage with her having a couple of affairs because of her need to have another child - OP beware - it is all consuming for her to be rejected! Even though she may seem alright - underneath it is a different matter. Now is the time to get out before your relationship is wrecked.

Lottapianos · 10/05/2016 16:03

'A man in their 40s without a family unit can often fall into depression as they get older and life changes.'

And becoming responsible for a child you didn't want in the first place? A truly excellent recipe for depression if you ask me. OP has gone so far as to seek professional support to help him to explore his feelings about parenthood, and still feels its something he doesn't want to do. He has put far more thought into this than most. You can argue that you never know how you feel about parenthood until you become a parent, but not everyone is into that kind of high stakes living. Having a baby because there might be some sweet Kodak moments along the way would be highly irresponsible as he is well aware.

Branleuse · 10/05/2016 16:05

Maybe she could get a sperm donor, and then do it that way, and then you could still see her but not be the childs father with any of the risks or respobsibilties?

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